So I have been having times when I feel my anxiety and depression start to feel better, like maybe in the evening I will feel almost normal. Yesterday I felt pretty good, not normal, but a little closer to normal, and I felt almost happy thinking I might be getting better, but then all of the sudden I will start worrying again and it starts going downhill again! I start trying to figure out what caused this episode really in the first place and I find myself over-thinking what it could be.
I also had a much-too intense conversation yesterday afternoon (with my adult daughter) about my marriage, and I could feel myself getting really agitated during the conversation, so I probably should avoid things like that while I am in this state. But I always wonder if my marriage has something to do with how bad my anxiety is, so I thought talking about it might make me feel better but it didn't. My husband is just a negative, angry person in general and has been since I've known him. He will lash out at me and say hurtful things randomly to me and pretty much anyone else that happens to be annoying him, including pretty much everyone one the road when we are driving, family members, anyone. Afterwards he acts like nothing happened and be overly nice for a while. My counselor told me I don't have to let him do this and I can choose not to stay if he refuses to change, but I have lived this way for so long, and just the thought of such a big change, especially with how bad my anxiety is right now, I can't even imagine going through what it would take to leave, and he would be furious, and I think that's why I've stayed so long really. I have always just pushed it back in my mind so I wouldn't have to deal with the fear and anxiety that dealing with it would cause me. I don't think he is the total cause of my anxiety - I know I would have that anyway, but I have to wonder what difference it would make if I didn't have to deal with the stress of being around him all the time. We have been together since high school and are in our 50s now, so I don't know any other way of life and am too afraid of what a huge change like that would do to me!
Oh well, I just needed to get this out I guess.
I also had a much-too intense conversation yesterday afternoon (with my adult daughter) about my marriage, and I could feel myself getting really agitated during the conversation, so I probably should avoid things like that while I am in this state. But I always wonder if my marriage has something to do with how bad my anxiety is, so I thought talking about it might make me feel better but it didn't. My husband is just a negative, angry person in general and has been since I've known him. He will lash out at me and say hurtful things randomly to me and pretty much anyone else that happens to be annoying him, including pretty much everyone one the road when we are driving, family members, anyone. Afterwards he acts like nothing happened and be overly nice for a while. My counselor told me I don't have to let him do this and I can choose not to stay if he refuses to change, but I have lived this way for so long, and just the thought of such a big change, especially with how bad my anxiety is right now, I can't even imagine going through what it would take to leave, and he would be furious, and I think that's why I've stayed so long really. I have always just pushed it back in my mind so I wouldn't have to deal with the fear and anxiety that dealing with it would cause me. I don't think he is the total cause of my anxiety - I know I would have that anyway, but I have to wonder what difference it would make if I didn't have to deal with the stress of being around him all the time. We have been together since high school and are in our 50s now, so I don't know any other way of life and am too afraid of what a huge change like that would do to me!
Oh well, I just needed to get this out I guess.