Hi all,
As you can tell, I am new. I decided to seek out some people who understand or who don't mind the rambling. I feel like a burden to my husband. He doesn't say that but I am concerned he will stop taking me seriously.
I never experienced anxiety until about a year after my mom died. While it was a very difficult time, I came out of it and felt great. Recently my father in law died and the same feelings came back. He and I were not close but it all reminded me of my mom. I never really talked about how I felt about my mom dying. I had to be the strong one. Worse, my best friend and I stopped talking right after. Worse yet, my husband never appeared very sympathetic to my grief because there were times my mom and I did not get along and I often said that never seeing her again would be awesome. What a horrid thing to say. But he almost acted like I should feel a sense of relief more than anything else. I know that made him sound bad but he really isn't as horrible as that sounds. At any rate, it caused me to just never talk about it. My anxiety turned to worrying about my health. Once I felt better, I was better and moved on. But after my father in law it all came back again. I know I can overcome but I am having trouble with it all. I feel lonely. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone because they won't understand or it will put pressure on them to "make me feel better" and pressure on me to act like I feel better.
Right now, I feel great other than some weird feeling in my eye. So I am focused on that...which only makes things worse. Sure it could be stress...or my online job...eye fatigue...sinuses... But it is distracting me and makes me think that here it is...the symptom that finally says, "You have a serious illness."
I want to just sit and cry for how stupid and weak I feel. Anxiety causes you to be persistently brave just to face each day. It is an odd kind of courage that you learn to appreciate...when you are feeling victory anyway. But right now, I don't feel brave...I feel like doing anything. I am a bit short with people around me. I don't feel like doing things I should right now. I feel like I just want to feel better. I want to know I am fine for now. I really don't know if I describing anything right. I feel like I want to be listened to and taken seriously. My anxiety seems to have become a bit of a joke...mostly because I joke about it so I can talk about it openly. If I can make fun of myself then it puts others at ease and often put me at ease. But doing that so often it seems a source of comedy and I don't get the right support. I get people don't understand. When my mom had anxiety and I didn't.
Ok...that was long enough. Thank you for allowing a place to let go.
As you can tell, I am new. I decided to seek out some people who understand or who don't mind the rambling. I feel like a burden to my husband. He doesn't say that but I am concerned he will stop taking me seriously.
I never experienced anxiety until about a year after my mom died. While it was a very difficult time, I came out of it and felt great. Recently my father in law died and the same feelings came back. He and I were not close but it all reminded me of my mom. I never really talked about how I felt about my mom dying. I had to be the strong one. Worse, my best friend and I stopped talking right after. Worse yet, my husband never appeared very sympathetic to my grief because there were times my mom and I did not get along and I often said that never seeing her again would be awesome. What a horrid thing to say. But he almost acted like I should feel a sense of relief more than anything else. I know that made him sound bad but he really isn't as horrible as that sounds. At any rate, it caused me to just never talk about it. My anxiety turned to worrying about my health. Once I felt better, I was better and moved on. But after my father in law it all came back again. I know I can overcome but I am having trouble with it all. I feel lonely. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone because they won't understand or it will put pressure on them to "make me feel better" and pressure on me to act like I feel better.
Right now, I feel great other than some weird feeling in my eye. So I am focused on that...which only makes things worse. Sure it could be stress...or my online job...eye fatigue...sinuses... But it is distracting me and makes me think that here it is...the symptom that finally says, "You have a serious illness."
I want to just sit and cry for how stupid and weak I feel. Anxiety causes you to be persistently brave just to face each day. It is an odd kind of courage that you learn to appreciate...when you are feeling victory anyway. But right now, I don't feel brave...I feel like doing anything. I am a bit short with people around me. I don't feel like doing things I should right now. I feel like I just want to feel better. I want to know I am fine for now. I really don't know if I describing anything right. I feel like I want to be listened to and taken seriously. My anxiety seems to have become a bit of a joke...mostly because I joke about it so I can talk about it openly. If I can make fun of myself then it puts others at ease and often put me at ease. But doing that so often it seems a source of comedy and I don't get the right support. I get people don't understand. When my mom had anxiety and I didn't.
Ok...that was long enough. Thank you for allowing a place to let go.
