Is it Anxiety? Extremely loneliness, fear and no friends.
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MainerMikeBrown
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Yes you can post a long story here, NewDecade. Others have.
This is so long I apologise. I just feel like I have a lot of thoughts And I’ve never said them to anyone before.
Back story:
So I didn’t have a huge social life is high school. Mainly because everyone was doing things that I didn’t really want to do. Partying, drinking, sex at said parties (I don’t judge people that do these things, it just wasn’t for me).I Didn’t really do much with friends outside of school.
So I moved away to a new city for uni when I was 19. This was HUGE for me, I never thought in my life I would be moving away for uni.
Due to this I didn’t really keep in contact with high school friends (lovely girls, no falling outs or anything just generally drifted from all of them, still have them on social media etc) They are all still a very close friend group which makes me feel worse because I always see them together
I made good friends in uni and enjoyed my time. First year I spent all my time with my flat mates, morning till night and even when we went to our rooms we were texting still. I had the time of my life.
2nd year I lived on my own and I became somewhat isolated. It wasn’t on purpose and I didn’t notice it day to day but looking back I see it. My grandad passes away at the beginning of 2 year which was hard because I wasn’t at home when he was sick and just made it home the day before he passed away. Then to have to leave my family again for uni was just awful. For a while I put my isolation down to that - I do an extent I still think that was the case. But looking back I was quite isolated in high school so this wasn’t entirely a new thing, if you know what I mean? In 2nd year I went out with friends and always enjoyed myself. I would always jump at the opportunity to do things with them so it’s not that I didn’t want to. I guess I just always found myself being their ‘other’ friend, who they went to when there was nothing else to do.
Third year was just about the same. Spent a lot of time on my own but did enjoy the times that I got to spend with friends and always wished I could spend more time with them.
So I qualified. For a while I stayed in the city I went to uni. I’m a midwife. My career is STRESSFUL and so so scary. I got a job and worked for a year and a half as a midwife and it was truly fine. It was difficult, scary and stressful but I coped none the less. Again, I spent most of my free time on my own. This is when it really started to dawn on me how lonely I was. Once again I was always just the ‘other’ friend. I just did everything on my own. And with no family either it was even worse.
I then decided to move back home and things just seem to have gotten worse. I’m not sure if it’s an anxiety thing, extreme fear thing or both or... I really don’t know. I’m not an overly shy person, I enjoy meeting and speaking to new people. I can start up a conversation with just about anyone (heck, I do it in my job all the time as you can imagine). I can speak publicly really well and enjoy doing it. My point being that I’m not just a very shy, introverted person.
I can leave my house on my own, I don’t feel fear when doing that like some people do. I think that my anxieties are very selective and I don’t even know if that’s a thing?
I haven’t gotten a new job yet and it’s been over a year (luckily I had lots of savings). I haven’t spent time with a friend since September. I know how sad that sounds. I spend a lot of time with family which I do love, but when I realised it had been 4 months since I seen or really spoke to a friend, I feel like I’m crazy.
So my ‘home’ friends I have drifted from like I said at the beginning. My uni friends are all in different cities now. So to see my friends I have to travel. This is where I ‘think’ I may have anxiety. I hate travelling and it’s not because it’s dirty and smells etc. I hate the crowds, I worry about everything. What if the bus/taxi is late and I miss the train? What if I don’t have enough money for they train and they kick me off? (Sounds crazy right? I’m not even sure if they would do this but at the time, I really feel like it’s a possibility) What if there are no seats? What if I sit in someone else’s seat and they get mad at me? What if I get on the wrong train and end up in the middle of no where with no funds to get home again? If I do travel, I have to know that I have so much extra cash on stand by just in case. So if I have enough money for a trip but not the extra £200 for the ‘what if’ then I’m too afraid to go. And really, I never have the extra £200 ‘what if’ money... so I never go anywhere.
This all sounds so crazy, I KNOW. But when I’m planning a journey it is all I can think about thus making me so afraid of even making the journey that I can’t even book the ticket. My friends have come to visit me but I can’t always expect that, it’s making me feel like a horrible friend. I honestly don’t even like texting my friends because I know at some point in the topic of conversation will be me coming to visit them and I don’t want to have to make excuses again and again. I really don’t want to be a bad friend. Which is ironic because in doing that I am being a bad friend.
I’ve realised that I totally avoid things that make me so afraid. My way to cope seems to be avoid the situation or anything that will put me in that situation at all costs. Am I making any sense?
Next thing is a job. I aced my uni interview and my first graduate job interview. I didn’t even feel overly nervous. This is why I’m so confused about why some things make me feel a certain way but others things don’t. For some reason I am so scared to get a new job as a midwife. A new job in a new place with new policies etc. This is totally a normal feeling I think, but I feel it so much that I can’t even think about applying for a new job or even looking for one or even updating my CV because once again, I avoid everything. I am so scared that people won’t like me, people will think I am stupid, something horrible will happen at work, that I will be traumatised, that someone will die (awful to think but that’s just where my mind goes), that I will lose my registration for something that was out of my hands etc. I feel like all my family think I don’t care about my job anymore (because I haven’t got one yet) but I think it’s actually the opposite. I care so much - I want to be a midwife. I care about new mothers and I am so passionate about supporting them. I want to be the best midwife I can be and I feel like that desire is so much that I am so afraid that I won’t achieve that. I could potentially lose my registration. Does that even make sense? And you are probably thinking ‘but you might not!’ And I get that, right now sitting here I know that. But when it comes down to doing the real thing, that thought will creep back into my head and that’s it.
I also really need to learn to drive and that’s a whole other fear. What if I kill someone? What if someone kills me? What if I get into a car crash? What would I do? What if I get lost? Which again are all probably totally normal feelings but these fears hold me back so much. Here is another crazy story. For a few year I have know that I needed glasses for seeing distance. I knew that in order to start driving I would have to get glasses. So for years I told myself ‘well I can’t start driving yet because I don’t have glasses yet’ it was as though I was putting of getting the glasses because it made me feel better to have that excuse. I would go online to make an appointment for my eye test and physically could not press ‘make appointment’ and it’s not because I am afraid of eye tests. It all came back to the fear of ‘well then I’ll have no excuse to not learn to drive’. And Honestly typing this out I feel so stupid and it sounds ridiculous but at the time these irrational feelings feel so real.
I know anxiety presents itself in everyone differently but they main symptoms I see are
Last week I made the eye appointment
. Sounds ridiculous but I felt so proud. I now have my new glasses. And I’ve made plans to go visit my friend next week. This will mean me getting a train on my own. I’m trying not to think about the ‘what if’s’ and focus more on the memories I will miss if I don’t go.
I know this is really long and not really a question but I just thought that maybe someone will ‘get me’... even a little bit?
Back story:
So I didn’t have a huge social life is high school. Mainly because everyone was doing things that I didn’t really want to do. Partying, drinking, sex at said parties (I don’t judge people that do these things, it just wasn’t for me).I Didn’t really do much with friends outside of school.
So I moved away to a new city for uni when I was 19. This was HUGE for me, I never thought in my life I would be moving away for uni.
Due to this I didn’t really keep in contact with high school friends (lovely girls, no falling outs or anything just generally drifted from all of them, still have them on social media etc) They are all still a very close friend group which makes me feel worse because I always see them together
I made good friends in uni and enjoyed my time. First year I spent all my time with my flat mates, morning till night and even when we went to our rooms we were texting still. I had the time of my life.
2nd year I lived on my own and I became somewhat isolated. It wasn’t on purpose and I didn’t notice it day to day but looking back I see it. My grandad passes away at the beginning of 2 year which was hard because I wasn’t at home when he was sick and just made it home the day before he passed away. Then to have to leave my family again for uni was just awful. For a while I put my isolation down to that - I do an extent I still think that was the case. But looking back I was quite isolated in high school so this wasn’t entirely a new thing, if you know what I mean? In 2nd year I went out with friends and always enjoyed myself. I would always jump at the opportunity to do things with them so it’s not that I didn’t want to. I guess I just always found myself being their ‘other’ friend, who they went to when there was nothing else to do.
Third year was just about the same. Spent a lot of time on my own but did enjoy the times that I got to spend with friends and always wished I could spend more time with them.
So I qualified. For a while I stayed in the city I went to uni. I’m a midwife. My career is STRESSFUL and so so scary. I got a job and worked for a year and a half as a midwife and it was truly fine. It was difficult, scary and stressful but I coped none the less. Again, I spent most of my free time on my own. This is when it really started to dawn on me how lonely I was. Once again I was always just the ‘other’ friend. I just did everything on my own. And with no family either it was even worse.
I then decided to move back home and things just seem to have gotten worse. I’m not sure if it’s an anxiety thing, extreme fear thing or both or... I really don’t know. I’m not an overly shy person, I enjoy meeting and speaking to new people. I can start up a conversation with just about anyone (heck, I do it in my job all the time as you can imagine). I can speak publicly really well and enjoy doing it. My point being that I’m not just a very shy, introverted person.
I can leave my house on my own, I don’t feel fear when doing that like some people do. I think that my anxieties are very selective and I don’t even know if that’s a thing?
I haven’t gotten a new job yet and it’s been over a year (luckily I had lots of savings). I haven’t spent time with a friend since September. I know how sad that sounds. I spend a lot of time with family which I do love, but when I realised it had been 4 months since I seen or really spoke to a friend, I feel like I’m crazy.
So my ‘home’ friends I have drifted from like I said at the beginning. My uni friends are all in different cities now. So to see my friends I have to travel. This is where I ‘think’ I may have anxiety. I hate travelling and it’s not because it’s dirty and smells etc. I hate the crowds, I worry about everything. What if the bus/taxi is late and I miss the train? What if I don’t have enough money for they train and they kick me off? (Sounds crazy right? I’m not even sure if they would do this but at the time, I really feel like it’s a possibility) What if there are no seats? What if I sit in someone else’s seat and they get mad at me? What if I get on the wrong train and end up in the middle of no where with no funds to get home again? If I do travel, I have to know that I have so much extra cash on stand by just in case. So if I have enough money for a trip but not the extra £200 for the ‘what if’ then I’m too afraid to go. And really, I never have the extra £200 ‘what if’ money... so I never go anywhere.
This all sounds so crazy, I KNOW. But when I’m planning a journey it is all I can think about thus making me so afraid of even making the journey that I can’t even book the ticket. My friends have come to visit me but I can’t always expect that, it’s making me feel like a horrible friend. I honestly don’t even like texting my friends because I know at some point in the topic of conversation will be me coming to visit them and I don’t want to have to make excuses again and again. I really don’t want to be a bad friend. Which is ironic because in doing that I am being a bad friend.
I’ve realised that I totally avoid things that make me so afraid. My way to cope seems to be avoid the situation or anything that will put me in that situation at all costs. Am I making any sense?
Next thing is a job. I aced my uni interview and my first graduate job interview. I didn’t even feel overly nervous. This is why I’m so confused about why some things make me feel a certain way but others things don’t. For some reason I am so scared to get a new job as a midwife. A new job in a new place with new policies etc. This is totally a normal feeling I think, but I feel it so much that I can’t even think about applying for a new job or even looking for one or even updating my CV because once again, I avoid everything. I am so scared that people won’t like me, people will think I am stupid, something horrible will happen at work, that I will be traumatised, that someone will die (awful to think but that’s just where my mind goes), that I will lose my registration for something that was out of my hands etc. I feel like all my family think I don’t care about my job anymore (because I haven’t got one yet) but I think it’s actually the opposite. I care so much - I want to be a midwife. I care about new mothers and I am so passionate about supporting them. I want to be the best midwife I can be and I feel like that desire is so much that I am so afraid that I won’t achieve that. I could potentially lose my registration. Does that even make sense? And you are probably thinking ‘but you might not!’ And I get that, right now sitting here I know that. But when it comes down to doing the real thing, that thought will creep back into my head and that’s it.
I also really need to learn to drive and that’s a whole other fear. What if I kill someone? What if someone kills me? What if I get into a car crash? What would I do? What if I get lost? Which again are all probably totally normal feelings but these fears hold me back so much. Here is another crazy story. For a few year I have know that I needed glasses for seeing distance. I knew that in order to start driving I would have to get glasses. So for years I told myself ‘well I can’t start driving yet because I don’t have glasses yet’ it was as though I was putting of getting the glasses because it made me feel better to have that excuse. I would go online to make an appointment for my eye test and physically could not press ‘make appointment’ and it’s not because I am afraid of eye tests. It all came back to the fear of ‘well then I’ll have no excuse to not learn to drive’. And Honestly typing this out I feel so stupid and it sounds ridiculous but at the time these irrational feelings feel so real.
I know anxiety presents itself in everyone differently but they main symptoms I see are
- panic attacks
- Sweating
- Heart palpitations etc
- All these typical things I don’t feel. But like I said I just completely avoid things that make me so afraid meaning that I don’t even get into the situation.
Last week I made the eye appointment
. Sounds ridiculous but I felt so proud. I now have my new glasses. And I’ve made plans to go visit my friend next week. This will mean me getting a train on my own. I’m trying not to think about the ‘what if’s’ and focus more on the memories I will miss if I don’t go.I know this is really long and not really a question but I just thought that maybe someone will ‘get me’... even a little bit?
Last edited:
FinneousRex
Active Member
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- Jan 19, 2020
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I am convinced that we are the same person. I have so many of the same issues as you. Like with me, I know I have so much potential and I can do anything, but this anxiety monster is growing bigger and bigger. Sometimes things that never gave me anxiety give me anxiety now. Things that give other people anxiety don’t give me anxiety. I feel like I am wasting my life away even though I’ve been working. I feel like I’m not anywhere where I should need to be. I keep things in my life that are toxic for me because it gives me an excuse to not pursue things I love, for instance, weight loss - I always say “once I get thinner I’ll do that, I’ll find a guy, I’ll go on that trip, I’ll try that new hobby... etc”. It’s a defense mechanism. We would rather be in our own chaotic hell than deal with the unknown. The unknown is terrifying. I am actually going through the same thing you are with a job. I actually just started a new job today coincidentally - I suggest you go read my post about new job anxiety in the anxiety forum, you will probably relate a LOT to it.
I am going to get myself into therapy as soon as I can and I feel like you might want to, as well. I know a lot of my issues are developmental from when I was young because I didn’t grow up quite normally.
As far as driving, yeah it can be scary sometimes, but for the most part it’s second nature. Maybe set goals to only drive to your normal scenes (work, school, your favorite grocery store, gas station, etc) and once you get comfortable with all of that. Maybe once a week or two, try a new destination. I have definitely done a good amount of driving in my life, and trust me, putting limitations on yourself makes driving more anxiety provoking. So keep pushing yourself little by little and then you’ll realize “wow I was being silly about this”
This is also the issue with learning these things as an adult, learning things while a kid is so much easier. Like if I had to learn to drive as an adult, I’d probably feel very similar to you. When we are kids we don’t have that fear drilled into us.
As for the overall look at your story, I think you’re dealing with the same thing as me. I think I personally am caught in the middle of being in my mid-20s and teetering on the fence of young and adult. It’s kind of like that awkward teenage stage all over again. One day we feel like we can take on the world and be an adult and get it all together, then we start panicking that our lives are over and we revert into a scared child. My advice is surround yourself with people that make you feel important and comfortable. I personally don’t have people like that in my life very much, but the rare times that someone makes me feel this way, it really relieves the weight of all the stress and anxiety in the future.
If you want to talk more and keep in touch, feel free to message me directly
I am going to get myself into therapy as soon as I can and I feel like you might want to, as well. I know a lot of my issues are developmental from when I was young because I didn’t grow up quite normally.
As far as driving, yeah it can be scary sometimes, but for the most part it’s second nature. Maybe set goals to only drive to your normal scenes (work, school, your favorite grocery store, gas station, etc) and once you get comfortable with all of that. Maybe once a week or two, try a new destination. I have definitely done a good amount of driving in my life, and trust me, putting limitations on yourself makes driving more anxiety provoking. So keep pushing yourself little by little and then you’ll realize “wow I was being silly about this”
This is also the issue with learning these things as an adult, learning things while a kid is so much easier. Like if I had to learn to drive as an adult, I’d probably feel very similar to you. When we are kids we don’t have that fear drilled into us.
As for the overall look at your story, I think you’re dealing with the same thing as me. I think I personally am caught in the middle of being in my mid-20s and teetering on the fence of young and adult. It’s kind of like that awkward teenage stage all over again. One day we feel like we can take on the world and be an adult and get it all together, then we start panicking that our lives are over and we revert into a scared child. My advice is surround yourself with people that make you feel important and comfortable. I personally don’t have people like that in my life very much, but the rare times that someone makes me feel this way, it really relieves the weight of all the stress and anxiety in the future.
If you want to talk more and keep in touch, feel free to message me directly