I'm falling again
In indifference I mean
It's a feeling that I haven't had since middle school, I still remember the first day I felt it, I just sat in the back of my class, looking at all the work I had to do, looking at the people around me and I just felt it. , that hollow in the chest getting bigger and after feeling so much, all of a sudden all that emotion went off suddenly, and by the time I realized it, nothing mattered to me, not the activities, not the people, not me, the only thing I wanted It was for everything to end and to feel free from everything.
Changing schools was good for me, I started to have more healthy friends than I had, in fact I was improving my grades, everything seemed fine, everything was getting better, but then the pandemic came, and even though not leaving I did not I affected so much emotionally at first, it slowly began to take effect.
School became a bigger problem, online classes are almost impossible for me to concentrate, and that makes my grades slowly start to lower their level, seeing my grades change, my parents do nothing, well, yes They tell me to try harder, but they act like it's not a big deal, and I think it's because they know they don't need to punish me since I do it in my head without problems.
Today I finished an exam, and when I saw the bad grade I had there, that indifference reappeared, I remember going down to eat and my family asking me how it had gone and I simply trying to divert the subject, and when I told them nothing else they said the same thing Always, that I should try harder.
But I knew how much they were spending on my studies, on what they would spend on my studies in the future, I felt terrible, I still feel bad about it, I only remember going up later and crying for a few minutes, but they were enough to let so many tears fall.
But that indifference is what scares me most of all, I don't want to go back to how I was before, that slowly things began to not matter to me, a cruel shell that my subconscious was making to protect me, but also to make me look for the easy way, I have afraid, very afraid of falling, but this indifference makes me not so afraid to finish everything, and that is the worst of all.
This post had no reason at all, it was to vent I guess, if you read this far thank you.
In indifference I mean
It's a feeling that I haven't had since middle school, I still remember the first day I felt it, I just sat in the back of my class, looking at all the work I had to do, looking at the people around me and I just felt it. , that hollow in the chest getting bigger and after feeling so much, all of a sudden all that emotion went off suddenly, and by the time I realized it, nothing mattered to me, not the activities, not the people, not me, the only thing I wanted It was for everything to end and to feel free from everything.
Changing schools was good for me, I started to have more healthy friends than I had, in fact I was improving my grades, everything seemed fine, everything was getting better, but then the pandemic came, and even though not leaving I did not I affected so much emotionally at first, it slowly began to take effect.
School became a bigger problem, online classes are almost impossible for me to concentrate, and that makes my grades slowly start to lower their level, seeing my grades change, my parents do nothing, well, yes They tell me to try harder, but they act like it's not a big deal, and I think it's because they know they don't need to punish me since I do it in my head without problems.
Today I finished an exam, and when I saw the bad grade I had there, that indifference reappeared, I remember going down to eat and my family asking me how it had gone and I simply trying to divert the subject, and when I told them nothing else they said the same thing Always, that I should try harder.
But I knew how much they were spending on my studies, on what they would spend on my studies in the future, I felt terrible, I still feel bad about it, I only remember going up later and crying for a few minutes, but they were enough to let so many tears fall.
But that indifference is what scares me most of all, I don't want to go back to how I was before, that slowly things began to not matter to me, a cruel shell that my subconscious was making to protect me, but also to make me look for the easy way, I have afraid, very afraid of falling, but this indifference makes me not so afraid to finish everything, and that is the worst of all.
This post had no reason at all, it was to vent I guess, if you read this far thank you.
