In a seriously bad way right now

[suzzeeb]

I'm probably bugging everyone with my frequent posts lately, but I am seriously worried right now. I have not had a great summer with my anxiety due to PVC ablation in July and just recently had 2 wisdom teeth removed, which for most people would not be a big deal, but right before I had the extractions I went into a downward spiral of not sleeping and just feeling really bad, but I went through with it anyway to get it over with. Since then I don't feel like myself at all. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, and even if I do sleep I still feel terrible. I am shaky all over most of the day. I just feel physically ill at this point. I think I'm depressed now and super anxious at the same time.

My doctor wants me to use my Klonopin as little as possible, so I try not to take more than maybe 1/2 of a 0.5 mg tablet before bed, but if I wake up after a few hours I take another half because I really need to sleep. He gave me Prozac which I tried but on the 3rd day of that I felt even worse, which I know that's how it is with SSRIs, but I can't take feeling any worse than I do right now at this point, so I stopped taking that. I'm so lost right now. I feel weak and sick and not sure how long I can feel this bad. I have an appointment with a new psychologist this Thursday, so hopefully that will help somehow.

It's hard to keep pretending I'm ok when my daughter comes over with my grandkids, but I don't really want her to worry. I wish I were rich and had another home to go to for a few weeks or months to try to get myself together without worrying about doing my daily routine!

 

[alwaysworried]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, I think all of us here know how awful it feels to be stuck in your anxiety.
Hopefully the visit with the new psychologist helps - only a few days away! Maybe thinking about taking one day at a time could help - I know that I usually get stuck in the "I don't know how much longer I can deal with this" mindset, where I'm just imagining weeks, months, even years into the future with nothing changed. If you just take it one day at a time, sometimes everything can feel more manageable.
Something else that helps me is changing my negative "what-ifs" into positive "what-ifs". For example, I often wake up in the morning and think "what if something comes up today that I can't deal with?" or "what if something makes me anxious at work and I'm not able to cope?". I then take these thoughts, acknowledge them, but also think "what if everything goes great today?" and "what if nothing goes wrong? What if something wonderful happens?" Half the time I don't really believe in what I'm saying, but even the mere suggestion that good things might happen can help. Otherwise, it's really easy for me to start the day already expecting bad things to happen. And if something bad does happen? You'll 100% be able to deal with it, as you always have in the past. You've gotten through bad days and you will continue to. Sometimes even just realizing this can give you that little bit of a boost.

In the meantime - you might consider telling your daughter how you feel. You don't have to tell her all of it, I know you don't want her to worry, but maybe just saying something like "hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed and anxious right now" could help - that way she knows how you're feeling, and could maybe do something to help. Feeling alone in your anxiety can really make it worse, and if you feel up to it, even just mentioning it in passing to your daughter might help lessen those anxious feelings.

I recently downloaded an app called DARE. There's a free version or you can pay to have access to all of the audios, but I believe even in the free version there are a bunch of audios specifically designed to help with insomnia. I don't know if you've ever tried anything like that, or if that would be helpful for you, but might be worth a look. There are also some great audios in there to guide you through anxiety and panic attacks that have really helped me!

Until you can go to your appointment and hopefully get some solutions, I hope you are able to find little ways to relax here and there, and I hope you find some relief soon let us know how your appointment goes!

 

[suzzeeb]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. My daughter knows I have anxiety and knows I have been struggling, but I hate to keep telling everyone about it. They are here 2-3 times a week because she works right down the street from our house, so after work she brings the kids over, which is a lot for me right now too, but I don't know how to tell her that either. It's chaotic with a 1 and 5 year old and me cooking for everyone and all the noise! I love them very much and usually am happy to see them, but sometimes its overwhelming, especially when I feel like this.

But you are right. I have had really hard days and got through them somehow, so I guess I will just keep pushing through. Not much choice!

Thanks again for your reply.

 

[alwaysworried]

That sounds like such a difficult situation to be in! I wish I could reach right through the screen and give you a hug. I know what you mean about how you hate to keep telling people about your anxiety...I feel like that too, and sometimes it seems easier to just push through and try to appear ok. In this situation though, since you are feeling so badly, I think it may be really beneficial if you reach out to your daughter again - maybe suggest that she only brings the kids around once a week, or twice a week, until you feel like you've got your feet back under you. Or maybe just don't bring them around for this week, until you have your meeting with the psychologist!

Obviously, though, I don't know your life or your exact situation, and you'll feel in your gut what is best for you to do. Remember that while your daughter and your grandkids are undoubtedly very important - so are you! It's not selfish to put your mental health first.

Try to think of the future, when you'll be feeling better, and all of the wonderful memories you'll create with your daughter and your grandkids

I don't know if this helps at all, but I hope you can find some peace and happiness along the way!

 

[suzzeeb]

Thank you for your kind words! I could cry reading your reply. It's nice to have support from others who understand.