I'm seriously ill and hypochondriac hubby driving me nuts - please help

[HypoWife]

Recovering from covid.. major damage to heart and lungs..
Dealt with hubby's hypochondria for 20 years but just can't deal now
I should have insisted he get mental help before now - but I need techniques to just get me through the next few weeks/months
He's copying my symptoms
I won't even tell him how I'm feeling because it will start a round of how he's feeling the same thing
ANY activity causes me heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat, trouble breathing... yet I am fixing my own meals and taking care of myself (and leaving him to take care of himself) because I don't dare ask him to fix me a meal then listen to him complain about how hard it is because he's so sick - I might explode.

Every now and then it's like he starts feeling guilty and he will ask repeatedly "can I do something for you" which I always decline - should I let him do something for me? Would this make things better or worse?

Any suggestions welcome - I am not sure how much more I can take.

 

[Fraser]

Health anxiety can definitely be a strain on relationships; you are not alone here. Different forums have different cultures and one that you might find helpful for this particular issue is "nomorepanic" (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?29-Health-Anxiety). That forum is a bit more assertive/aggressive about how to address health anxiety whereas this forum tends to be accommodating/coping.

I know my HA (health anxiety) has caused stress on my relationships in the past. What does your husband actively do to address his health anxiety? Does he do cognitive behavioral therapy or engage with mindful meditation? Does he journal or something else? The key to turning HA around is to start getting proactive about it instead of simply responding to the symptoms. If you come at this from the angle of wanting him to get better and letting him know honestly that it is stressing you out when you are already sick, hopefully he will be willing to make the first steps. Tell him how difficult this time for you and tell him that his HA is making it more difficult.

Also, just to be clear, your frustration is justified.

 

[bin_tenn]

Sounds like he should address his anxiety. Has he tried therapy? Talking to his doctor about medication and such?

 

[mollyfin]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. That's awful. I hope you're getting the best care available. Are you insured and would it potentially cover a visiting nurse type service? And if not, there are volunteer organizations that provide services to people in need of at-home help when dealing with illness. Usually they're aimed towards elders but I've seen some reaching out to long-term COVID patients. It might be worth looking into. I know this isn't what you came here for but I figured I'd say something just in case.

What he can do for you is see an actual doctor instead of diagnosing himself, and then when he's given a clean bill of health, get his ass to therapy immediately.

I'm sympathetic to your husband because hypochondria is a difficult thing to deal with, but I'm also gonna say it's a hell of a lot less difficult than what you're dealing with, and he needs to be aware that his mental illness is burdening you and damaging your relationship. I'm pretty confident that he's not doing this on purpose, but that doesn't really matter, because he IS doing it.

It's possible though that he'll refuse to hear any of it. I would say keep being honest with him about his anxiety and how it's affecting you. And it's possible that he'll stonewall or argue because this **** is hard to hear. I would say let it slide as little as possible because the way things are right now, he probably feels no need to confront his own crap. But I also know you're exhausted and this is a lot to deal with on top of your very real health issues.

I'm going to ask my partner as well when I see her later and see if she has any advice for you, since she's been putting up with my hypochondria for so many years.

 

[HypoWife]

Thank you all for the replies. I will also check the other forums recommended.

I should have said - he does NOT admit he's a hypochondriac. He gets very upset if he thinks I'm even hinting at such a thing.

I've tried multiple times to talk to him about it, and even avoided the word hypochondriac and used other phrases like "anxiety disorder" to soften the blow (he has been treated for anxiety disorders, and freely admits he HAD them) but he gets VERY defensive. Funny (not so funny?) thing is - he talks about how his mother is a hypochondriac (true) so I have to wonder if it's in the back of his mind that maybe he is a hypochondriac as well. And she calls to check on me and tells me how she knows HE is a hypochondriac and she's sorry I have to deal with it.

I've tried to address it with him from the point of view that I'm trying to help him get diagnosed. He DOES have something strange going on with his health, and one dr thought it was some sort of vasculitis, but when he wanted to biopsy his temporal artery he freaked out and stopped seeing that doctor.

All that said... it amazes me to talk to people who freely admit their hypochondria. Either you're VERY different from my husband, or you found very good reasons to confront this difficult truth head-on. Or maybe there's something else I'm missing. I'm just having a hard time believing my husband will ever admit he's a hypochondriac unless I can get him into therapy for some other reason first.

 

[Fraser]

Thank you all for the replies. I will also check the other forums recommended.

I should have said - he does NOT admit he's a hypochondriac. He gets very upset if he thinks I'm even hinting at such a thing.

I've tried multiple times to talk to him about it, and even avoided the word hypochondriac and used other phrases like "anxiety disorder" to soften the blow (he has been treated for anxiety disorders, and freely admits he HAD them) but he gets VERY defensive. Funny (not so funny?) thing is - he talks about how his mother is a hypochondriac (true) so I have to wonder if it's in the back of his mind that maybe he is a hypochondriac as well. And she calls to check on me and tells me how she knows HE is a hypochondriac and she's sorry I have to deal with it.

I've tried to address it with him from the point of view that I'm trying to help him get diagnosed. He DOES have something strange going on with his health, and one dr thought it was some sort of vasculitis, but when he wanted to biopsy his temporal artery he freaked out and stopped seeing that doctor.

All that said... it amazes me to talk to people who freely admit their hypochondria. Either you're VERY different from my husband, or you found very good reasons to confront this difficult truth head-on. Or maybe there's something else I'm missing. I'm just having a hard time believing my husband will ever admit he's a hypochondriac unless I can get him into therapy for some other reason first.

The vast majority of hypochondriacs know they are hypochondriacs. He might know and be afraid to admit it.

 

[mollyfin]

That's a tough situation. I've not had this issue with hypochondria specifically - I've known that one all my life, haha - but when depression has turned me into a proper asshole, I've been in deep, deep denial at times, and unfortunately the only things that have snapped me out of it are ultimatums from loved ones. And even then I'm in denial but I recognize that I have to stop if I want to keep those I love in my life. And eventually I realize what's actually been happening.

It's a godawful, abusive pattern that I've gotten a lot better about over the years but it still pops up sometimes, usually as a reaction to medication or withdrawal of medication. I'm definitely not saying "So tell your husband shape up or you'll leave him," because that would be terrible advice. I'm just acknowledging that I know this situation from the other side, and I know how hard it is for the people on the outside of it, because I've been the one doing it.

Honestly I wish I had advice to offer. The people in my life tend to be the opposite of me - if they seem to have a health issue, they refuse to go to the doctor because they don't want bad news and just ignore it.

If you suggested marriage counseling, would he go? Because there's no way this isn't going to take a toll on your relationship. Heck, are you in therapy? It might benefit you and maybe you could get some insight on ways to best handle this situation from a professional.

 

[Fraser]

If you suggested marriage counseling, would he go? Because there's no way this isn't going to take a toll on your relationship. Heck, are you in therapy? It might benefit you and maybe you could get some insight on ways to best handle this situation from a professional.

This is good advice.

 

[Cuchculan]

My late father was a hypochondriac. But according to him there was never anything wrong with him. That is the way some people can be. Is like if they own up to it, it might be viewed as a weakness. You are trying to be the man about the house, you are not going to want to show any weaknesses at all. Who remembers when they first knew they had issues with anxiety? Hands up everybody. Most of us probably tried to deny it to ourselves for a long period of time to begin with. At first because we hadn't a clue what was going on. We were confused. Trying to figure it all out in our own minds. I know I went over a year before I said anything to anybody. Then there was the whole stigma that came with mental health issues. Only last week we spoke about how many people know we have anxiety issues. Meaning friends we might have. Most of us did admit that we don't really tell many people about our anxiety at all. There is all that side to everything. How he himself views such things?

 

[Sweet T]

And there are some really good online therapists if you are unable to get out of the house much. Good luck.

 

[mollyfin]

And there are some really good online therapists if you are unable to get out of the house much. Good luck.

Good point, there are a lot of therapists doing sessions over the phone nowadays as well.

 

[Doug97]

Recovering from covid.. major damage to heart and lungs..
Dealt with hubby's hypochondria for 20 years but just can't deal now
I should have insisted he get mental help before now - but I need techniques to just get me through the next few weeks/months
He's copying my symptoms
I won't even tell him how I'm feeling because it will start a round of how he's feeling the same thing
ANY activity causes me heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat, trouble breathing... yet I am fixing my own meals and taking care of myself (and leaving him to take care of himself) because I don't dare ask him to fix me a meal then listen to him complain about how hard it is because he's so sick - I might explode.

Every now and then it's like he starts feeling guilty and he will ask repeatedly "can I do something for you" which I always decline - should I let him do something for me? Would this make things better or worse?

Any suggestions welcome - I am not sure how much more I can take.

How are things now?