Ruiningmylifetosa
New Member
- Joined
- May 7, 2022
- Messages
- 8
- Reaction score
- 1
I'm back. Sadly
I used to be on those anxiety forums back in my mid 20s . I was having a bad time back then. Had No real friends. Was the worst procrastinator. No job. But one thing i had in the days was a large family. I had my immediate family, father mum, bros and i had the numerous aunts and uncles with all the cousins and children of cousins. They kind of never had any problem with me back then. I was even friends with some of the cousins. They never knew i had social anxiety. My sa affected mostly my social life outside of my large family. I could manage inside the family though it was very far from what i wanted.
One day i lost my new job. I had a major breakdown. I really felt lost and humiliated even guilty. It was a very bad mix of feelings. So i comforted myself using similar forums to vent out and try to find people like me who suffer .
Days went by and a family member told me she knew somebody who i could marry. That i would be happy with him. I was so desperate about my life . I wasnt very confident that i would get a new job or that i would be able to thrive in any job i was lucky to get. I was so desperate that i jumped on the occasion to marry. Deep inside i felt that he was desperate to marry any woman he got . So we got married. My family was happy for my wedding.or maybe they were just happy there was going to be a party i dont know. My parents arranged for the wedding because i was cashless. Fast forward to today. Im almost 35. Im still married to a guy who doesnt seem to give me more importance than his mom. I have a toddler i love so much. I have in laws from hell. Or maybe i am their hell. And my dear family, That large team of aunts cousins i had...well they seem all angry at me. No they never told me so but i can feel it. Its highly understandable. Since i got married i dont see them much though i dont live very far from them. Im not able to welcome them where i live because i get so anxious that my neighbours will eavesdrop on our conversation because they live very close to my house. So nobody ever comes to my place . The rare occasions one or two came i was so anxious i didnt say much. So as a result they probably think im acting proud and dont want to have them in my life anymore. Actually i think thats what everyone is thinking about me these days. That im a proud and ungrateful person. This hurts to the core. The whole time ive been married had been plagued by feelings of guilt, sadness ,anxiety, anger frustration all in the mix towards my family. I always think about what their negative feeling towards me might be. I also think that this sort of unwanted estrangement has been going on for too long for it to be reversed. Its above my capabilities as an anxious person. I cant handle this. But this is not the worst. Im afraid. Im constantly afraid that my toddler will suffer from my mistakes. He is already living the consequences of my anxiety. He has no playdates - i mean he has no little cousins to play with. And he is not yet admitted to school. He is shy with strangers.im so sad for my baby.
Right now i have the impossible wish i could win a lottery so i could try and fix my life. But its not this easy. Im fully dependant on my spouse. Im living basically at my inlaws mercy. They say whatever they want about me. My mother in law dislikes me. Its like shes always trying to show me how she owns the place. I dislike her too. She is nosy. She eavesdrop on me often to listen to conversatipns with my husband.well thats a long story. Im just gonna sum it up that social anxiety ruined my life. I dont have any hope left. The only thing which keeps me going through all this is my baby. If it were not for him maybe my story would have ended long ago. Im so desperate. Im constantly frustrated. I turned bitter. I feel the ugly look of people on me like they dislike me because they think im proud. But im not. Im just socially anxious and has been avoiding people for so many years that old friends turned to enemies. I feel misunderstood by all. The list gets bigger as i get older. The loneliness is starting to get unbearable . Im just fed up but keep on living. My life feels more like a prison than a life im supposed to enjoy. Im tied to all those people but they all end up estranged from me because i could not keep them near me. If somebody could help me id be grateful.
I used to be on those anxiety forums back in my mid 20s . I was having a bad time back then. Had No real friends. Was the worst procrastinator. No job. But one thing i had in the days was a large family. I had my immediate family, father mum, bros and i had the numerous aunts and uncles with all the cousins and children of cousins. They kind of never had any problem with me back then. I was even friends with some of the cousins. They never knew i had social anxiety. My sa affected mostly my social life outside of my large family. I could manage inside the family though it was very far from what i wanted.
One day i lost my new job. I had a major breakdown. I really felt lost and humiliated even guilty. It was a very bad mix of feelings. So i comforted myself using similar forums to vent out and try to find people like me who suffer .
Days went by and a family member told me she knew somebody who i could marry. That i would be happy with him. I was so desperate about my life . I wasnt very confident that i would get a new job or that i would be able to thrive in any job i was lucky to get. I was so desperate that i jumped on the occasion to marry. Deep inside i felt that he was desperate to marry any woman he got . So we got married. My family was happy for my wedding.or maybe they were just happy there was going to be a party i dont know. My parents arranged for the wedding because i was cashless. Fast forward to today. Im almost 35. Im still married to a guy who doesnt seem to give me more importance than his mom. I have a toddler i love so much. I have in laws from hell. Or maybe i am their hell. And my dear family, That large team of aunts cousins i had...well they seem all angry at me. No they never told me so but i can feel it. Its highly understandable. Since i got married i dont see them much though i dont live very far from them. Im not able to welcome them where i live because i get so anxious that my neighbours will eavesdrop on our conversation because they live very close to my house. So nobody ever comes to my place . The rare occasions one or two came i was so anxious i didnt say much. So as a result they probably think im acting proud and dont want to have them in my life anymore. Actually i think thats what everyone is thinking about me these days. That im a proud and ungrateful person. This hurts to the core. The whole time ive been married had been plagued by feelings of guilt, sadness ,anxiety, anger frustration all in the mix towards my family. I always think about what their negative feeling towards me might be. I also think that this sort of unwanted estrangement has been going on for too long for it to be reversed. Its above my capabilities as an anxious person. I cant handle this. But this is not the worst. Im afraid. Im constantly afraid that my toddler will suffer from my mistakes. He is already living the consequences of my anxiety. He has no playdates - i mean he has no little cousins to play with. And he is not yet admitted to school. He is shy with strangers.im so sad for my baby.
Right now i have the impossible wish i could win a lottery so i could try and fix my life. But its not this easy. Im fully dependant on my spouse. Im living basically at my inlaws mercy. They say whatever they want about me. My mother in law dislikes me. Its like shes always trying to show me how she owns the place. I dislike her too. She is nosy. She eavesdrop on me often to listen to conversatipns with my husband.well thats a long story. Im just gonna sum it up that social anxiety ruined my life. I dont have any hope left. The only thing which keeps me going through all this is my baby. If it were not for him maybe my story would have ended long ago. Im so desperate. Im constantly frustrated. I turned bitter. I feel the ugly look of people on me like they dislike me because they think im proud. But im not. Im just socially anxious and has been avoiding people for so many years that old friends turned to enemies. I feel misunderstood by all. The list gets bigger as i get older. The loneliness is starting to get unbearable . Im just fed up but keep on living. My life feels more like a prison than a life im supposed to enjoy. Im tied to all those people but they all end up estranged from me because i could not keep them near me. If somebody could help me id be grateful.