I'm a very likable person, but the more people are around me and get to know me the more I expect them to hate me. Can anyone relate?

[DoUntoUdders]

It's really annoying. This trend has existed for me since around the first grade. I was bullied a lot until about the end of my sophomore year of high school. At that point it was clear that I could do whatever I wanted in the future, I had colleges offering me pretty much whatever I wanted to attend them, and I developed anorexia (so I was "extra attractive," as my Nana said...). I know intellectually why the bullying happened. Even when I was an overweight kid I was above average in the "looks" department, I have always been intelligent and quick-witted, and despite a few others very publicly harassing and hurting me I continued to treat others like I wanted to be treated. From the outside I looked perfect. People wanted to be around me because I'm affable and my sense of humor is wicked. I saw my parents last week and my dad couldn't even keep a sip of his water down because I'd crack a joke at everything he said! At one point he was gasping and said to my mom when she came to check on him, "She's... Just so fast! She just doesn't stop!" I replied, "EW, DAD, NO! Don't tell Mom THAT!" And he choked up again saying, "See what I mean?!"

I've always loved humor and have used it when I've been depressed or anxious. Due to a history of bullying and trauma and a PTSD Dx, humor is something I utilize very frequently. It makes things at least tolerable, but usually makes things I loathe the thought of at least temporarily enjoyable. That's how I meet a lot of people and socialize the most as well, let it be at work, just out and about (not so much lately though, $5 to anyone who can guess why correctly!), group therapy sessions, etc. The people who get it the most are the ones who get close to becoming befriended by me. The closer we get and the more they open up to me, the more I open up about myself. That's how relationships should go. But I feel like once people realize that I'm a little f-ed in the head despite the massive strides I've made (and the fact that they're stunned, even saying that it's incredible what I've been through and have accomplished since) that they start thinking less of me. I know this can't always be the case and I know, again intellectually based on context clues and whatnot, that it usually isn't the case.

I guess I feel like the closer they get to me the more likely one of these things will happen:

- They'll think I'm a sham
- They'll think I'm crazy due to my history
- They'll start noticing little things I still do due to anxiety
- They'll think less of me just for knowing what I've shared with them
- They'll know no one wants to be around me because of the aforementioned reasons and use me as a way to get what they want (money, etc.)

Then I start to isolate myself from them and we grow apart. When we talk or meet up after that they're a little wary because we went from frequent communication to me almost ghosting them. I KNOW THAT. But stupid anxiety keeps saying, "Pssstt! It's because THEY KNOW YOU'RE FULL OF ****! You're just a scaredy cat Grim reaper and they don't like you!" This is especially why I can be distant with co-workers--because I can't hide from them like I can from other people. So despite my parents, family, therapist, and group therapy mates telling me that I'm hilarious, lovable, and lift others up through choosing to share what I do at the best and most relevant times... I'm pretty much friendless now. Yeah...

And in February, the week after Valentine's day when my fiance didn't even say "Happy Valentine's Day!" even though I spent my whole paycheck on him to make it great.. And was about six weeks discharged from the psych ward... I broke up with him. I live on my own now. Things are a lot better, but thinking about how he intentionally isolated me to milk my family and I for money for nearly a decade (I now know for drugs and other illicit things) and that I've never opened up to anyone like that before or since then... Why bother? I feel like people are faking it, think I'm crazy, but know how much I can offer them and keep me around just for that. :/

Anyone feel the same? How are you coping with it?

 

[heroiceroica]

Yes!!! I also have a tendency to make a joke out of everything and be excessively sarcastic. I constantly feel like I’m going overboard and the person I’m talking to will get annoyed and/or think I’m nuts. I wish I could tell you something other than you’re not alone because my “coping strategy” is to never approach anyone first and interact as little as possible with friends, which I know I should change.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I am similar in regards of meeting new people. I started to talk to people less and less ever since middle school. I developed two mind sets: a reserved overly suspicious side and the one who tries to be nice. I tried to do alot of things in school but I realized admiration was just them mocking me and all my friends were just laughing at me. Got worse at high school as I started to isolate myself and began a nasty person from star to finish. Now in collage I only act friendly once thier is group work to be done or if I need to ask ffg or help. Which I HATE doing.
When I ment good people the thought of them.talking behind my back was always thier. I broke alot of friendship and would be lovers. I found out at my senior year that the school spread a rumor that they thought I was a school shooter. Which day day I was in class all three periods. Also in prior years I got blamed for smoking weed three times and was accused of peeping twice. Although I was proven innocent for the fact the people in the camera looked nothing like me.
So I'm sorry fbb or what has happened to you and you seemed to have pushed through it and living free. The bad times from years pass are done for me but my mistrust will always be thier. I guessed I remember the bad things more then the good at times. But I have my hobbies, family, and more or less my faith keeping me in check. Also I'm a stubborn bastard who doesn't know how to quick so there is that.
I still don't like people and I still want to avoid lifes problems. Its mostly self hate for not trying hard enough. Still living a lazy collage life and trying to find my self in this life. With my head in the clouds. I want to give up but idk why I'm still hear. Your free, I'm am not. Your brave, I am not. You have your own destiny and I hazered to guess you have air will have some one to call friend. You just have to be stubborn and find him/her.
Don't give up like me ,TRY, RESIST, SUCCEED.

 

[Joshua1]

Anyone feel the same? How are you coping with it?

I used to feel that way, but i broke out of my insecurities. That is what they are that you are experiencing, there is doubt in your persona.