i'm a ****up

[deeplyrotten]

I'm not helping myself keep away from relapsing into depression an anxiety is geting worse
i cant fnish school
i dont do the things i want to
i feel an urge to do things followed by cripling anxiety and apathy
My social anxiety is getting bad again
on top of it all i like drinking. ideally i would like to control it but im bad at that so i should stop but i love it
the problem is i loose my memory easily and do stupid shameful stuff. and dont even have fun at partys or hang out with my friends doing positive interactions. alcohol takes control
***start of stupid anecdote from a stupid person***
i was at a party with my training friends. training saved me before so being with them makes me feels calm an i really like them i injured myself and stop training an now i feel anxious about returning cause i fat again an lost all the skills i had so i'll be dumb and i will feel ashamed. it dumb i know. so in the party i got drunk and got to second base with a friends friend he kept trying to go all th way but i'm a virgin an didnt really wanted to. eventually we both got bored an went to sleep, i remember leaving the room but not the rest. this often hapens to me specially when i'm sleepy. i didnt repent but now i'm paranoid wether something else hapened. i think i my stuff would probably feel diferent if i had haded sex but idk my brain wont let it go. i also feel bad cause what i he talks. everyone was suposedly sleeping an he swore he wouldnt say an he has a girlfriend but i have many friends and i know they thend to brag and be bad people he may even have told one of his friends to leave so he could make a pass at me. i really hope noone knows cause they would make such a big deal out of this an i like my friend but cause they are very normie they may thing now of me as used? an i will feel like i cant return to train with them wich is bad cause training makes the anxiety go away. i spent a lot of my life aboiding problems like this but i was bored, drunk an as someone who wants to write feel like i should have many experiences so i went for it. I was ok with what i did but now i really really really hope nothing had hapened or at least i hope nothing else happened (meaning i didnt went insane went back an said what the hell lets do this or he druged me) an noone else knows (either cause he told or someone saw us) i dont thing something else hapened it seems unlikely an i dont think he will tell from what i now him he's decent.
writing it makes me feel better an helps thing every thing is fine. if something else had hapened i would know i hope and he might not tell. or maybe everything is ****** up but right its all in my brain and i'm the one causing the bad feelings. there's not much i can do if i ask him or try to find out if they know i will probably **** things up even more like i usually do when i try to fix my problems while feeling this bad
i like being a virgin, i hope i'm still one. sex isnt worth it for me
***end***
I didnt wanted to feel bad cause of what i did but often my ****** up brain makes me repen every desition i make. and the anxiety just grows wich makes me less usefull and my coping mekanisms are either watching hours of asmr or doing stupid **** like what i just told. an this causes even more anxiety. the only way i can actually control it is by working out a lot but that also takes much time from all the stuff i have to do and know i feel even more nervous about returning to train with them.
I sometimes think that i have made way to many mistakes in things i said i never wanted to do and this makes me loose even more the will to live wich makes me do more stupid mistakes. like theres no meaning in fixing my life now and should just die. i dont believe in suicide but i do tend to just lay down and wait for the end but it takes to long and i get bored and do idiotic stuff feel stupid try to better my life feel like its pointless or i get lazy or i procastinate or forget or feel apathy or fail and feel bad an just so many cicles o ****** up i hadnt seen till now and hat i dont know how to get out off
sorry this is so long i just feel specially down since the party.
i feel depression creepily close again i hope i dont get worse
i now the only thing i can do is keep trying an to not give into the bad stuff so easily.

 

[janemariesayed]

Thanks for posting your message @deeplyrotten I feel you and my heart goes out to you. You need to calm yourself down and take one step at a time. Your mind seems to be all over the place and this, sadly is a symptom of anxiety. You've found a great forum here so do please come and talk about anything and you will never be judged. You say that writing things down makes you feel better. It's a good idea, and it has a calming effect because it takes your mind away to somewhere nice.

Think about going back to training. It will be wonderful for you and it will be great for the mind too.