Ideas after I had a breakdown

[Phil10]

I had a breakdown in 2016 but I have had many ideas in my head I want to discuss here is my list:

*Worry my life is a fix or my mind of thoughts are preplanned

*I worry if you figure out your existence you die?

*The toilet block at work for customers went out of service I use to wash my hands lots my fear is they seen me on camera so decided to put them out of service ironically they are now working but there is a pass code to get in and nobody tells me. My fear is it’s god reaching me a lesson as I suffer ocd and wash my hands lots but I also fear it’s because my life is a fix?

*Somebody put my bin in my front garden and as I have ocd again I worry god is teaching me a lesson.

*I worry life is all one big lesson but why I wonder why do we get a lesson why can’t I just trod along and have a quiet life?

I have solispism ideas in my head hence the above thoughts also stuff like bleeping reminds me of a heart monitor and I worry again I will die. When I had a breakdown I seen life in a deep way and heard people saying I wouldn’t “get back” my worry is if you have a breakdown you die or get locked up forever

Anybody got any ideas on my views?

 

[Joe diesel 09]

I had a breakdown several yrs back. I must confess. I came back different. I used to b non confrontational with people. I had a wife of 24 yrs that was really doing some nasty things and it and my anxiety drove me to a breakdown. When I decided enough was enough after the breakdown and ran my cheatin wife off, believe it or not, my anxiety vanished. But I have discovered since my breakdown, I am different. I'm no longer non confrontational. If I feel disrespected or taken advantage of, I blow my top! Literally. I'm not talking about with my family or those that I love, im talking about everyone else. Customers or acquaintances, or just somebody rude or disrespectful. In the first 4 months after my breakdown and split from my 1st wife, I was in 4 fights. Big ones! 2 Got me in hot water with the law, both customers who was skimping on their bills for services rendered and ultimately filed bankruptcy, 1 guy stole a truck from my shop,( word to the wise, there's a reason trucks are at a diesel repair shop! Chances are the one you choose to steal has a problem!)which broke down and left him afoot only for me to find him all alone walking down the highway, and another whom disrespected my 2 middle sons. And prior to all of this I didn't have a police record and was known in my community to be a well respected fella. Well, now many think Im a loose cannon. Im 45 yrs old. I can't b acting like this. I wasn't like this before my breakdown. And at the time of all of these skirmishes, I had zero anxiety! None. Was in the gym daily, had met an amazing woman, had plenty of work, things were actually going very well. But when I got mad, if you ain't kinfolk, it's gonna get ugly for one of us! That's no way for a 45 yr old family man and business professional to act. It made me ashamed of myself. On a lighter side, what work I get I don't have any trouble getting paid and nobody has broke in or stolen anything else from my shop. But it came with a price. I'm convinced. That breakdown someway caused this personality change. Either that or the emotional hell my first wife put me through. Either way, I'm different. And I can't apologize enough to those I love because these actions cost me much business this last yr and that ultimately affects my family too. My anxiety tho has returned with a vengeance ! I just want to b normal again. To work and love and b normal. No anxiety, just live a peaceful happy existance with those that I love.

 

[FinneousRex]

I just want to b normal again. To work and love and b normal. No anxiety, just live a peaceful happy existance with those that I love.

This definitely brought me to tears, because I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and have come to the conclusion that it is most likely not possible. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I’ve reset myself and set a new goal. My new goal is “to have more good days than bad days” but the good days I want to actually be GOOD. Not sitting there at a stalemate, not wavering between good and bad and not emotionally detached. I want to have just more genuine good than bad days. Even if it’s 16 good and 14 bad in a 30 day month, I’ll take it. Inevitable happiness, to me in my life, is completely unattainable. And it hurts so much to accept that. Some people will call it negative or giving up. But I call it being realistic and rational based on the information/data and past experiences I have had. Why lie to myself and set myself up for this grand failure?