I will never be normal

[Eavie]

I have never joined a forum or chat room so here goes.
The thoughts that runs through my head all day, everyday will never cease. The repetitive bad things I heard over and over most of my life. You're stupid, you'll never amount to nothing, see you made me hit you, why do you make me so angry? And they go on and on and on.
When I went to my dad to tell him what my uncle (his brother) had done to me, my daddy just told me to shut up and quit making sh** up or I will give you something to shut you up.
When I was a teen and we'll into young adulthood I would safety pin my braw together to smooth my boob because I thought it was my fault. No one believed me. My beautiful cousin who was my uncle's youngest daughter committed suicide because of what he did to her.
But that's not why I hate myself and believe I am worthless. It is and always be that way.
I sought out a couselor well you can say shrink and have been seeing one for almost 2 years and have been on every type of anti depression or anti anxiety meds you can name but the thoughts in my head have never ceased. In fact they have gotten worse.
I believe that I deserve to hurt in all ways. I don't want anyone to feel pity on me and that is why I am here to be anomosis. I cannot tell anyone else because I feel I should hold this burden.
When I was about 14 I beGan cutting myself. Me and that very same cousin. Then I began to burn myself. Then I would starve myself. And even as far as attempting to kill myself by overdosing on medicine where I had lost my hearing for a short time. I tried to hang myself but I was so dumb I couldn't get the rope right. But my beautiful cousin and best friend who went through this with me did commit suicide by overdose. She was always doing things before me. But I hurt for her because I was not there for her like when she forced me to vomit up the pills I had taken. She was found in her apartment days later. She had choked to death on her own vomit.
But I was good for a few years and then the feelings and thoughts have come back. I want to disconnect with the world and sometimes go to sleep and never wake up.
I have recently began self harm and it is far worse then what I did as a child. I take a hammer and hit a specific part of my body over and over. Recently I did it to my back and when my husband seen it he rushed me to the ER which I had to lie. I told them I had fallen. The bruises were black in some places and the swelling was even worse. But even through all that pain I felt like I deserved it. I haven't told anyone for fear of being judged, shamed, locked away. I only self harm myself. I can't even swat my kids behind and have never and never will because of my dad beating me. As I would never want my children to ever feel what I did so I am the push over, but that's okay.
I think my pain is my own and that I should keep it to myself. I would never want anyone to have to hold this burden ot feel sorry for me. So my husband doesn't even know.
The reason why I am here is because I had to tell someone even if it is anomosis.
Sorry for the rambling....

 

[XmasCarol52]

When I read your posts I had tears in my eyes.You know what I was told the exact same thing I would never amount to anything and of course I am useless.and this is the big one that nobody will ever love me.My own mother said I was ugly and stupid.I am sadden because you feel the need to harm yourself,i just want you to know I am here for you and if you need to talk don't ever be afraid to talk to me.This forum is my second family.You will love it here.I never inflicted harm on myself but that doesn't mean that I haven't thought about it because to be honest I have thought of stabbing myself or just hanging myself but I am to afraid to die.Oh by the way welcome.I have anxieties,panic attacks,depression,bipolar,and a mood disorder on top of that I am also an agoraphobic.I am sending you a hug in hopes that it helps some.I am not here to judge just to listen and help if I can.I dont know about you but I am a very sensitive and insecure person.I always think that people are laughing at me or just making fun of me..

 

[Concernedgal]

First of all there is no such thing as rambling here..and second... I think that no matter what you say about not loving yourself ... your wrong... you do because your here. I feel your pain . My father a drunk he would come home after cheating on my mom again.. wake us up... and beat us for the hell of it. But, after years of living this way ... I learned something, something I wish you would learn. Although you've gone through a lot in your life... this is the life that God gave you. You were born in his image ,if that doesn't make you beautiful. .. what does? What i'my hearing is that your angry. But, for some reason it's at yourself when it shouldn't be. When will you stop giving the people in your past power against you? YOU ARE LETTING THEM WIN. Dont you understand that? These are bad people but, you've have grown up and you have your own life now. It's up to you with what to do with it. Your married to what sounds like a good man and you have beautiful children and you said that you would never harm them so.. how come you love them enough to not harm them but, you want to harm yourself? I believe that you should continue to go to therepy and try to figure this out. I understand your in pain but, you must not do this to yourself anymore. Your not stupid. You are a victim of some else's self hate just like my father hated himself. End the cycle. You deserve to have your peaceful life but, it's up to you. Welcome to the forum sweetie. Please don't hesitate to talk to me or any of these good people. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have found it. welcOME sweetie.

 

[Rinka]

Hi @Eavie. I'm so happy for you that you have decided to write about your feelings and experiences. I felt the same as @XmasCarol52 and had tears in my eyes reading your post.
It was horrible what was done to you and to your cousin. No one should ever go through what you have gone through. No one has the right to make you feel that way and do those things to you.
You said that you think that your self hatred was always there, but I beg to differ. The experiences, the people and how you were treated have made you feel that way about yourself.
You are NOT worthless, you are NOT unlovable, you Do deserve happiness, you DO deserve love and being loved.
Don't give those evil people the satisfaction of having you made to hate yourself.
They don't deserve the air that they are breathing.

 

[janemariesayed]

Oh, God bless you @Eavie this is terribly sad and my heart goes out to you. You are really welcome here and it doesn't matter how much you want to talk about it. Please, please come and talk to us. Every day someone is on here and we have all had similar experiences. I was born out of incest and adopted out. But my Grandma sexually abused me along with a string of other people. My ex-wicked stepmother used to beat me all the time and constantly put me down and tell me how worthless I was.

You say you are seeing a counsellor so that pleases me. They are there on hand to help you. If you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself, call her and tell her straight away. She will talk you out of it.

It sounds like you are a lovely person so it is very sad that you have been made to think so low of yourself. I have found so much help on this forum. That is why I am still here. Even if there is a day I feel better or worse, the support I've been given on here has given me so much strength to carry on.

You are so very welcome here @Eavie and I hope you come on here and talk about all your woes. You deserve love and I will love you.

 

[Eavie]

Thank you, I was do releaved when I read your response. I have been hurt by so many. I was afraid of being made fun of or even worse rejected when I put myself out there.
I have told my counselor that I don't believe I can be helped or fixed. My memories contain the long death of my mom who died at 34 years old when I had just turned 9 from breast cancer. Her long endless battle when the cancer spread to her entire body. Then when she died is when my daddy started drinking and beating us. He attempted suicide and me and my brother found him I thought he was dead like my mom. My entire life is nothing but death, neglect, abuse of all kinds, hunger etc.
But I oly came on here because I had to tell someone anyone without being looked like a crazy person or fear of being locked up in an asylum.
But I don't think I will ever be healed completely and I told my counselor to not feel bad because I have accepted it. And I don't want to share these thoughts with my family because they shouldn't have to carry the burden that I have to. But the fealings of wanting to hurt myself have become overwhelming that I have given in.
I have 2 siblings my older sister is a recovering addict. She lost it after her husband stabbed another man to death and ended up in prison. She's been clean for 2 years. My little brother is a closet alcoholic and drug user and dealer. I used to be his protector from daddy when we we little and I can't protect him now.
But I wanted to say I appreciate your response I was really afraid putting myself out there.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Thank you, I was do releaved when I read your response. I have been hurt by so many. I was afraid of being made fun of or even worse rejected when I put myself out there.
I have told my counselor that I don't believe I can be helped or fixed. My memories contain the long death of my mom who died at 34 years old when I had just turned 9 from breast cancer. Her long endless battle when the cancer spread to her entire body. Then when she died is when my daddy started drinking and beating us. He attempted suicide and me and my brother found him I thought he was dead like my mom. My entire life is nothing but death, neglect, abuse of all kinds, hunger etc.
But I oly came on here because I had to tell someone anyone without being looked like a crazy person or fear of being locked up in an asylum.
But I don't think I will ever be healed completely and I told my counselor to not feel bad because I have accepted it. And I don't want to share these thoughts with my family because they shouldn't have to carry the burden that I have to. But the fealings of wanting to hurt myself have become overwhelming that I have given in.
I have 2 siblings my older sister is a recovering addict. She lost it after her husband stabbed another man to death and ended up in prison. She's been clean for 2 years. My little brother is a closet alcoholic and drug user and dealer. I used to be his protector from daddy when we we little and I can't protect him now.
But I wanted to say I appreciate your response I was really afraid putting myself out there.

Please don't ever be afraid to talk here we are close and are family here ,I see we just added another member to our family you.I know the feeling of being made fun of I actually had people laugh and make fun of me.I know it isnt very nice .I certainly would not do that to anyone,some people just can be so darn rude.Please take care of yourself,we all want to be your friend.

 

[Rinka]

@Eavie you are in a safe place here.
We all have helped to create an environment of support and openness. A safe haven against judgements about ourselves.
I hope you will find your place here and be sure that you will never be made fun of or judged.
We are here to share and care.
We laugh with each other but not about each other.

 

[Concernedgal]

Thank you, I was do releaved when I read your response. I have been hurt by so many. I was afraid of being made fun of or even worse rejected when I put myself out there.
I have told my counselor that I don't believe I can be helped or fixed. My memories contain the long death of my mom who died at 34 years old when I had just turned 9 from breast cancer. Her long endless battle when the cancer spread to her entire body. Then when she died is when my daddy started drinking and beating us. He attempted suicide and me and my brother found him I thought he was dead like my mom. My entire life is nothing but death, neglect, abuse of all kinds, hunger etc.
But I oly came on here because I had to tell someone anyone without being looked like a crazy person or fear of being locked up in an asylum.
But I don't think I will ever be healed completely and I told my counselor to not feel bad because I have accepted it. And I don't want to share these thoughts with my family because they shouldn't have to carry the burden that I have to. But the fealings of wanting to hurt myself have become overwhelming that I have given in.
I have 2 siblings my older sister is a recovering addict. She lost it after her husband stabbed another man to death and ended up in prison. She's been clean for 2 years. My little brother is a closet alcoholic and drug user and dealer. I used to be his protector from daddy when we we little and I can't protect him now.
But I wanted to say I appreciate your response I was really afraid putting myself out there.

I feel your pain when it comes to having addict siblings. Heroin is there drug of choice. In fact my brother is HIV positive. And my sister might be because she shared needles with my brother and she prostitutedid her body for drugs. They both have children and it's a tragedy because they are such great kids and they simply refuse to be a part of there lives. Anyways . Your in a safe place. Never be afraid to say what's on your mind...i'm not.. lol. You should read some of my stuff on here. Lol.

 

[Eavie]

I feel your pain when it comes to having addict siblings. Heroin is there drug of choice. In fact my brother is HIV positive. And my sister might be because she shared needles with my brother and she prostitutedid her body for drugs. They both have children and it's a tragedy because they are such great kids and they simply refuse to be a part of there lives. Anyways . Your in a safe place. Never be afraid to say what's on your mind...i'm not.. lol. You should read some of my stuff on here. Lol.

I'm so sorry. It seems like this world is full of so much ugliness. And when you think of your siblings when you were younger you never could of imagined how things turned out.
I was my little brother's protector. Before he started using I would get high with him. That was probably 20 years ago and he still blames me for his drug addiction. I don't know how he functions daily because he drinks and gets high everyday and still can go to work.
But I cannot imagine your pain. I'm so sorry.

 

[Concernedgal]

That's ok. Thank you. I suppose in a way... as weird as it sounds... I have made peace with it. Is that weird?

 

[Eavie]

That's ok. Thank you. I suppose in a way... as weird as it sounds... I have made peace with it. Is that weird?

No it's not weird. It's actually healthy. I wish I could be able to accept it, but I feel like a fixer and a controller and since I can't fix myself I try to fix others and make others happy. I don't ever want anyone to have to know what I'm feeling or what thoughts are running through my head because I don't want to burden anyone. I am different in the way I think and do things. I stand out and I hate it. I am introverted on a severe way. My mind runs on and on sometimes it prevents me from sleeping. I have flash backs of the things that happen when I was little. The way my uncle sounded when he breathed. But I'm a good faker and can appear to the outside perfect but on the inside I feel darkness. I sometimes find myself wanting to slam my head in the wall or just scream because of the insanity around me. But I don't.
I look forward to reading your post.

 

[Concernedgal]

That's what people like us are good at... hiding and pretending for others. You try to live your life and ignore feeling gs that are deep within but, one day i'm scared that's going to come out all at once and I think that I will probably commit suicide. I mean . How much **** does a human being have to take in this life? All the beating and mental abuse as a child has destroyed any chance of me having even a small shred of self esteem. I take all my negative feelings and stuff it so far down ... that I don't think I can take it much longer. I'mean so afraid of other people mentally abusing me that I try so hard and go above and beyond to keep others happy and satified. A little secret.... I haven't had sex with my husband for 3 years and have no desire to do so. I think my resentment is finally starting to come to surface. I can't have children anyway so... why bother. It's not like I have the ability to be emotionally available for him anyway so again... why bother? There's a song that's out there that reminds me of how we feel everyday. It goes like this ( my life of being hurt, I seND the pain below much like suffocating, I send the pain below.) That's by a rock band by chevel. Please use caution though if you listen to it. Last time I did. I broke a bunch of ****. I though a fit. That song just explain's my life and how I feel everyday. Is it kinda weird I rambled about a song?

 

[janemariesayed]

This is one place, albeit cyber - splace, you will never, ever be made fun of. It is true that non-sufferers don't always understand. Some of them are selfish and cruel and are nasty to us. Don't let those type of people get to you, they are not worth it.

You are going through therapy which is brilliant. Brilliant because it may lead to healing or a way of coping. There are some people who don't even recognise there is a problem and all they do is take it out on others.

 

[XmasCarol52]

I also do that hide what I am really feeling sick because I do not want to be made fun of.It is hard to smile when u r hurting inside or are having a panic attack.Sometime I just wish to be alone that way no one can see how bad I really am.

 

[Concernedgal]

I can definitely relate to that. A lot of people don't want to be alone however. . I love it. Sometimes I think k I would be happier if I never got married and lived alone. Alone is comfortable to me. Alone is what gives me comfort. Alone.. isn't lonely to me. You know what i'm saying?

 

[janemariesayed]

I can definitely relate to that. A lot of people don't want to be alone however. . I love it. Sometimes I think k I would be happier if I never got married and lived alone. Alone is comfortable to me. Alone is what gives me comfort. Alone.. isn't lonely to me. You know what i'm saying?

I love my own space as well. As long as my two dogs are beside me I'm okay. Right now they have had their breakfast and have gone back to bed while I'm on the PC. In an hour they will wake up and start playing together. They may ask to go outside in the garden or they may just run up and downstairs. They have a life that doesn't involve me as well. There are things to look at outside the window and if it's really something then I'll be told that some thing is really there. I'll be told to go and have a look and check it out. I've never met a man who loves my dogs the way I do.

My dogs come first and they never let me feel as though I am alone. Yet both my husbands made me feel terribly lonely and sad.

 

[Concernedgal]

I can relate.

 

[XmasCarol52]

I wish that I could see my two grandchildren I long to give them both a big hug.Kids have a way of making you feel better when your are sick,- depressed or anxious,I love kids,there is this cute little boy who walks with his mother to the bus stop every morning he is three and he always says hello to me and waves to he is such a smart little boy.I wish I could give him a big hug.Kids always seem to love me.To bad we cannot bottle kids cause they would certainly help with our anxieties.It just breaks my heart when I see kids with cancer or disabled.I see this all the time on tv.If I had a million bucks I would donate it to all the sick children in the world.I only hope that my grandchildren never get depressed or anxious.

 

[janemariesayed]

This morning I had a flashback which resulted in a panic attack. It took my dogs literally about 5 seconds to get to me. Loopy even ran so fast that she banged her nose on the chair behind me which then sent her into a sneezing frenzy. Both of them came running to see if their master was okay. That made me feel really loved and valued. I wish I had had children but it never happened for me. It is a feeling I've disassociated myself with and it's coming out in other ways. But, I am happy with my two dogs. We have become a real little family. The only problem is that they don't live long enough.