I feel guilty about not giving into my compulsions

[The Horrendous Hexapod]

I've been feeling guilty for the past two days over a decision I made and I need help. Over the past couple of months, I promised myself not to give in to my anxieties and look up the things that worry me (namely articles about things like human nature, IQ, morality, etc) and for the most part, it actually worked. I would occasionally look up an article sometimes or have some worrying thoughts, but for the most part, I was okay and was beginning to feel significantly better.

And then one week before I officially went back to Uni, I broke my promise. I don't understand why, but one day my conviction snapped and I looked up another worrying article, which then pulled me back pretty deep into a rabbit hole. Even as I began to pull myself out, the thing inside me that snapped broke even further, and in another moment of weakness three weeks later, I looked up yet another worrying article about IQ and how certain groups of people were dumber than others.

For the past couple of weeks, I have just felt awful mentally. Every time I forget about something, I remember another and it begins to wear away at me as the weeks go on. This all came to a tipping point the other night, when I made the stupid decision to look up one of these worrying websites again to check that there were no posts specific to what I was obsessing over at the time, and, lo and behold, it sent me down another rabbit hole, specifically involving topics about LGBT people this time. While most people would just dismiss it as garbage, what got me worried was the author's use of science to justify their stances and the fact that they were apparently a scientist themselves. From what I read, even though I don't fully understand a lot of things in the field of psychology and couldn't address some of the points he made, some of the points that I could sort of understand had me skeptical, although a part of me thinks that this is just because I don't know a lot about psychology and statistics they use.

As I was logging out of this website, however, a thought occurred to me that the author probably wrote more about other specific topics that I had previously worried about in the past that I had previously spent hours of my time obsessively researching, but instead of giving in and going back I just went to sleep.

For the past two days, this feeling of guilt at not giving in to the voice in my head has been eating away at me, but I just don't want to go back to the website. Part of me thinks that it's because the author used science to severely criticize beliefs that I previously held, and that if I go back, I'll have to face the truth, but also that the reason I'm not going back to the website is that I'm afraid of reality and that I'm just being willfully ignorant. Even while I'm typing this, the little voice in my head is telling me that I'm pathetic and only writing this to get others to validate my desire not to do it and live in ignorance.

On the other hand, I know that if I go back to the website and read more, not only will I just work myself up and get worried again, taking hours to possibly weeks to make me calm down and forget about what I could read, but assuming that I find posts about these topics (which part of me thinks that I will) I could undo all of the progress that I have made over the past few months and set myself back severely.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Am I just destined to do this? I really want to just move on and forget about this, but the guilt keeps pulling me back.

 

[Jonathan123]

I've been feeling guilty for the past two days over a decision I made and I need help. Over the past couple of months, I promised myself not to give in to my anxieties and look up the things that worry me (namely articles about things like human nature, IQ, morality, etc) and for the most part, it actually worked. I would occasionally look up an article sometimes or have some worrying thoughts, but for the most part, I was okay and was beginning to feel significantly better.

And then one week before I officially went back to Uni, I broke my promise. I don't understand why, but one day my conviction snapped and I looked up another worrying article, which then pulled me back pretty deep into a rabbit hole. Even as I began to pull myself out, the thing inside me that snapped broke even further, and in another moment of weakness three weeks later, I looked up yet another worrying article about IQ and how certain groups of people were dumber than others.

For the past couple of weeks, I have just felt awful mentally. Every time I forget about something, I remember another and it begins to wear away at me as the weeks go on. This all came to a tipping point the other night, when I made the stupid decision to look up one of these worrying websites again to check that there were no posts specific to what I was obsessing over at the time, and, lo and behold, it sent me down another rabbit hole, specifically involving topics about LGBT people this time. While most people would just dismiss it as garbage, what got me worried was the author's use of science to justify their stances and the fact that they were apparently a scientist themselves. From what I read, even though I don't fully understand a lot of things in the field of psychology and couldn't address some of the points he made, some of the points that I could sort of understand had me skeptical, although a part of me thinks that this is just because I don't know a lot about psychology and statistics they use.

As I was logging out of this website, however, a thought occurred to me that the author probably wrote more about other specific topics that I had previously worried about in the past that I had previously spent hours of my time obsessively researching, but instead of giving in and going back I just went to sleep.

For the past two days, this feeling of guilt at not giving in to the voice in my head has been eating away at me, but I just don't want to go back to the website. Part of me thinks that it's because the author used science to severely criticize beliefs that I previously held, and that if I go back, I'll have to face the truth, but also that the reason I'm not going back to the website is that I'm afraid of reality and that I'm just being willfully ignorant. Even while I'm typing this, the little voice in my head is telling me that I'm pathetic and only writing this to get others to validate my desire not to do it and live in ignorance.

On the other hand, I know that if I go back to the website and read more, not only will I just work myself up and get worried again, taking hours to possibly weeks to make me calm down and forget about what I could read, but assuming that I find posts about these topics (which part of me thinks that I will) I could undo all of the progress that I have made over the past few months and set myself back severely.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Am I just destined to do this? I really want to just move on and forget about this, but the guilt keeps pulling me back.

Hi. And welcome. Opinions are just that, opinions, and can have no validity unless we associate with them. Everyone has an opinion on something, and we must be very careful in anxiety what we read and take in. Would you knowingly take a poisonous substance into your body? But we do it all the time in our minds in anxiety. We are so vulnerable to suggestion, which can be likened to a poison. Now why would you feel guilt? Guilt comes about because we either have not done something we should have, or neglected some one or some thing that has caused problems to others. What have you done that could have caused that? Nothing! You feel guilt because you are entertaining the belief that if you don't go back to the website something will happen. If you take in every negative thing you come across in anxiety then the rabbit hole gets deeper. No matter how learned a person may be or sound, it is still an opinion, whether it be backed by science or not. Opinions are not facts. Facts are indisputable happenings. The sun will rise in the morning. Fact! There can be no argument about that. I suggest you keep well away from such sites, at least until you can look at them dispassionately. The world is full of so called experts who have various opinions, most of which are invalid. We have all had that little voice in the head telling us negative things. 'We will never get well'. 'We are doomed to suffer like this forever'. Rubbish!! That little voice needs to be silenced by positive thinking

 

[Clara1978]

Hello The Horrendous Hexapod,

It sounds like you're going through a difficult time right now, and I'm sorry to hear that. It's great that you've been working to reduce your anxiety and worry by avoiding articles and topics that trigger them. However, I can understand how it can be challenging to resist the urge to look things up when you're feeling anxious.

It's important to remember that not everything you read on the internet is true or accurate, and even if someone is using science to back up their claims, it doesn't necessarily mean they're correct. It's important to take a critical look at the sources and evidence being presented and not just accept everything at face value.

Guilt can be a tough emotion to deal with, but it's important to remember that you haven't done anything wrong. It's okay to have moments of weakness and slip-ups, and it's important to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up over it.

It's great that you recognize the potential negative consequences of going back to those websites and obsessively researching those topics. If you feel like you need additional support, it might be helpful to reach out to a therapist or mental health professional who can help you develop coping strategies and work through your anxiety and worries.

Take care.