I did something pretty bad unkowingkt and i hate mysekf for it

[destubggfgff]

So me and my bsf sometimes got drunk and did sruff, I knew she didn't have feelings for me, let me just say I did not fully understand the concept of consent fully, I thought of consent as if you say yes then that's consent of no then no, so whilst having feelings for her we did things, I didn't realise I was violating her consent by not telling her I really didn't want to do that I never ever wanted to hurt her like that, I've only just started understanding the concept of.consent but I shouldve known, she stopped being my friend I miss her sm I'm really not doing good rn I'm definitely making it about myself, I feel so disgusting
Since 16 I've had ocd about paedophiles and sexual assault and things similar, like intrusive thoughts and what not, I've always freaked out about it about being scared of ever being that, i feel so intensely guilty, I hurt her so badly

 

[PieFan]

I thought of consent as if you say yes then that's consent of no then no,

That's exactly what consent is. You did not violate her consent by not reciprocating her emotions, even if you could have been more tactful if you told her you found it disgusting or regret it, but as you have found it's best not to have sexual relationships with friends so as not to spoil the friendship.

All you can do is apologize and move on.

 

[Cuchculan]

At times, if drunk, people can't exactly give consent, because they are drunk. Obviously she didn't want to go down that road with you. She trusted you. No idea what you done exactly. But not something she wanted done. You can say sorry. Don't be surprised if she is pissed off about it all. Thinking you took advantage of her when she was drunk.

 

[destubggfgff]

When we where drunk we both initiated things, I never got her drunk to have sex with her, I usually just thought If we get drunk and she wants to do that again then sure, if that is taking advantage of her than I will apologise and if shes upset then I understand and will let her be I'll just let her know I never meant to hurt her in any way

 

[Cuchculan]

Ask yourself this, if the girl was sober, would she have consented to you doing anything to her?

 

[PieFan]

I disagree @Cuchculan Two consenting adults is what we have here.

No, you didn't take advantage of anyone @destubggfgff but you don't want a romantic relationship with her you want to be friends but still had sex. Presumably she thought that meant more. Especially if you have some hangups and told her about them, feeling disgusted etc. Don't have sex with your friends. It triggers deep emotions and messes up friendship. Save sex for someone special you're ready to invest in is what I'd do. But a lot of people have casual sex too, I just don't think sex is a very casual thing really, people's emotions get confused, it's a very spiritual activity.

 

[Cuchculan]

Did she give her consent when drunk? And would she give that same consent when sober? People do all sorts when drunk. Things they would never do when sober. I am sure we have all had good friends we got drunk with. If my case female friends. I know there would be zero interest when sober. So I don't even try anything if they are drunk.

 

[PieFan]

Did she give her consent when drunk? And would she give that same consent when sober?

It's two consenting adults. Ill-advised maybe, but neither has any more responsibility than the other, and concepts such as 'taking advantage of' and 'try something' are inapplicable here, particularly as both adults repeated the drinking and the sex. A man is no more responsible than a woman for a sexual encounter in this situation. We have equality now.

Hope you are okay @destubggfgff