How do you handle grief?

[DDNatureLover]

I lost someone very close to me last week. This is the first time I've actually been able to write about it, because I've been very labile when I think of him or the subject. We weren't sure at first if it was suicide, but that seems to have been ruled out. I am going through a very stressful period already, and I'm having even more difficulty than usual with handling the loss. I am trying not to dwell on it too much, although that's difficult, since others want to discuss the matter, and of course there were arrangements to make. I am a good rock for others when they lose someone, but I'm not at all good with handling my own grief. One thing that helped me today was to focus on other things for a bit, such as yard work and interacting with others outside of my group, who aren't aware of the situation.


What works for you? How do you handle grief?

 

[lexinonomous]

My grief is handled with a heavy dose of sobbing. When I am dealing with a death in the family, I will cry for hours and it's always uncontrollable. I lose my self control when dealing with grief. I would take a case of depression over what I feel when dealing with grief. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is music. I really enjoy listening to music and letting go of my thoughts for a short period of time. It will work for a few minutes, but I always come back to uncontrollable sobbing.


It helps to be surrounded by people that are dealing with the same feelings. It helps to see others struggling with the same issues you're struggling with. I feel like seeing other people dealing with the same feelings gives me a sense of normalcy. It makes me realize that my feelings are normal.

 

[Surrender]

I wish I knew how to handle grief. I really don't know how, the only thing that kind of helped me is the passage of time. I have been in a state of grief for years and years after a death, even decades later I can still break down thinking about it. Looking back I suppose the best thing is to keep interacting with others. I didn't do that and became very reclusive instead, which compounded everything and probably made everything much worse.

 

[mauricioq]

It's a really hard thing to do actually, and I've never been in a situation like yours, but when I'm felling really low, my solution is to keep my mind occupied. Like, go make something that you enjoy, even if you're not feeling like it, just do it. Go see a movie, listen to movie, just don't think too much about the problem...

 

[Alex]

I'm more of a listener for people who wish to talk about things or of they don't want to when they lose someone. I don't think there is a perfect or even right way to deal with things or to cope. Each person reacts differently ad often it is delayed, but when a funeral occurs then people are forced to talk about it. People want to talk so that they don't forget the person and when it's a sudden death it's more of the shock.


I haven't lost many people close to me, but I'm also very pragmatic about the concept of death. The last person close to me who died was dying from cancer and so we all knew it was a matter of time, but I still cried because I never got to say goodbye, but neither did her sons. I ended up being like a big sister to them so they could talk to me as I was still one of the last people to see her alive.

 

[Aree Wongwanlee]

How do I handle grief? I just keep quiet. And let the tears flow until they are all finished. I believe that tears do wash away some of the hurt. Yes, I am a man, but I don't think it's a shameful thing for a man to cry. Why should only children and women be allowed to cry? So I let go and let the tears flow. At times like these, words do not suffice.

 

[janemariesayed]

I cry my heart out if I am suffering from grief. Or should I say when I am suffering from grief. I took it for your comment to mean when someone close has died, but there are many reasons we can feel grief. The type of grief that you are talking about it bereavement which is an awful feeling to behold. It is awful because the thought is in your mind that you will never see that person ever again which makes us very sad. They say that time is a big healer, but really the truth is that in time you will just grow to live with it. You will think about that person less and less as the years go by and end up not feeling so emotional when they do come to mind. I think it would help to remember people who have passed on, wish them well and raise a glass to them. Remember them fondly and if at first you want to cry, then cry as much as you need to. Crying is a natural thing that our bodies do when we are feeling upset. It proves a connection between body and mind, so let your body heal you and cry.

 

[Sue]

Grief is different for everybody. It takes time. You never really get over it but you learn to deal with it and move forward as difficult as it is. I lost both my parents and so many loved one. The loss of my parents was my greatest loss. They are in my hearts forever even though they are no longer here. Hang on to the wonderful memories and don't hold back the tears. You need to let the emotions out. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing somebody is never easy. We are here for you whenever you need to talk.

 

[misszerable]

When my father died two years ago, I was devastated. He had been sick for a while of cancer and it has metastasized to other parts of his body but we still hoped he would be around longer. Sadly, he died while he was in the US where he had been working for the past 10 years away from his immediately family. It was hard not to have been able to talk to him while he was in his deathbed because in the last two weeks of his life, the cancer has spread to his brain and he had to be operated on and placed on life support. It was hard because my mother died so early and he had been our only parent for the past 25 years. I wasn't able to handle the situation. I thought it was unfair that my father didn't enjoy the retirement he craved for. He was a responsible, hardworking, and selfless father and he deserved to enjoy the last years of his life in blissful retirement. It was so painful that I could not work and had to quit my job. I drowned in my own grief that I didn't realize that my own sister who has congenital heart disease was also grieving. She also couldn't cope with the situation and she died 5 months after my father died. My depression got worse. This time, I had guilt feelings on top of my grief. Where was I when my sister needed me? Those were thoughts that consumed me. Until now, I haven't gone back to a regular job and I just want to spend my days at home with my son. I'm doing things that my father would have done had he been able to retire as he planned. That is my way of coping with my grief. One of these days, I know I'll snap out of it, but right now, that's what I want to do.

 

[GrubbyRose]

I pray for the people that I have lost. It gives me the feeling that I am doing something for them, and helps with my grief. It is not ideal for everyone, but it helps me. I lost my dad several years ago, and not one single day has gone by that I did not say at least one prayer for him. I also cried a lot the first few months. Several times a year, I also drive around to the graves of my family members, and clean up their plots, put out fresh flowers, clean the monuments, and rake up any leaves that have fallen on the grave. A day of doing this is like therapy for me.

 

[kelden]

Time is the only effective way I know to mend a loved one's lost grief. I tried many things, but nostalgia and melancholy only makes it worse when the departure is recent. Just be with your grief until time lessens weight, or do any activity that helps you to cope with it. Grief goes on across stages until you reach the point of acceptance.

 

[Panic57]

I will cry initially to get the first layer of grief off my chest. But the deeper seeded grief I usually bury into the deepest pocket of my soul because it never seems to go away anyways. I don't deal with grief well because I don't really thing that time heals the loss of the people closest to you. When I need to, I'll wallow for a hour or a day and let myself feel sad and then I shove it back into it's box and move on. I just realized that the older I get the more people I'll start to lose and while that is tragic it's part of life.

 

[Dybbuk Jones]

There are several religions that have mourning rituals. You have to sit on the floor, cover the mirrors, say a prayer every day. I think I like these rituals because they make sense and they help to externalize what I am feeling inside. I haven't had major losses since my grandmother but I worry all the time.

 

[Lucky120]

Well, I am not the one to be asked, I would be asking this question too. I mean it has been six years since my sister passed and she was like 14 years old. She had Autoimmune Hepatitis which messed with her liver and everything else basically. Umm, I am still in grief when I think about her I cry and her Anniversary is coming up this month, so September is not a great month for me and neither is October because that is when her birthday is. She was my middle sister and I still go into grief because I had my son around the same time so I really couldn't grieve like i wanted too. I have learned to keep my mind on the happiest times that I had with her but it seems to take me back to crying. I write books and poems now so I try to stay busy or doing something but she will always be there in my mind so I am learning to cope. I now get Chronic Migraines and I can't cope with those either so when I think all is lost I think of her because she was a fighter. Truth is you have to see what works for you because everything that everyone tried to help me with didn't work so I am now learning to pray more and I don't know if this is healthy but I have a journal where I write to her just to let her know how i am doing. She will always be watching and listening. Your friend will be doing the same for you too. Just like we talk to God sit down and talk to him. Sometimes I actually dream about her and we are always in our old house or walking the streets where we live and we just talk, I like having those becasue I know that either way I can talk to her no matter where she is. Your friend he will come to you too and you may not be sleep, you may be writing or just siting at home. Again I don't know if this is healthy but I am very close to God and he talks to me so I talk to him too. I treat it the same. One day we may think about them and just smile. I am tearing up as I write this now because I know how hard it is and I am sure others here know as well. Good luck hun and I wish you the best.

 

[Ashley0323]

First, remember everyone griefs differently. For me, when I grieve, it usually consists of a good sobby cry, I also typically want to sleep days away, and I sleep as much as I can within a week or so. Depending on the situation, I could become depressed feeling, emotional, for months.

 

[sidney]

I lost my mom pretty early in life, like when I was a teen. I remember just being sad for a time then it faded away since I was also busy in school. There were phases that I became sad and down, so I allowed myself to be carried away in that emotion, but don't despair if that's how you feel, since it's just an emotion and it will come to pass.

 

[DesmondX]

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that life brightens for you soon!


I'm not good at handling loss or change. I find it impossible to distract myself and end up wallowing in the pain longer than I should. The only thing that has ever helped me is surrounding myself with family and friends that truly care and understand what I'm going through. If it weren't for support from them, I don't know how I would handle things like this.

 

[clair02]

There is never an easy way to cope with the loss of a loved one. And what may help one person to cope might not work for another. What I have found in dealing with such issues is that it helps to try to find at least a feeling of relief from where you are. For instance, try to find a thought that will make you feel even the tiniest bit better even in the midst of all that grief. That could be a thought like : "I know she's gone to a better place now" or "I'm really grateful that I got to spend so much time with her before she passed" or " I'm grateful that she is not in pain anymore" These thoughts might not seem like they could change your mood a lot, but if you continue to try your best to find thoughts that move you in the direction of feeling better, eventually you will find that you can start to see the situation from a completely different viewpoint. One of gratitude, instead of grief.

 

[jennywren]

There is no uniform answer for everyone. Everyone handles grief differently. Some only grieve for weeks some grieve forever.


What I can tell you is not to let anyone tell you how to grieve or when you should be, "Over it."


Your grief is yours not theirs and you will grieve as long as YOU need to.

 

[rz3300a]

There are several religions that have mourning rituals. You have to sit on the floor' date=' cover the mirrors, say a prayer every day. I think I like these rituals because they make sense and they help to externalize what I am feeling inside. I haven't had major losses since my grandmother but I worry all the time. [/quote']
Well that is interesting. I knew that religion was probably a good thing to turn to when it comes to dealing with grief, but I had never heard of the whole covering the mirrors and the exact rituals that come along with some of them.. That is pretty intriguing though, and I really want to learn a little more there, and it does kind of make me think that my religion is a little bit boring, but I guess that is a me issue.