How can I be myself without anxiety ruining it? (Feel free to share your current struggles/experiences)

[axelxiii]

I have known one of my best friends for 2 years now. We met online, and eventually began to communicate through Skype calls. Problem is, I get panicky and have anxiety before, during, and after these calls. It is not my friend's fault at all -- they are incredibly nice, supportive, and super...well, cool. And I'm anything but cool. So I feel unworthy, but this friend always reassures me that they enjoy talking to me.

Anyhow. During these calls, because I am so anxious, I am not true to myself at all. I inwardly panic when there is a pause in conversation and feel like I have to immediately fill it. I fidget with my sleeve, or anything within reach. I smile way too much, and talk quickly, sometimes saying either too much or too little. I act upbeat and happy, even acting like a ditz just to get laughs sometimes. In reality, I'm not like that at all. I'm pretty reserved, and I'm not bubbly. I'm funny, but it's more of a sarcastic, well timed kind of humor.

I'm not saying I'm being entirely fake when I speak with this friend. I am genuinely happy to talk with them, and I look up to them. They make me feel really special, and cared about. I am just so terrified of losing them, or their respect, so I try to take on this persona that they seem to like. But I have to admit, I'm tired of not being true to myself. And I have no one but myself to blame.

I apologize if this is a ramble. I just don't know what to so. Before we talk, I try to give myself a pep talk...like 'just be yourself. you don't have to act, just be you.' but it never works. I get so nervous, I fall into "character" and start acting in a way I wouldn't normally.

Any advice, or thoughts, would be most welcome and appreciated.

Edit: I don't want this thread to be just about me, so if you or anyone else reading this wishes to share their experiences/struggles, feel free. Maybe we can help each other, or learn from our experiences.

 

[JCP]

Well your not alone there I get the exact same thing, in real life too. This is just how social anxiety is. And that’s why your overthinking about it after, as well, it’s all part of the same disorder you have. Don’t underestimate SA, it is a bitch and can’t just be fixed quickly. It’s a really terrible illness to have.

I wish I could help you, all I can say is drinking alcohol helps me feel confident. And care free. Not a long term solution though, obviously.

Do you feel socially anxious outside of Skype as well?

 

[axelxiii]

Well your not alone there I get the exact same thing, in real life too. This is just how social anxiety is. And that’s why your overthinking about it after, as well, it’s all part of the same disorder you have. Don’t underestimate SA, it is a bitch and can’t just be fixed quickly. It’s a really terrible illness to have.

I wish I could help you, all I can say is drinking alcohol helps me feel confident. And care free. Not a long term solution though, obviously.

Do you feel socially anxious outside of online chat as well?

Thank you for your response. I am sorry that you can relate, it definitely is something difficult to live with.
You have helped by reaching out, and I appreciate it. I have heard alcohol can have a calming effect, though I fear I would become too dependent upon it, so I haven't tried it. But I'm glad that it can help you in that way, and that you acknowledge it isn't a long term fix. I wish there was a way I could help you, too. If you don't mind my asking, do you have any family/friends you feel comfortable enough with so that anxiety doesn't become an issue?

I definitely feel socially anxious outside of online chat. Aside from...five people, who I know super well, and feel calm enough around to act normally. Or at least, what's normal for me, haha. But when I'm around people I'm not familiar with, or feel inferior to, I get so anxious, I become very hyper, so in my panic I use that energy in a way to get people to like me. I did the same thing in college -- took on the talkative, bubbly, 'class clown' sort of role. It seemed to work, so I continued at it. But I'm tired of doing that. Not only is it draining afterwards, but I feel like I'm being fake, or deceiving people somehow. Especially this friend. I just want to be myself with them, but the anxiety makes that nearly impossible.

 

[JCP]

Oh my gosh you sound just like me lol. I can relate a lot. It can be tiresome always trying to please others all the time, can’t it? One thing with about SA is it makes you want to please everybody and be everyone’s best friend. I hate that

I understand why you don’t want to try alcohol, I already feel myself being quite dependent on it, it’s quite scary

Do you take any medication?

 

[YellowRose]

I can also relate to this very well! I am a people pleaser and have hidden behind my fake self for most of my life. I rarely have had friends because of this. I think most people see that we are being unauthentic and keep their distance which sucks because all I want is to make friends and be halfway normal. For the longest time I kept thinking I needed to be myself and did a lot of the same things. "Oh, just be yourself! Easy!" Ha! Not even close. I had faked it so long, I had no idea who I was if I even tried "being myself". Being myself at the time meant letting the whole world see this "perfect", people pleasing, doormat who was so desperate to make friends, she would bend over backward for an acquaintance.

The good news is, I finally made a break through and it has nothing to do with alcohol. I read somewhere that to be more authentic, you should do one thing a day that expresses or reflects your real feelings. If you don't feel like smiling, don't. If you want to share something with a friend but it's scary because it makes you feel like your putting yourself out there, push through and share it. Take the leap. Your friend will love you for it. If you feel the urge to fill a lull in the conversation, hold back just for a few seconds longer. I have started doing this and I feel more comfortable since I started. The thing I can't kick yet is that stupid uncomfortable laugh after a sentence.

Another to try is get to know yourself. You can't be truly authentic when you don't know who you are. I started with the Myers-Briggs personality test and man, has it really explained some of my quirks that I thought were my own weaknesses to be fixed. I feel better about them now, knowing there are others with the same quirks.

I hope this helps! I have more suggestions if you need them. Seriously, I have been at this social anxiety game for 30 some years and only recently have I stumbled on helpful things!

 

[axelxiii]

Oh my gosh you sound just like me lol. I can relate a lot. It can be tiresome always trying to please others all the time, can’t it? One thing with about SA is it makes you want to please everybody and be everyone’s best friend. I hate that

I understand why you don’t want to try alcohol, I already feel myself being quite dependent on it, it’s quite scary

Do you take any medication?

It's very tiring, that's for sure. I wonder if actors/actresses ever feel this way.

Sorry that you feel dependent upon it. Do you have anything else that you can fall back on, to ease how much you rely on it? It's good that you're acknowledging it -- I have quite a few family members that refused to acknowledge it, until their drinking got a bit out of hand.

I don't take medication, due to concerns about addiction and side affects.

 

[axelxiii]

I can also relate to this very well! I am a people pleaser and have hidden behind my fake self for most of my life. I rarely have had friends because of this. I think most people see that we are being unauthentic and keep their distance which sucks because all I want is to make friends and be halfway normal. For the longest time I kept thinking I needed to be myself and did a lot of the same things. "Oh, just be yourself! Easy!" Ha! Not even close. I had faked it so long, I had no idea who I was if I even tried "being myself". Being myself at the time meant letting the whole world see this "perfect", people pleasing, doormat who was so desperate to make friends, she would bend over backward for an acquaintance.

The good news is, I finally made a break through and it has nothing to do with alcohol. I read somewhere that to be more authentic, you should do one thing a day that expresses or reflects your real feelings. If you don't feel like smiling, don't. If you want to share something with a friend but it's scary because it makes you feel like your putting yourself out there, push through and share it. Take the leap. Your friend will love you for it. If you feel the urge to fill a lull in the conversation, hold back just for a few seconds longer. I have started doing this and I feel more comfortable since I started. The thing I can't kick yet is that stupid uncomfortable laugh after a sentence.

Another to try is get to know yourself. You can't be truly authentic when you don't know who you are. I started with the Myers-Briggs personality test and man, has it really explained some of my quirks that I thought were my own weaknesses to be fixed. I feel better about them now, knowing there are others with the same quirks.

I hope this helps! I have more suggestions if you need them. Seriously, I have been at this social anxiety game for 30 some years and only recently have I stumbled on helpful things!

Thanks so much for your response! I'm sorry you can relate to this. I can relate to being a people pleaser -- I have such a difficult time saying no. It's awful. And people seem to catch onto that, and abuse it, so I find myself with a lot of extra commitments I don't have time or energy for. :/

I took the test you mentioned, and wow...that was crazy. It got me spot on, down to my strengths and weaknesses! Thank you so much for sharing that with me. It was enjoyable and made me think quite a bit. I think I will recommend that to a few friends of mine.

Thank you so much for the help, and advice. I spoke with my friend the other day, and I think I succeeded a little in being myself. I forced myself not to fill the pauses by rambling, and instead was quiet and listened, and also made it a point not to smile when I didn't feel like it. (Haha). I think it went well. Still not totally there yet, but it's progress.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Do you trust this person? Could you tell them when you feel awkward? Like say, I'm sorry - I am feeling anxious and it makes me uncomfortable? I think it's possible they would still accept you and want to know you even if they knew exactly what was going on. You may not be at that point yet, and that's ok, but hopefully you can be eventually and it will help ease the tension.

I don't think I AM my anxiety. I'm much more than that. But...it IS a part of me. We tend to beat ourselves up for it because we want to show people the parts we like. But I guarantee the other person has their own hangups, too - be gentle with yourself.
I'm sure you are perfectly loveable, anxiety and all.