Hi...Self-Defeated. Anyone else??

[seabelt12]

Hey all -

Definitely new to this forum.. I waited a couple of days to post my first forum because I was nervous about sharing this side of my life. I’m 23, recent college grad, and am at the beginning stages of my career. About a year and a half ago during my second to last semester of college I started having some minor anxiety symptoms, such as test anxiety. Well, the following summer, it turned into what I think is health anxiety; however, I didn’t know that at the time. I felt like I was going crazy.
Once I graduated college, I moved about 3 hours away from some family/friends to be closer to my aunt, boyfriend, and closer to the city where more job opportunities were at *note..my mom has been on drugs my entire life and my dad abandoned me when I was about 3; I was raised by my grandmother off and on until I went to college*
Anyways, some big life changes have happened within the time I first started noticing some anxiety to now, and I believe it has only exacerbated the anxiety. I’ve never been a person to “freak out” or “panic” but the past 2 months have been nothing but crying, stomach aches, panicking, and I think depersonalization. I am a Psychology major, so anxiety and depression have always fascinated me; however, after experiencing it personally with all the symptoms (lump in throat, heart palpitations, dizziness, and so on...) I am at a complete loss on what to do hence why I joined this forum.
Writing this down is a great stress relief and I try to comment on posts when I can because I went into Psychology to help others, but I’m feeling pretty self-defeated considering I can’t even help myself at this point.
Extremely sorry for the long post, but once I begin typing, my fingers don’t stop. Lol. If you are having similar experiences, leave a comment. I’d love to read/hear your all’s thoughts who understand this battle. Thanks guys.


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[Mandyhiero]

Hey seabelt! I can definitely relate to what you’re saying about feeling defeated because you can’t even help yourself. I’m of Christian faith and when I pray for other people, I have faith that everything is going to work out for them. But when I pray for God to do something for me, I struggle with faith. I think it’s kinda like the same concept here. It’s easy to comment and try to help other people and believe they’re going to be fine, but when it comes to ourselves we don’t know how to drag ourselves out of the hole our anxiety has dragged us into. Praying you start feeling better soon. And don’t be so hard on yourself. Health anxiety, or anxiety in general is the pits!

 

[seabelt12]

Mandy, I’m also of Christian faith and work for a Christian organization, so I definitely appreciate the prayers!! I’ll be praying for you as well. If you don’t mind me asking, has your health anxiety caused your stomach to go all out of whack? And is that normal/common for it to do that? My health anxiety is at an all time high right now, and I have myself convinced I have colon cancer or something of that sort. I try to stay off of google, but that doesn’t always happen...


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[Mandyhiero]

That’s awesome! Thank you so much for the prayers! I can definitely use them. I do get what I call a nervous stomach. And it’s all part of anxiety because I’ve had a colonoscopy and all is well there.
My health anxiety right now is the worst it’s ever been. I too, worry about cancer. My fear now at this present time is metastatic breast cancer. I’m convinced I have breast cancer that can’t be found through mammogram or ultrasound, and so it’s metastasized to my jaw bone. I do have tingling and numbness in my lip and chin, but I don’t know that this all started until after I googled it. Google is terrible because most of the time the symptoms you type in lead straight to cancer. I had one hour that my lower lip tingled on and off. One hour! Me being dumb, I google what that could be, and after a year of worrying about breast cancer, what pops up? That a numb chin and lip can be caused by breast cancer that has spread to the jaw, and the prognosis is really bad. Like months to live. I really think if I would have just stayed off of google, I wouldn’t be here 7 months later terrified that I’m gonna die soon. I hate google but I just can’t stop myself!

 

[seabelt12]

I’m sorry you’re going through this too!! How long have you been experiencing Health Anxiety, and have you thought about therapy? I’m thinking about calling tomorrow because I’m at a loss on what to do on my own.
Google is the absolute worst!! I don’t know why I continuously go to it when I know it makes my anxiety worse, or cause new symptoms. It’s a horrible cycle!


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[Mandyhiero]

I actually went to therapy last year. It was more of a Christian counseling type of therapy. It was really good for me but I stopped when I started feeling better. That was a big mistake. I did okay for a while but then I fell right back into my old habits that got me where I was in the first place.

My health anxiety all started when my grandmother unexpectedly passed away, a month later a family friend died suddenly, the next month my uncle died suddenly, and then two months later, my father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. After that, I fell into a major depression and fear consumed me. I jumped anytime the phone would ring and I didn’t want to answer because I was worried it would be a phone call telling me more bad news. I would call my parents every morning and wake them up to make sure they didn’t die in their sleep, I made my husband call me every morning to make sure he made it to work. I would text my brothers and make sure they were okay. It was torturous for me and everyone in my life. I keep saying I’ve suffered with it for 7 years but when I was adding it up today I realized it’s actually been 9 years. And a long 9 years it’s been. It didn’t start with health anxiety. It started with general anxiety and just continued to spiral from there. And now, here I am. There’s so much more to my story, but if I continued it would be a book. So, that’s the short version of it.

How long have you dealt with anxiety? I don’t know if you’re like me, but it took me a while to admit I had a problem with anxiety. I worked in a psychiatric ward for a couple of years so it kinda had a stigma to it and I thought people would think I was crazy, so I kept it to myself for a while. Or at least I didn’t talk about it much. Anyone close to me knew I had a major problem though. I hate to see anyone suffering with this because I know how debilitating it can be.

 

[seabelt12]

Hey Mandy!! Sorry it took so long to respond.. it has been a whirlwind the past couple of days!

I am so sorry for all of your loss! I know that had to be so devastating!!

I actually have been dealing with health anxiety on and off for the past year, but it has drastically worsened in the last 3 months!

It took me awhile to actually admit I had it to myself and to my boyfriend. He is very supportive, but I was so embarrassed by it! I honestly felt like I was going crazy and there was nothing I could do to escape it.

I went to the dr this past Wednesday and tested positive for H pylori! In fact, it can actually heighten anxiety because of the relationship with the brain/gut. I didn’t know anything about h pylori, but I 100% recommend reading on it bc it is very contagious and most people who have it live without symptoms. For me, I have experienced symptoms of it for going on 4 months!!!

I’m just thankful I’m being treated for it now. It makes me feel less crazy/helpless!!


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[NIX]

Hey, i can't really offer any advice i've never felt that way and i hope i won't, i got a bad case of social anxiety, making friends for me was always hard, everytime im in a large group of people i start to feel weak, and i get dizzy, sometimes i get confused where i am. I guess it not much related to the post but you're right, writing this down is good stress relief. I hope everything works out for you.