Here We Go, Another PA!

[janemariesayed]

An hour to go before I have to go out. I've not changed my clothes yet, I'm still in my comforting Onesie'. The thought of having to change into outdoor clothes maybe started it, I'm not sure. I've just filled out the form for my assessment today.

I started feeling dizzy! @Concernedgal there you go! Proof that the dizziness is not down to low blood sugar. Your dizziness must be down to panic attacks too! I've already had eggs and bacon this morning so I don't get low blood sugar while I'm out so it can't be because of that. And, (if you can start a sentence with 'and') I'm feeling sick all morning, and now shaky. Panic attack or what? As well, I feel breathless and having to take deep breaths and feel like I'm going to pass out.

Taking deep breaths don't seem to be working. Woooo don't bother with the drugs for a high anyone! Just get yourself a panic attack going and you're most of the way there! Not a nice feeling at all. Still, I'm going to go through this therapy, by hook or by crook I'm going to get the healing I deserve.

If this PC were real paper right now, and you could all see it as I am writing, you would see it stained with tears, can't stop bawling.

 

[Concernedgal]

An hour to go before I have to go out. I've not changed my clothes yet, I'm still in my comforting Onesie'. The thought of having to change into outdoor clothes maybe started it, I'm not sure. I've just filled out the form for my assessment today.

I started feeling dizzy! @Concernedgal there you go! Proof that the dizziness is not down to low blood sugar. Your dizziness must be down to panic attacks too! I've already had eggs and bacon this morning so I don't get low blood sugar while I'm out so it can't be because of that. And, (if you can start a sentence with 'and') I'm feeling sick all morning, and now shaky. Panic attack or what? As well, I feel breathless and having to take deep breaths and feel like I'm going to pass out.

Taking deep breaths don't seem to be working. Woooo don't bother with the drugs for a high anyone! Just get yourself a panic attack going and you're most of the way there! Not a nice feeling at all. Still, I'm going to go through this therapy, by hook or by crook I'm going to get the healing I deserve.

If this PC were real paper right now, and you could all see it as I am writing, you would see it stained with tears, can't stop bawling.

I've had anxiety issues for 15 years and the 1 thing i've learned is that anxiety is overwhelming. It's unpredictable and it takes your self assurance and self esteem away from you. And it does make you sad because you just don't get it. When a tramatic event seems to be the cause you think... haven't I suffered enough? My thing about my search for the "answer " to my anxiety issues I must admit could be a wild goose chase. The truth is. .. it kinda keeps me sane when i'm searching for the answer. I sought it's my hormones and I sought it's anything else. The plain and simple truth is... I am depressed. . Deeply depressed. When I have to go to my appointment I have a panic attack also and it is so hard to be in that car, I feel so trapped so unsafe. I truly wish I had an answer for you ,I really do but, I don't . All I can say is be brave . And try to live anyway, no matter what your brain has to say about it.

 

[Concernedgal]

I'm sitting outside hoping the fresh air will remind me that I can breathe. Because righr now ... I cant. Help me . I feel like I can't handle this anymore. Trying not to hyperventilate. Omg. It's happening!!!!! I hate panic attacks so much . I hate em . I hate em. I hate em.

 

[janemariesayed]

Oh! bless you, @Concernedgal you really seem like you are suffering right now. Take those deep breaths and try to relax. The sun is shining here today and I've just been sitting outside with the dogs. It's relaxing to watch them chase the birds and play together. They don't have any worries or concerns. Oh, how I wish I was a dog!

 

[Concernedgal]

I closed my eyes , put my hands on my chest, and took slow Deep breaths. It took an hour I would say to completely well... I would say calm down, but, start to feel a little better anyway. Do panic attacks make you very tired? The do me.

 

[janemariesayed]

Not so much the panic attacks, but the flashbacks I keep getting are making me very tired. Sometimes it is a few times in an hour that they come zapping into my mind like they have been fired as a bullet. I cry out when they come, 'No No!' I even say 'Shhh, go away.' If I can remember when they happen, the image lingers a few seconds in my minds' eye and if I can place a different image there, it helps. I think of anything, mostly an ice cream cone but the whole process mentally drains me. The more flashbacks I get, the more mentally drained I feel.

I am glad that the breathing exercises helped you. Try to remember to do it when an attack is coming on, although I know it's not always easy to remember what to do. Perhaps put one of those bright yellow post-it notes around your home to remind you. When I was having the panic attack before going for my assessment the other day, I suddenly remembered to breathe deeply. Mind you, the deep breathing didn't stop me from feeling nauseous, that didn't stop until I had actually left the assessment centre.

 

[Concernedgal]

When we speak, it's sounds like i'm talking to a young lady. When we first spoke , I thought to myself*how could such a young lady have so many problems?) Anyway. The flashbacks must be hard. I can't imagine. I've had the blessing of not experience this. I spent a whole day out on Tuesday. Yah!! That's a really big deal for me. Not saying I wasn't on the verge of a panic attack the while time but, I had a good day. That's why I couldn't understandwhy the panic attack came late in the evening like it did. Mine usually happen in the daytime. But, night. ... that was unusual for me. I'm glad the breathing exercises worked also. I won't take ssri and my doctor is mad about that. I already expressed to my doctor yesterday that I was going to stop seeing him. When he asked why. I said that it was because he didn't listen to me. So, I guess i'm searching for a new doctor now.

 

[janemariesayed]

Oh dear! @Concernedgal I hope you can find another doctor as soon as possible. I think you should have looked for a referral before walking away. Well, anyway, what's done is done, and I don't want you to worry. Your last doctor is probably worried about what you might say about him! Ha ha, and I think that it serves him right for the way that he spoke to you.

I've read in a book that child abuse keeps you young. Ha, ha. What I mean is, that when people are abused as children, that it keeps them in that frame of mind. Kind of? I'm 53 and I don't feel that I have ever got past 21 which is when the sexual abuse stopped. I don't feel grown up at all. I see how other adults behave, and I do my best. There are some things that I just can't do, though. Where other adults expect me to behave in a certain way, I can't because of my symptoms. It makes me feel like an imbacile at times. Inadequate and stupid.

Good luck for finding a new doctor @Concernedgal and I hope he or she is one who is understanding and shows care towards you.

 

[janemariesayed]

I have to laugh, talking of how I act my age, I just put my hand over my mouth and decided to blow through my fingers. I made a marvellous musical sound, different notes coming out through each finger. My two dogs came running over wanting to know what it's all about! Somehow, I can't imagine my biological mother doing that. I can't imagine my local bank manager doing it either. I found it fun, though, and so did my dogs. I put down my silly behaviour to my mental state. At least I made myself laugh. I may even, the next time I am in the bank or a place of seriousness, start to wonder what everyone would do if I just started doing that while waiting in the queue. I'd probably get dragged off by the men in a white van. I have times like this and I know I am not the norm. Thinking silly things like this, helps me through the rough patches sometimes.

 

[Concernedgal]

They call it odd. I call it wisicle. If you and I were in the same room right now , you would find that I am the same way. You and I would walk down the street blowing through our hands . Lol. What fun is it to act your age? If everyone else in the world would be a little childish every once in a while then maybe the world could be a little better for it.

 

[janemariesayed]

I feel childish too because I am not where I should be at my age. Instead, I am dealing with things that should have been dealt with decades ago. So in my mind, I'm still back there, where I was back then when all my troubles were paramount. I may be an adult now and have responsibilities, but mentally I am not actually where my body is.