Hi, I'm Chris.
I don't know if posting here will help, but this is my first step toward trying something.
Anyhow, I'm in my early 40s. I was a well adjusted kid way back in the day, but once I hit school things started to go wrong. I got skipped a grade in elementary, which I'm told is something parents should never do to their kids for social reasons, but they didn't know at the time and were probably flattered and I don't blame them.
By the time I hit high school, I couldn't deal with being around the other kids all the time. It fried my circuits. I made it through grade 11, then stupidly I dropped out because I couldn't deal any more (I imagine I could have, I just didn't feel that way at the time). I'm not unintelligent; it wasn't the course work that did me in, it was being around people.
This was of course a stupid decision, as dropping out of school pretty much doomed me to other jobs where I would have to deal with crowds of people, retail and the like, so I hadn't solved the problem. I've pretty much gone through life working at jobs I cannot stand, because I'm constantly among the public. I have deep anxiety over socializing with people, so coworkers have never understood why I won't go to staff parties, hang out with them after work, or even hang out in the lunch room. As far as relationships, I even push interested women away over and over. The longest I've ever had relationships last can be counted in single-digit months.
Most people can't tell until they get to know me. I've become a pretty good actor over the years. As soon as they do get to know me, I inevitably freeze them out. I can't honestly say if I even know if I want to or not anymore. I guess I feel more secure alone and I'm really only happy when I'm writing.
The dumb thing is, I know some of the steps I could take to fix all this, but they require courage I don't seem to have.
Sorry for the long-windedness. I could go on, but I won't! Even if there's no help for me here, it feels good to jot this down for the first time. Thanks to anyone who had the patience to sit through it!
Chris
I don't know if posting here will help, but this is my first step toward trying something.
Anyhow, I'm in my early 40s. I was a well adjusted kid way back in the day, but once I hit school things started to go wrong. I got skipped a grade in elementary, which I'm told is something parents should never do to their kids for social reasons, but they didn't know at the time and were probably flattered and I don't blame them.
By the time I hit high school, I couldn't deal with being around the other kids all the time. It fried my circuits. I made it through grade 11, then stupidly I dropped out because I couldn't deal any more (I imagine I could have, I just didn't feel that way at the time). I'm not unintelligent; it wasn't the course work that did me in, it was being around people.
This was of course a stupid decision, as dropping out of school pretty much doomed me to other jobs where I would have to deal with crowds of people, retail and the like, so I hadn't solved the problem. I've pretty much gone through life working at jobs I cannot stand, because I'm constantly among the public. I have deep anxiety over socializing with people, so coworkers have never understood why I won't go to staff parties, hang out with them after work, or even hang out in the lunch room. As far as relationships, I even push interested women away over and over. The longest I've ever had relationships last can be counted in single-digit months.
Most people can't tell until they get to know me. I've become a pretty good actor over the years. As soon as they do get to know me, I inevitably freeze them out. I can't honestly say if I even know if I want to or not anymore. I guess I feel more secure alone and I'm really only happy when I'm writing.
The dumb thing is, I know some of the steps I could take to fix all this, but they require courage I don't seem to have.
Sorry for the long-windedness. I could go on, but I won't! Even if there's no help for me here, it feels good to jot this down for the first time. Thanks to anyone who had the patience to sit through it!
Chris
