Hello here to heal and help. Here is my story

[Brightsideup]

Hello, I'm coming here in hopes to find some extra help outside of what I am getting now and hopfully to help others. Here is my story.

I'm 27 years old I am getting married in two weeks. I work a what people would consider a high stress job I work in a jail and a officer.

I find my mind cannot stop. I worry a lot about everything. I would say 50% of my worry is financial, I do make a decent salary but I am the sole income in my house with my fiancé and our daughter. 30% of my worry is work since my job is not a black and white job I'm always scared I'm going to get fired. Every time a boss calls or my phone rings and it's work my anxiety peaks. The rest is worry about everything else. Some times out of no where I get a pit feeling in my gut I then start pacing around the house opening closing doors and my mind starts wondering around figuring out what's causing this then I start thinking of all the scenarios am I going to get fired today and loose it all for my family.

I look back on my life and this is not something that is new in my life. During high school it was the same when I sat in class and the intercom would call the class I would get the same feeling I'm getting called to the office and getting in trouble. Every job I have had I never felt fully secure. I have been fired laid off and left jobs in the passed.

As for my emotions some days I'm blank I just don't want to talk I'm quiet I sit there I can barely conjure up a response to my fiancées conversations, nothing causes theese moods and I'm actually in a decent mood but I'm blank. I also get angry very easily. Never violent just angry where I will yell at people for doing what I think is dumb things I can be very intolerant.

I find that I keep to myself I do not like to go out with the "boys" from work. I have never been part of the boys club and I'm fine with that I get invited out and always find excuses to not go out. I have always had a very small groups of friends some come and go some have stayed around for a while.
I am very impulsive I switch hobbies monthly and when I find a hobby I fixate on it and it will be all I talk about and out my effort into until I get bored and move on to the next thing.

Recently I have taken some steps to get help. I went to the doctor got full blood work done that eased my health anxiety. He put me on clomazepam as a PRN. I feel like I have been taking 1 .5mg pill a day. It has helped but not cured it. I got referred to go talk to a psychologist but that wait time is long and not until October 10th. I did a questionnaire that came

Out that I have severe anxiety and mild depression. I don't feel a constant depression but I do have some bouts of it maybe once a month I have a day where I feel in the dumps and don't see a future for myself.

 

[janemariesayed]

Hello there @Brightsideup and welcome here to the forum. It is very nice to meet you. First of all, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. I am twice divorced but I love it when people get married. It makes me realise that there is still love in the world!

It may be that you are getting married that you are worrying so much. Such a time can make us worry and feel stress. You are about to make a commitment and you want to be able to supp0rt your wife and child. Are you afraid of failing? If you are afraid of failing, don't be. You are already doing your best. You go out to work and put the food on the table for your family. You are doing what is expected of you so relax.

I am not sure why you cannot stick with one hobby. It reminds me of myself, and that I cannot finish tasks because of my attention span. I'm like that because of childhood traumas and problems. Like you, I'm going to get counselling and filled out that long questionnaire. Mine starts at the end of the summer and I've already had the screening.

I don't have much focus at all and listen to subliminal audios on Youtube which I find really helps. The depression for me is just under the surface. I think I get CPTSD as it is from childhood. I get emotional flashbacks which I can't seem to control. there are many symptoms of our mental illnesses and I hope you do manage to get better. I'm looking forward to reading your posts and getting to know you.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Hi and welcome I hope you like it here.I absolutely love this place.It is my family.Looking forward to reading your posts

 

[Brightsideup]

Thank you. I do fear failing as a husband and a parent. I think most if it is I'm in a transitional stage in my life where before when it was just me I did not mind living pay to pay and getting by. But now that I have 2 other humans to care for it added the stress of being an adult and that scares me. I'm scared to loose my truck loose my apartment becusse of rent. I ha e horrible money management that I also need to work on. I feel after this wedding I need to work on building a nest egg and that might help some of my financial anxiety. Also my partner has been trying to find employment to no luck once that happens that will also help my anxiety. I see a cure I just need it to happen. We also moved across the country for my job so we have no family support close by. I honestly just want life to go into autopilot with no worries or hardships.

 

[Concernedgal]

Welcome ... brightsideup. This place has been a godsend for me and I know that it will be for you. I've made alot of great friends here and look forward to helping you and getting to know you.

 

[janemariesayed]

Thank you. I do fear failing as a husband and a parent. I think most if it is I'm in a transitional stage in my life where before when it was just me I did not mind living pay to pay and getting by. But now that I have 2 other humans to care for it added the stress of being an adult and that scares me. I'm scared to loose my truck loose my apartment becusse of rent. I ha e horrible money management that I also need to work on. I feel after this wedding I need to work on building a nest egg and that might help some of my financial anxiety. Also my partner has been trying to find employment to no luck once that happens that will also help my anxiety. I see a cure I just need it to happen. We also moved across the country for my job so we have no family support close by. I honestly just want life to go into autopilot with no worries or hardships.

Life doesn't work like that @Brightsideup. We will always have one problem or another. They are just the challenges of life. One way that may make you feel better about your finances is to sit down with your wife and work them all out on paper. Figure out what your outgoings are and your incomings. Live within your means and stick to the plan that you and your wife make together financially and when your wife obtains work it will be a bonus.

 

[Rinka]

Hi @Brightsideup,
I really can relate to your feeling of uncertainty. It is scary and it can be damaging.
As @janemariesayed mentioned life is never perfect and it will always challenge us.
This challenge is what helps you develop as an individual, as a person.
I'm at the moment in a similar situation with my partner. We seem to be in a waiting position to start our real life.
We are sorting our financials out to move out and start our own little family. It is scary though, really scary, because we both don't have a regular income. We share a house with a mate and would not be able to finance a flat or house with just the two of us and our dog (that one just eats, and does not even pay rent!)
We might have gone so far as really having a child now, but it does feel scary to not be certain of the future and not be certain how we will be getting on.
But on the other hand it is exciting and I can already see that we both are growing on the situation as individuals.
i hope you will find your way and I am certain, that when you found it you will have grown as a person and you will know, that after you managed this challenge you will be able to face any challenge with more strength in you.
That is what I find makes one an adult, not what society tells you, but the ability to master challenges and find your way without giving up.