Hello and it is late here

[lily]

Hi, so I never been clinically diagnosed by any professionals whatsoever. Throughout my life I never thought about categorizing myself with any sort of mental issues because I do understand that mental issues are very very important and i don't want to diminish or tarnish the seriousness of it with my probably-just-in-my-head-kind-of-thing-and-i-am-making-a-big-deal-out-of-nothing.

I am an army brat and whenever I cried as a child my dad would say "You're the daughter of a military man. Military men are strong so you have to be strong no matter what." I guess I took it to heart and fed it into my ego because I cannot and will not cry in front of anyone ever. I bottle things up (emotions, fear and all). If things get too much I ran to my own corner in the dark and cry and preach self hate for not being strong enough.

I also have serious issues in regards of people judging me. I cannot handle it therefore I try not to put my self in any spotlight where I could be judge. I do have a small group of friends and as far as I know, I'm okay with everyone in my class of 100 people. I realize when I slowly became comfortable with people I cling to them so hard. At one point I fear that my friends are secretly hating me so I snooped through their phones in case there are texts about judging me or something. I know it's bad but the fears are so irrational to the point it consumes me. If there are any confrontational things, I shrunk back and could never fend for my self.

Somewhere at the end of last year, I guess you could say I was in bad place. Finals approaching, Uni works, bad group mates, family stuff, design rejected etc. All the problem mushed in together. I thought it was just stress. All uni students go through work stress and all but then at one point my hands couldn't stop shaking. I shook it off on accounts of bad sleeping and eating schedule. One point I stopped going to class altogether because I felt dejected, lost and empty. I still shook it off thinking it's just submissions approaching and I'm just nervous. One night while walking alone with a full head, it suddenly felt hard to breathe. I panicked and just sat by the road trying to relax my self. Took some time but I returned to normal. I approached two different people but both brushed me off as me being needy. So I never approached anyone again. After that debacle I found out I failed two classes and I haven't told my parents.

Why am i writing on this forum? I don't know. It's one of those nights where I can't sleep so I started thinking. Maybe typing it out may ease my full head. I still don't know if I have anxiety issues nor do I want to know. I fear that it might be something and I have to tell my parents. I don't want to be a burden. I feel like a worthless being to be honest. I'm not religious like my parents wants me to be. I'm not a genius. I am attached to my phone and my laptop. I never go out. I don't know. I'm sorry this is so long. It's 4:43am. I should get to bed.

 

[Concernedgal]

It is not a sin to have an emotion nor is it shameful. You have spent your life bottling things up and now...it's' trying to co.e to surface. My childhood was so so hard and I felt I needed to stay strong for my other siblings so I did. Everything else I had an emotion...I would (put on a happy face )so that everything would seem OK to other people. But, the longer you deny your emotions. ..the more it's going to try to come to surface. It comes out in physical symptoms like the shaking and that'' only the beginning... if you dont' do something about this now. .. (talk to a therapist ) get your emotions out...your going to start to experience the fun symptoms such as ....shortness of breath, tingling in your extremities, racing heart,chest pain,and a whole other slew of symptoms. Your body is warning you right now.. nip this in the bud before it' too late because once you have a panic attack. ..it's over. You can't unring that bell. Take my advice.... get help now before it's too late. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Kelculator]

Thank you for sharing so much with us. I know this has been said a thousand times, but... It must be really hard for you. But there are many amazing people here that can show you that you are worthy, and strong, and can be well again. Talk to us, or me, anytime. Try to take one step at a time. Be patient with yourself... I know the whole "figuring out" process is hard and scary... But you don't have to do this at once. Discover what you need, and take care of yourself, as it is your first priority before you can extend help and contribute to the world. We are here for you.

 

[janemariesayed]

What you need Lily is to undo the teaching and child conditioning that you have had for all those donkey's years.
Here is an article of exercises from a lady called Melanie Evans which may help you.
Exercise:
Step 1:
Write out the negative characteristics of your parents. It is important not to feel guilty about doing this. This isn't about 'blame throwing', this is self-recognition that will assist you in healing and reclaiming your right to perfect love, success and happiness. It is important that you don't intellectualise these traits. Write out how you perceived these negative traits. However, you perceived them IS exactly how you will have experienced these negative belief systems.

Step 2:
Write about how you felt in regard to these negative traits. This is really important. Put asterisks next to the most painful situations. Use "feeling" words. For example, "I felt abandoned", "I felt unloved", "I felt not good enough" etc. The feelings that were the most powerfully charged are the ones that would have created the most powerful negative belief systems. Through these feelings, you would have established false beliefs that will continue to play out in your life.

Step 3:
Write about significant difficult relationships you have had in your life. This may be with love partners or other important people in your life. List the negative traits of these people.

Step 4:
Match the negative traits from Step 3 with the negative traits of your parents. Can you see the patterns emerging?

Step 5:
Self reflect and see the pattern your negative belief systems have been re-creating. Make a list of these negative belief systems. For example. "I believe I am unlovable." "I believe I don't deserve safe and honest people in my life.", "I believe I don't deserve loving acceptance." "I believe I have to be a certain way or do a certain thing to be loved and accepted" "I don't believe I am good enough" etc.

Step 6:
Look at all these defunct belief systems. Counteract each and every one of them with a new positive belief system, such as:

• "I love and accept myself. I am lovable. I accept and deserve love."
• "I deserve safe and genuine love."
• "I am adequate for every situation. I am perfect exactly as I am." etc.