Hello again guys.

LostMyWay · Jul 1, 2018

I wish I could offer some form of encouragement, though unfortunately I too seem to have lost all capability of feeling true happiness. Someone I used to message on another forum used to tell me that I shouldn't be looking for happiness, but for joy and to appreciate the things that bring it, but that doesn't seem to exist either. I too used to try and offer advice to others suffering, and still do from time to time. Using my own experiences with depression I would try and warn others and steer them in the right direction, though when it comes down to it it seems that I've lost the ability to do anything for myself. Then when I need someone to be there for me, when I need someone to really show they care and show me some love there is no one. You talk about how it's hard to practice what you preach, I know I've said things to others that I don't seem capable of trying myself so I know all too well how hard it is to try things on your own.

I really want to say something to help, though I'm about as lost as can be and not sure I could be helpful but I will still try. Maybe there's something missing in your life, and you won't be able to find happiness until you find that thing. I know I feel like there's one thing missing in my life and that I will never be happy until I find it, so maybe you too just have to try and find what it is you're missing. I like to look at my depression as if there is a void inside that needs to be filled, and until that happens I just feel sad and miserable all the time. Maybe you're like me and you feel like something is missing and you know what it is, but also feel like you will never have that thing and it just haunts you and drags you down.

You say you need to be cared about, maybe that's what's missing. Maybe what you need is someone there for you that will show you the proper care and love that you need, maybe that is the medicine that you need. When it seems like no one truly cares or loves you then it's painful, and I don't know about you but for me not having that person there is a pain that completely destroys everything else. I've let that one thing basically destroy my life, and to quote a song "I've seen these dreams being crushed by a single thought, and felt the envy of sadness engulf all warmth."

Have you tried medications and/or therapy, if so did they help at all? I know a lot of people love to say that a good therapist and the right medications will make everything better, but when the problem isn't mental or something medicine can fix then those things just aren't going to help. I was put on Paxil years ago, like 15 years ago I would say, and it made things worse. I tried Prozac last year, it just made things worse and even made me suicidal. Therapy just made me think of that one thing I want in life and can't have, so that made me feel worse. So be careful about trying medications because they can just make it all worse.

I'm not the best person to be talking to, my depression and anxiety usually make me sad and miserable which most people don't want to deal with, but feel free to message me if you would like. I may not be any good at it, and my problems seem to be really affecting things, but one of the only things that can bring any temporary joy to me is trying to help others to cope. So if you need someone to talk to you can message me.

LostMyWay · Jul 1, 2018

Some people swear by medications, but it seems for us they just made it all worse. I hope it wasn't too bad for you, and I don't blame you for not wanting to try any others either. They say you just have to find the right one, but when so many of them can potentially cause serious problems I wonder if the risk is even worth it. I lost my job, lost friends, and started to spiral down into a dark pit because of Paxil. I won't ask what it or Zoloft did to you, though I'm sure it was pretty bad since you said it really messed you up.

I'm really sorry to hear about your childhood. Someone I used to talk to has been abused all their life, and I hate knowing things like that happen to people because no one deserves that sort of treatment. A lot of people grow up to deal with depression and anxiety when they are abused as children, it just messes with your mind and causes problems and for some it just haunts them. Your problems could be rooted within your childhood problems and might not go away unless you can let all of that go, then again letting go of certain things can be a problem on it's own.

You definitely can't keep things bottled up, I agree with your therapist, you have to let some of that out because that can really hurt too. I've lost count of the times I've driven myself crazy because I didn't stand up for myself. I kept it all inside and made everything worse in doing that, so you can't keep everything inside.

If I did help, even just a little, I'm glad I was able to do something good for you. I really doubt I will ever find any happiness, but thank you for saying that. To be perfectly honest I've given up because I don't think I will find what I'm looking for. I really hope your effort will pay off for you soon because even though I don't know you you don't deserve to live a life of sadness, no one deserves a life of sadness.

LostMyWay · Jul 2, 2018

It would be nice if there was some way no one ever had to go through something like this, but even if it isn't mental issues there are so many other things that will just end up making people go through it.

It sounds like the Zoloft pretty much did to you what the Paxil did to me. I don't really remember feeling paranoid though, but it definitely made me agitated and I too stayed in the house a lot (and still do unfortunately). That drowning sensation sounds pretty odd, I wonder if it did something to your senses that caused that. It seems like what was meant to be helpful was about as harmful as can be. It just took away a lot, and left us in a very bad state of mind that we clearly haven't been able to recover from so far. I just wonder how we would feel if we never had to take those things, because clearly they did a lot of damage and didn't help in any way. I guess we can't be upset with the doctors, they're just doing their jobs though they shouldn't prescribe medications that can have so many potentially bad side effects.

For me I think the worst part about all of it is the loneliness. I don't mean a sense that I'm the only one in the world that feels this way, but I mean the feeling of not having anyone here in person that seems to care. All I want is someone around me that cares and loves me, but I don't have that and haven't for a very long time. I'd share more about that, but it would be a long message and some things I don't like to talk about publicly.

Thank you, I will try and be here for you too. I feel like all I have left to give with my life is to try and be there for others, I don't seem to have much purpose besides that. Knowing what it's like to go through this, and how it can feel when no one is there, I want to try and help if I can. If you ever need someone to talk to for any reason just message me.

janemariesayed · Jul 2, 2018

Concernedgal said:
Depression.
Depression is lonely and often misunderstood. With depression ...I am fake.
I wake up sad and I have to smile as to not alarm anyone .....I have to laugh ...even though I have forgoten what it was like actually think of life as funny.
I try so hard to get through life and try my hardest to know what joy feels like again.
But, happiness and joy is gone from my life. I can't' keep suffering in silence and I have to stop worrying about everyone else.
I NEED HELP!!! I NEED TO BE CARED ABOUT !!! I NEED TO BE HAPPY AGAIN. People in this world look at me like i'm ok..like i'm confident and I have maybe even offered some helpful advice here..but, it is so hard to practice what I preach. This is getting old and I don't know what i'm supposed to do. ..I have given advice before such as.... ( just live or it wins..) well....it' 's kicking my you know what and it is winning.
I am so freaking unhappy. I can't understand why.
I mean...I understand scientifically why...I just don't understand ( why me?) Why any of us.
We were probably born with the inability to utilize our serotonin correctly.
Why is it so hard to just experience an emotion that we all I have a right experience. .... ( happiness ). I need some encouragement guys. Please. I have about had it.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this low. It's just that some of us are different from others. I watched a neighbour today. He was running about to and fro, doing this and doing that. Scrubbing, banging nails, polishing, moving this from there..... I realised that he was always doing something because it is his escape.

Okay me, I will go into myself and not talk to people but my neighbour doesn't even admit his anxiety. I've never met him up close but I know that he is always outside doing something. So that is how people escape. We escape from it one way while others choose ignorance. They don't even realise they are not well. So it is not just us. It is all of us. Everyone who lives feels something bad sometimes and something good other times.

You know that is true. So chin up hunny, look at the wonderful things that you do have

in your life. You know that this dark time is going to pass. You know I'm always here for you.

Did you get the kitten yet? It'd do you good!

LostMyWay · Jul 2, 2018

Concernedgal said:
I will definitely message you. If I need to talk.
You seem like a pretty intelligent person.
There' a study out there that I recently read that said that intelligent people tend to have mental illness.
Einstein was mentally ill,Picasso was mentally ill and so on.. .
Anyways this makes sense to me because my iq is 121 and you sound very intelligent to me also.
Isn't that something.
Look it up.

You're more than welcome to at any time and for any reason.

I don't think I would call myself intelligent, not anymore at least. I mean I was an honor student for a few years when I was in school, but then I was pretty stupid and just stopped going though my anxiety and depression played a major role in that. I've pretty much forgotten anything I learned, so I'm not what one might call book smart I just try and use common sense.

I don't doubt at all that the study is true, I'm sure it is true. I did a search, and found several articles about it. One of them was from a few years ago, and was talking about how students at Harvard University have a higher than average rate of depression and suicide. So apparently there is a history of mental health issues there, and I'm sure it's related to the students' intelligence.

A 121 IQ, I have no idea what mine is though I'm sure it isn't that high. According to those articles the higher your IQ the more likely you are to have mental health issues, guess it isn't so good being intelligent sometimes though hopefully you can use that intelligence to pull yourself out of this dark place too.

janemariesayed · Jul 3, 2018

Concernedgal said:
My sweet jane. You are always helpful.
I'm glad to have made you as a friend . Email me later so I can talk to you personally.

For sure, I will email you later. I hope you are okay. Sending hugs.

LostMyWay · Jul 3, 2018

Concernedgal said:
I can't understand why your self esteem is so low.
I can read your responses and tell that.
I'm sure that if I asked you a scholastic question...you would be able to answer.
My area of expertise is medicine...what is yours? ? I'm sure it's something. You seem artistic.

I guess it's mostly from so many years of dealing with this. It's to a point where I just feel like a failure since nothing ever goes right, and it's just hard to have confidence or self esteem when you feel that way and feel lost.

Considering I never made it past high school I probably wouldn't be able to answer much, but maybe something simple I could answer.

I never got far enough with school to really have an area of expertise. I always wanted to do something with music though. I was in choir for a few years, then after that was in an orchestra class where I played the cello (even have a medal my class won from a competition we did one year). I try writing poems and have done at least 10 or more, though I mostly keep them to myself now. They're basically a reflection of how I feel inside, so they're pretty depressing.

Do you make a career out of your medicine expertise? Seems like something that you could make a nice living off of if you are able to do something with it, and something that could be really good for you in multiple ways I'm sure.

LostMyWay · Jul 3, 2018

It's pretty easy to imagine how it would be really tough being afraid of blood and body fluids while trying to make a career in medicine. It really limits what you could do, I mean you really aren't going to be any sort of doctor or nurse with that fear. There must be something you could do with it though, something that wouldn't involve you needing to deal with that sort of stuff. I don't blame you though, I'm the same way when it comes to blood. I feel uneasy whenever I get a minor cut.

You have an edge on me with the choir, as I was only in mine when I was really young (3rd grade maybe, I can't remember). So while I do enjoy singing I've never really heard my own voice from someone else's perspective, and I'm way too afraid to try and record it, so I'm not sure if I'm any good. How would you judge your singing?

I'm sure to some people it may seem like I intentionally put myself down, I'm sure it seems that way about anyone with low self esteem. I don't set out to try and put myself down, and I'm sure most people with low self esteem are the same. It's just how I see myself unfortunately, and while some people may want to hide things like that or lie about it I'm not going to. I'm sure I have good qualities to me, the few people I've really talked to have said so, but it's just hard for me to see that with things as they are now. I think it's even worse when you only have one or two friends that are all online, and have no one around in person to really show you the good within. I've gone so long without any sort of support that I feel like I'm trapped in a cage or something, and I wrote a poem about that too.

I definitely wish I could see what others see in me, but like you said it's just not that simple. I do a better job of letting others see the good sides of themselves than I do with seeing my own good sides, and it seems like you might be the same way too. Like to me you seem like a nice person, and you seem to have good things going for you. You're obviously smart with a 121 IQ. You have an expertise in something that could really be a nice career for you, if you can get past those fears that is. You say you can sing, which might not seem like anything major but it's still something good. You gave up being bulimic, that's great and something you should be proud of. You're married which on it's own is nice, but it also sounds like you have someone that has been a lot of help to you and is able to point out the good qualities that you have when you yourself can't see them. Like your husband I too wouldn't just see someone that gained 30 pounds, I would see someone that was able to beat bulimia and improve their health in doing so.

I'm honestly not sure I've had the chance to make any difference in someone's life yet. Part of the reason I really like to try reaching out to others that are struggling is because I not only want to try and help them feel better about things, but if there ever comes a time when I can actually make a difference for someone then I know that will make me feel better about myself too. The problem with that is that I allow my problems to take over and get in the way, and I just end up pushing people away so I never get the chance to do anything positive for others.

LostMyWay · Jul 4, 2018

I know what you mean, that's why now when I try meeting new people I look for others that deal with depression and/or anxiety because I know those that don't deal with it most likely won't understand and will take things personally just as you said. I know all too well that my depression can become a problem when talking to people, hell I allowed it to ruin a friendship that could have been much more, so when I have those moments I want to make sure anyone I talk to knows and understands so they don't take things the wrong way. That's a reason why I don't try and hide my low self esteem or my problems, because I want people to accept me as I am instead of trying to be fake just to get people to like me.

That's actually a pretty good thing to be afraid of, so I'm not sure I really see anything wrong with that fear. All it would take was mishandling a blood sample or contact with a bleeding patient and you could end up with a disease. If you got careless who knows what could happen, and it could be pretty risky, though yeah you could always find something that doesn't have to worry about coming in contact with blood or anything. About sitting in blood, that would probably freak a lot of people out I think. I really think most people are nervous about contact with blood with all of the diseases it can carry, I would be I wouldn't want to touch someone's blood. It just sucks that you had such a bad panic attack because of it.

I too have suicidal thoughts more than I would like to admit. I wrote a poem a couple weeks before my birthday that basically said that I didn't want to even make it to that day, and that I was ready to just give up completely. It's not pretty, believe me. I know we would rather not have those moments, but unfortunately we do. Hopefully you don't have them anymore.

Yes, it helps a lot having people to talk to. The only thing keeping me going is being able to talk to others. I was considering deleting my Facebook account (which I never use), any sort of messenger services I was using (though I stopped using those anyway), and completely stop using forums but a friend I made two years ago on a Sims forum asked me not to. This is the person that got me using Skype, that got me to break free from my anxiety for a while and actually do some voice and video chats. This is the person that for now is the one person I can truly call a friend, and without her I don't think I would even bother trying since she has become like a sister to me. The only bad thing is that I really want someone around in person, and it does make me feel really sad that I can't see her in person.

Thank you for saying that, I just wish more people could see that side of me instead of just seeing me as being broken.

As someone that grew up a Nirvana fan I always think of Kurt Cobain, and what he was going through. Even though he was rich and famous, even though he had access to whatever he wanted, he just couldn't live how he wanted to anymore and just lost the desire to even live because that fame took away who he really was.

My friend from that Sims site suggested I try a Tumblr page and post them there, though I'm nervous about what others would think about them. The people I have shown them to always say good things, though they know about my problems and I wonder if they are just being nice to make me feel better. To be honest the poems all kind of seem the same, I mean it's all just saying how I was feeling at the time which is how I feel most times. Maybe they are good, I don't know.

Tim · Jul 4, 2018

Concernedgal said:
Depression.
Depression is lonely and often misunderstood. With depression ...I am fake.
I wake up sad and I have to smile as to not alarm anyone .....I have to laugh ...even though I have forgoten what it was like actually think of life as funny.
I try so hard to get through life and try my hardest to know what joy feels like again.
But, happiness and joy is gone from my life. I can't' keep suffering in silence and I have to stop worrying about everyone else.
I NEED HELP!!! I NEED TO BE CARED ABOUT !!! I NEED TO BE HAPPY AGAIN. People in this world look at me like i'm ok..like i'm confident and I have maybe even offered some helpful advice here..but, it is so hard to practice what I preach. This is getting old and I don't know what i'm supposed to do. ..I have given advice before such as.... ( just live or it wins..) well....it' 's kicking my you know what and it is winning.
I am so freaking unhappy. I can't understand why.
I mean...I understand scientifically why...I just don't understand ( why me?) Why any of us.
We were probably born with the inability to utilize our serotonin correctly.
Why is it so hard to just experience an emotion that we all I have a right experience. .... ( happiness ). I need some encouragement guys. Please. I have about had it.

I know exactly how you feel, but I don't think medication is the only answer. Some people are unhappy just from life's circumstances, and they'll remain unhappy until they change what is causing them to be miserable.

My best advice is to write down on a piece of paper, who you really are, not who you want to be, but who you truly are. And spend all your time and effort in what makes you, well, you.

Hello again guys.

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