Got anxiety from a past event, now I have Rocd?

[Jessa]

Before explaining my problem, I have to start with a past event that caused it:

Years ago after I broke up with my bf I met a guy, who was really a good guy.
We started going out and after we started dating too... I was happy then after 6 months I got a weird anxiety going on. I felt pain and heavy when I was with him and had no idea why... And I was better when I was alone by my own.. I didn't want to leave him but 5 months after I realised that this wasn't just anxiety with intrusive doubtd but a Real alarm bell telling me he wasn't the Right guy. And he wasn't indeed.
So basically during that time I forced myself to contrast my anxiety from pushing him away and forced the relationship and felt bad.

This started my General Anxiety for everything and relationships later on. Indeed from a positive person I was now I'm a slave of my fears and mind. Thinking that Those who loves me I push away and Those who I love reject me.
Plus every time I got anxiety in relationships I connect it to this past events and gets me nervous. Because J can't tell whether is real or not.
The problem now is:
After years I met an old friend which I really liked. We started dating, he rushed a bit, and I was a bit unsecure and afraid since my past experiences (love got me scared) so I wanted to make sure my feelings for him because I didn't want to hurt him after.
Then after I was sure I loved him we are a couple now.
After some time I had anxiety crisis again and I started worrying about my Past again because I didn't want it to happen again.
So... I became a Slave of my anxiety.
I started having Intrusive Thoughts about me and my relationship.
I started thinking: *maybe I don't love him for real because we started slow and I was insecure?
Maybe It's just an illusion? What if will happen the same thing? What if my anxiety will push him away? What if I don't have ROCD but he's the wrong one as well? What if is the same situation? What if is another alarm bell? *

The different things are that I don't feel sick next to my boyfriend like in my past relationship in which I was feeling sick everytime I was with that guy.
We live together sometime and I like his company.
Plus, if I'm away from him I don't feel Better like in my past, in which the more I was away from that guy the more I was good and my anciety relieved.
Sometimes my anxiety leaves me and I feel sure and secure about my feelings for him:that I want to live with him and marry him eventually.
It comes and goes as it pleases. -.-
One time I got anxiety because we spend 24h on 24 together and I needed my space and do my things... So my mind kinda wanted to tell me Take Your Time as well.
But sometimes I feel so weird with those thoughts....
I started seeking confirmation in an obsessive way of everything.
Like:
Not seeing him for a long time then checking if my heart sparkles as soon as I meet him again, smell his shirt and see if I feel the love...
Stupid things like that. .
But when I'm alone my mind start haunting me and don't know what to believe.
I would feel Dead if I have to leave him because of my anxiety.
What should I do?
Because even If I ignore those intrusive thoughts, physically I feel like hell

 

[Cuchculan]

Seems like one part of you wants a relationship and love and another part of you questions will it end up the same way as the last relationship. This would be common given the circumtances of the previous relationship. I would suggest you treat this relationship as something new. Don't base it on an old relationship. In other words don't let a past relationship ruin a present relationship. The older one is still fresh on your mind. What it done to you. By way of making you feel sick around him and all of that. You wonder if that could ever happen again? Will that happen this time as well? It does not have to happen. I would put the old relationship to bed. Leave it there. Simply work on the new relationship.

 

[Jessa]

Seems like one part of you wants a relationship and love and another part of you questions will it end up the same way as the last relationship. This would be common given the circumtances of the previous relationship. I would suggest you treat this relationship as something new. Don't base it on an old relationship. In other words don't let a past relationship ruin a present relationship. The older one is still fresh on your mind. What it done to you. By way of making you feel sick around him and all of that. You wonder if that could ever happen again? Will that happen this time as well? It does not have to happen. I would put the old relationship to bed. Leave it there. Simply work on the new relationship.

That's what I try to do...
Bury my past and never let it condition me.
But it was something that scared me a lot and the thought of anxiety that takes my choices instead of me frightens me.
When I'm with him I feel good, when I'm not around I feel weird and I hate it.
I was always scared of relationship.. Like if I would run... But yet... I want to love as a normal person

 

[Cuchculan]

Do you feel you might fail in relationships? Might be why you fear them. That they might hot horribly wrong all because of you. Is a very common way for people with anxiety to think. But it is still just the mind at play. Nothing to say any of what we are thinking is true at all. Just a fear that sits inside our mind. Thing is to try and not let that fear control the relationship.

 

[Jessa]

Kinda of...
I'm scared when people fall for me.
I always loved and was rejected and I don't care, I go over it, it's my pain and I can manage it.
But since I know how it feels, I don't want to hurt anybody else. Especially with anxiety because I'm afraid to hurt people because of my unexplainable fears and problems.
Afraid that I could mess everything up again.
So when people fall for me I get very scared. Especially after that past episode in which this guy loved me and I pushed him away because he wasn't the right one for me. Even if I wanted and forced my self in the relationship.

Years ago I fell deeply in love with a guy and there were two times I got anxiety without knowing why. I didn't feel anything for him.. I was numb.. Then it passed and the love intensified... it was just a change because the relationship was going deeper so it was normal to have anxiety... Even if was one sided because he never loved me but is my best friend. (anxiety also because I didn't know what we were or will be)

So I always have these kind of crysis and I hate them because I don't know if it's a matter of Wrong Person (Like in the past) or is a false alarm and everything is good.

Because with my actual bf, I was happy when he fell for me, because I wished for it to happen... But at the same time that scared because someone fell for me and gave me anxiety xD

 

[Cuchculan]

Maybe you have to deal with the past in order to move on with the present. This BF you are happy with. But somewhere deep within you fear a repeat of what happened in the past. So the past is always going to come into things at that rate. Until you take a good look at the past and see it for what it was and try and understand it, you will always be stuck with it. Things don't have to repeat themselves. This BF might be perfect for you. He deserves the right kind of chance. Without been judged against what happened in the past. Getting help to move on from the past might be the answer to the present day.

 

[Jessa]

Exacly!
I thought I did move on... But turns out I just moved on the fact that he wasn't the guy for me. I didn't move on on the rest, sadly.
I
have to try till this past event doesn't look like a trauma to me as it does now and stop controlling me. Because it doesn't matter who am I with.. If I don't solve it I will always have fears and doubts, I guess...
Exacly!
I thought I did move on... But turns out I just moved on the fact that he wasn't the guy for me. I didn't move on on the rest, sadly.
I
have to try till this past event doesn't look like a trauma to me as it does now and stop controlling me. Because it doesn't matter who am I with.. If I don't solve it I will always have fears and doubts, I guess...