GAD

[vlcreations]

Today started out a good day, until I cut my Dad's hair. I'm usually in control during these times but today I had a major attack while cutting his hair. You see, I'm the sole caregiver for my 89 year old father. Before that I took care of my Mom for several years. I have 3 sisters and one brother but they have never been any help. One lives here in Colorado Springs but she has serious issues of her own. The other two sisters live out of state. As for my brother, who knows where he is.
My life growing up was very abusive physically, mentally and verbally. My Mom was the type of person who was a borderline personality disorder. She would make one child her favorite while we we're growing up. Then when that kid ruined her expectations of them she moved onto another. It was never me. At least not while I was younger. It wasn't until she had used up the other kids before she came after me which was later in life. I never married and so it was convenient to move back in with them when they needed the help.

She was not a very nice person but she also had a lousy childhood. Her father sexually, physically and emotionally abused her and she never received any help for her condition. Oh, she tried to commit suicide later in life a couple of times. She would get mad at you but never tell you the reason and if she did it was over something so stupid. She was also very good at giving us the silent treatment when she got mad. She could go for weeks and not say a word to the person. My Dad received the brunt of it but we kids were not immune from it either. That does something to you when you own Mom can act like you totally invisible to her. Having a parent who gives her children the silent treatment when she was mad is a form of emotionally abuse. You used to tell me that my father wasn't my real dad; that she had affairs during the time I was conceived. She used to tell me that he didn't love me. As for him not being my Dad, thanks to genealogy tests It's confirmed, he is my Father. What kind of a person plays games like this with their kids. I wonder how her treatment of me is now impacted me at 60. I have crippling anxiety that no one really understands unless they have. And I can't just turn it off. I wonder about my future-how much longer am I going to have to take care of my Dad.,

Even though I am an unpaid caregiver I do have money stashed away so no worries when he passes away. I have one hobby that I used to enjoy immensely. I make clothes for fashion dolls and when I first started I LOVED it. Them Mom got alzheimers and she used to make me feel guilty for sewing doing those last years. I tried to get back into it but the motivation is not there.

Oh, just a little footnote about the settlement I received. When my sisters found out they actually had the nerve to expect some of that money. Luckily the money is in a joint account so they will never get their hands on it. They both have husbands. Let them support them. Especially since neither one had seen or talked to my Mom in over 30 years before she died. My older sister said she was sorry for My Dad and my loss but no mention that she was also her mom. All she was concerned about was if we had any pictures from when we were younger. We don't. You see, every time Mom got mad at someone she would destroy all their photos-I have none growing up. It's like I have no actually photos of us when we were little.

 

[Jonathan123]

Hi. And welcome. Your story is one that is related so often in life. Relationships can be really traumatic. The vast majority of abuse both sexual, physical and verbal takes place in the home, so mostly goes unrecorded. Society is in a state of disorder, so is it surprising abuse goes on? Sadly, 'Love one another' are just words. Mental illness is on the rise and drastically so after covid. We see only the tip of the iceberg. It's why sites like this exist, and thank God they do.
Your family circumstances are such that anxiety is almost certain to flourish. It is difficult to know what to say except that circumstances do change, and often when we least expect them. Asking you to accept how you feel for the moment will be difficult for you. In the UK there are many social services that can help for free. But being in the USA I have no idea what help you can get. But help you surely need because the burden of it all is falling on you. Have you any friends you can confide in? On this site you will find kindness and understanding, so don't give in. It is sad that your hobby making clothes for fashion dolls no longer interests you, because it would take your mind off your immediate worries. There is always a flip side to life. The bad is often countered by the good. It's good you are here, and although we can't talk face to face, I do hope you find some comfort from this site.

 

[Strawberry Banana Sundae]

Today started out a good day, until I cut my Dad's hair. I'm usually in control during these times but today I had a major attack while cutting his hair. You see, I'm the sole caregiver for my 89 year old father. Before that I took care of my Mom for several years. I have 3 sisters and one brother but they have never been any help. One lives here in Colorado Springs but she has serious issues of her own. The other two sisters live out of state. As for my brother, who knows where he is.
My life growing up was very abusive physically, mentally and verbally. My Mom was the type of person who was a borderline personality disorder. She would make one child her favorite while we we're growing up. Then when that kid ruined her expectations of them she moved onto another. It was never me. At least not while I was younger. It wasn't until she had used up the other kids before she came after me which was later in life. I never married and so it was convenient to move back in with them when they needed the help.

She was not a very nice person but she also had a lousy childhood. Her father sexually, physically and emotionally abused her and she never received any help for her condition. Oh, she tried to commit suicide later in life a couple of times. She would get mad at you but never tell you the reason and if she did it was over something so stupid. She was also very good at giving us the silent treatment when she got mad. She could go for weeks and not say a word to the person. My Dad received the brunt of it but we kids were not immune from it either. That does something to you when you own Mom can act like you totally invisible to her. Having a parent who gives her children the silent treatment when she was mad is a form of emotionally abuse. You used to tell me that my father wasn't my real dad; that she had affairs during the time I was conceived. She used to tell me that he didn't love me. As for him not being my Dad, thanks to genealogy tests It's confirmed, he is my Father. What kind of a person plays games like this with their kids. I wonder how her treatment of me is now impacted me at 60. I have crippling anxiety that no one really understands unless they have. And I can't just turn it off. I wonder about my future-how much longer am I going to have to take care of my Dad.,

Even though I am an unpaid caregiver I do have money stashed away so no worries when he passes away. I have one hobby that I used to enjoy immensely. I make clothes for fashion dolls and when I first started I LOVED it. Them Mom got alzheimers and she used to make me feel guilty for sewing doing those last years. I tried to get back into it but the motivation is not there.

Oh, just a little footnote about the settlement I received. When my sisters found out they actually had the nerve to expect some of that money. Luckily the money is in a joint account so they will never get their hands on it. They both have husbands. Let them support them. Especially since neither one had seen or talked to my Mom in over 30 years before she died. My older sister said she was sorry for My Dad and my loss but no mention that she was also her mom. All she was concerned about was if we had any pictures from when we were younger. We don't. You see, every time Mom got mad at someone she would destroy all their photos-I have none growing up. It's like I have no actually photos of us when we were little.

I’m so sorry you had a rough childhood. All I can say is take care of yourself and try to make memories of today that you’ll look back years from now. It’s not too late to start over. Hugs!

 

[MATD]

I can totally relate to your upbringing. My mother was widowed very early on with five small children to raise. I know it was hard on her. Her own childhood was full of neglect and abuse. She raised us five kids in a somewhat similar manner as you experienced. Cold shoulder silent treatment, scare tactics to keep us in line, even suicide threats and leaving us alone while she went off to “kill” herself. We were “bad” kids in her eyes. There was no nurturing, just work that had to be done continuously. It affected me greatly, even at a very young age I had anxiety and depression as a result and it morphed into crippling a&d. It wasn’t till I could look back and really understand what caused my anxiety and depression that I could begin to make mental changes and heal. I also had to come to the realization my mother had issues because of how she was raised and didn’t know any other way to be. Forgiveness was necessary on my part to clear my own soul and it’s a process that takes time. I also found the acceptance method of Dr Claire Weekes and have been practicing it for nearly a year now. Healing starts by facing everything, understanding the parts everyone and everything played in your development of anxiety. By allowing and accepting and not reacting with negative emotions or thoughts, it allows the anxiety to lose power over us. The more we let go of the anxiety, the more we can be more objective and think clearer, allowing the negativity to wane and replace it with reality and non judgment. In other words, healing. I’m 64 and it’s taken me this long to finally be able to understand why I am who I am, and to know I can live a better life mentally going forward. There is Hope, if I can, at my age, I know you can too. Please feel free to continue to post here and we will be there for you. And listen to Jonathan, he is on point.

 

[Jonathan123]

Oh yes. I can relate to that. I did not suffer physical abuse but mental abuse for sure. There was no love in our family and I can never remember my parents ever giving me a hug.
It took me some years to forgive them after they had died. It is so important to forgive.
If we hold grievances they will eat away at our spirit until we become bitter people. When I hear people say that no one wants to be with them or talk to them, whether they are the unforgiving sort who think the world owes them a living. They frighten people off! We can't be happy and laughing all the time, life is not like that, but we can stop ourselves from falling into the trap of apathy.
'To err is human, to forgive divine'. Such a true saying. The past, especially childhood memories, can be the cause of anxiety in later years. Mine certainly was.