I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a terrifyingly quiet tornado and I can't move. Coming at me is:
1.) Relative from a foreign country coming to stay with us for a month. Even with relatives that speak English, I always pull my disappearing act whenever they come over and hide until they're gone. Bonus: The relative is 17 years old while I'm 30. Anyone younger than me by some years has always been strangely intimidating as I have ZERO IDEA how to talk to them.
2.) I may or may have not made a mistake at work. The mistake in question is in my jurisdiction, but I have no idea how it could have happened. Boss of my boss has reamed me out about it, threatening to fire me. Bonus: The boss of my boss is my mother. I'm currently at home (it's my day off) waiting for everyone to come home and get reamed out in person.
3.) Following a stressful drive to a strange place (my highly energetic friend was directing me using her phone but was mainly busy trying to fix her GPS, which wouldn't show her current location, so her directions were given very last second), I made two mistakes in a mall parking lot: Cut off another car without knowing until they honked, then accidentally scraped a parked car. With the latter, the owner of said car is acting calm and even thanked me for my honesty in leaving a note while others wouldn't, but it's still very stressful for me. Bonus: I still have to talk to the insurance people but it's the weekend, and the waiting for proper calling hours is eating me bit by bit. I also feel guilty for bringing down the mood while I was with said friend.
4.) Because of the threat to fire me from my job, I'm am TERRIFIED OUT OF MY MIND IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS. It's a super easy part-time job that hasn't taught me any particular skills so I have nothing to bring to the table if I want another job. Now, I do want another job that makes me independent, but I am out and out scared of the very thought of looking for a job, much less applying to one. My job scope is limited because I'm desperate for a work-from-home job and I'm scared of driving, especially on the freeway, talking even to people that I know, my past work-related embarrassments, and I have zero particular skills to offer any industry. Bonus: Recently I've put up an resume on a job searching site (one of the very few that doesn't charge you or ask for information I'm not comfortable giving out online), and now I'm also scared of getting notifications even though the chances are extremely low.
5.) I feel ashamed that I'm still living at home with my parents and no hope of ever becoming independent, which I will have to be at some point because they won't live forever. Everyone around me is going through great life changes (having kids, getting married, graduating community college, etc.), and each time I hear about such things I feel like I'm such a useless, lazy coward. Bonus: It doesn't help that I have a grandmother who's becoming increasingly worried that I'm single and is convinced I'll die, become homeless, become an elderly guy's trophy wife, etc. if I'm not married by age 40.
6.) The friend I mentioned above is going through a pregnancy scare. I'm trying to be supportive but dealing with my own problems makes me want to run from hers. Bonus: She gave me a somewhat descriptive telling of how the scare happened, and now I can't get rid of vague images of her aroused husband and her having very safe sex, even though I DON'T WANT IT THE HELL IN MY HEAD. I almost can't even picture fictional characters in a romantic setting because of this.
7.) I have a small number of odd feelings in different parts of my body, half of which turned out to be just a need for more fiber in my diet and a need to stretch the muscles around my chest. However last year I forced myself through a doctor visit, followed by a few months of having my anxiety levels spike every week as I was notified/sent to different strange places to different strange people for different strange tests, and half my family either refusing to shut up and stop spewing random medical facts, or maintaining their dismissive attitude of my anxiety. It ended with a call telling me what my problem was and that I had to get surgery, which was later nope-d by the surgeon himself because it would actually make my health worse and my condition wasn't bothering me at all. Now any oddity scares me and I don't want to go through the constant terror again even though I know going to the doctor will put it all to rest. Bonus: This was followed by six months of terror at the dentist. A new problem with my teeth kept cropping up to the point where I almost cried and thought my body was breaking down/terrorizing me on purpose. I've been good for a while now, but I'm still terrified of my bi-annual cleaning appointments because that's usually when a new problem is discovered.
8.) I realize what my problems are and what I need to do to reach my ideal life, but the mere thought alone paralyzes my mind. I'm just scared, scared, scared, and I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone, I fear/angrily loathe people who tell me things like 'get over it', and right now I just want to cry it all out (not literally, as I'm strangely dry-eyed with most of these situations). I feel like I'm on a ticking time bomb because I'm getting older and that just increases the embarrassment level. Looking at my capabilities and interests, I don't feel like a grown adult at all.
There's just no area of my life where I'm at ease. None at all.
1.) Relative from a foreign country coming to stay with us for a month. Even with relatives that speak English, I always pull my disappearing act whenever they come over and hide until they're gone. Bonus: The relative is 17 years old while I'm 30. Anyone younger than me by some years has always been strangely intimidating as I have ZERO IDEA how to talk to them.
2.) I may or may have not made a mistake at work. The mistake in question is in my jurisdiction, but I have no idea how it could have happened. Boss of my boss has reamed me out about it, threatening to fire me. Bonus: The boss of my boss is my mother. I'm currently at home (it's my day off) waiting for everyone to come home and get reamed out in person.
3.) Following a stressful drive to a strange place (my highly energetic friend was directing me using her phone but was mainly busy trying to fix her GPS, which wouldn't show her current location, so her directions were given very last second), I made two mistakes in a mall parking lot: Cut off another car without knowing until they honked, then accidentally scraped a parked car. With the latter, the owner of said car is acting calm and even thanked me for my honesty in leaving a note while others wouldn't, but it's still very stressful for me. Bonus: I still have to talk to the insurance people but it's the weekend, and the waiting for proper calling hours is eating me bit by bit. I also feel guilty for bringing down the mood while I was with said friend.
4.) Because of the threat to fire me from my job, I'm am TERRIFIED OUT OF MY MIND IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS. It's a super easy part-time job that hasn't taught me any particular skills so I have nothing to bring to the table if I want another job. Now, I do want another job that makes me independent, but I am out and out scared of the very thought of looking for a job, much less applying to one. My job scope is limited because I'm desperate for a work-from-home job and I'm scared of driving, especially on the freeway, talking even to people that I know, my past work-related embarrassments, and I have zero particular skills to offer any industry. Bonus: Recently I've put up an resume on a job searching site (one of the very few that doesn't charge you or ask for information I'm not comfortable giving out online), and now I'm also scared of getting notifications even though the chances are extremely low.
5.) I feel ashamed that I'm still living at home with my parents and no hope of ever becoming independent, which I will have to be at some point because they won't live forever. Everyone around me is going through great life changes (having kids, getting married, graduating community college, etc.), and each time I hear about such things I feel like I'm such a useless, lazy coward. Bonus: It doesn't help that I have a grandmother who's becoming increasingly worried that I'm single and is convinced I'll die, become homeless, become an elderly guy's trophy wife, etc. if I'm not married by age 40.
6.) The friend I mentioned above is going through a pregnancy scare. I'm trying to be supportive but dealing with my own problems makes me want to run from hers. Bonus: She gave me a somewhat descriptive telling of how the scare happened, and now I can't get rid of vague images of her aroused husband and her having very safe sex, even though I DON'T WANT IT THE HELL IN MY HEAD. I almost can't even picture fictional characters in a romantic setting because of this.
7.) I have a small number of odd feelings in different parts of my body, half of which turned out to be just a need for more fiber in my diet and a need to stretch the muscles around my chest. However last year I forced myself through a doctor visit, followed by a few months of having my anxiety levels spike every week as I was notified/sent to different strange places to different strange people for different strange tests, and half my family either refusing to shut up and stop spewing random medical facts, or maintaining their dismissive attitude of my anxiety. It ended with a call telling me what my problem was and that I had to get surgery, which was later nope-d by the surgeon himself because it would actually make my health worse and my condition wasn't bothering me at all. Now any oddity scares me and I don't want to go through the constant terror again even though I know going to the doctor will put it all to rest. Bonus: This was followed by six months of terror at the dentist. A new problem with my teeth kept cropping up to the point where I almost cried and thought my body was breaking down/terrorizing me on purpose. I've been good for a while now, but I'm still terrified of my bi-annual cleaning appointments because that's usually when a new problem is discovered.
8.) I realize what my problems are and what I need to do to reach my ideal life, but the mere thought alone paralyzes my mind. I'm just scared, scared, scared, and I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone, I fear/angrily loathe people who tell me things like 'get over it', and right now I just want to cry it all out (not literally, as I'm strangely dry-eyed with most of these situations). I feel like I'm on a ticking time bomb because I'm getting older and that just increases the embarrassment level. Looking at my capabilities and interests, I don't feel like a grown adult at all.
There's just no area of my life where I'm at ease. None at all.
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