brittamber
New Member
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2020
- Messages
- 2
- Reaction score
- 3
Hello-
I have never joined an online community, this is a step for me in *safely* (somehow the presence of being anonymous here helps) admitting I have a problem.
This past weekend I finally came to the conclusion that I need to seek support for my anxiety.
I think it started in 2015 when a series of traumatic events happened, including a violent break-in in my home and my dog passing away unexpectedly, and then starting my second university degree. In 2016 I started having panic attacks for the first time and dealt with them on my own. In 2017 things seemed to calm down, but in 2018 my anxiety got worse and I think perhaps some depression started to creep in with feelings of being a burden and my sense of self deteriorating. By August I had finished my an intensive internship, graduated with my degree and wrote my board exam, started my masters degree and then my partner of 3.5 years broke up with me very unexpectedly (really, I thought he was about to propose but it turned out differently). In 2019 I moved back into my family home, started my career working in my profession and found out about a 40 year family secret that essentially blew my family apart.
Sometimes I look back and think "of course I am anxious, these are all normal things to be anxious about!", I talk myself out of this really being a problem, I put the blame on myself and how poorly I am coping. But this past weekend I saw it all differently, feelings that have emerged from the events that I have been through and the anxiety isn't lessening, its getting worse. I have night sweats, chest pains, I wake up and within about 20 mins my heart is fluttering (this morning it feels like I have run a marathon), I create work for myself because I am restless, and then I beat myself up for not being able to concentrate on what I have tasked myself with. I get agitated easily and am irritable. When the anxiety is really bad my body shakes and I am jumpy/on edge, and I can go to the bathroom up to nine times in one morning (I have not had a normal BM since August of 2018...) My social anxiety is bad, I worry about judgement from others, embarrassment of being where I am in life compared to my friends. I often cancel plans or work very hard to ensure I am in control of the environment. I tend to do the same things over and over again because it is safe. Of course there have been good moments, sometimes I am driven to get out of this heavy place and I do great things, but its always there... this feeling of doom, something bad could happen at any time.
Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment to finally get some help with this. I also pulled out my yoga mat so it is visible for me to use, made a gym schedule with my cousin and reached out to some friends. I also just withdrew from my masters, accepting that right now isn't the right place and time for me to be doing more school (it's been almost 9 years of non-stop schooling... I am very passionate about my career) BUT I want to be in a better place within myself, for myself, so that my life outside of my career is fulfilling and comfortable.
I just wanted to reach out to a community of people who are also experiencing anxiety, so I can have some allies, so we can support each other.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Take care.
B
I have never joined an online community, this is a step for me in *safely* (somehow the presence of being anonymous here helps) admitting I have a problem.
This past weekend I finally came to the conclusion that I need to seek support for my anxiety.
I think it started in 2015 when a series of traumatic events happened, including a violent break-in in my home and my dog passing away unexpectedly, and then starting my second university degree. In 2016 I started having panic attacks for the first time and dealt with them on my own. In 2017 things seemed to calm down, but in 2018 my anxiety got worse and I think perhaps some depression started to creep in with feelings of being a burden and my sense of self deteriorating. By August I had finished my an intensive internship, graduated with my degree and wrote my board exam, started my masters degree and then my partner of 3.5 years broke up with me very unexpectedly (really, I thought he was about to propose but it turned out differently). In 2019 I moved back into my family home, started my career working in my profession and found out about a 40 year family secret that essentially blew my family apart.
Sometimes I look back and think "of course I am anxious, these are all normal things to be anxious about!", I talk myself out of this really being a problem, I put the blame on myself and how poorly I am coping. But this past weekend I saw it all differently, feelings that have emerged from the events that I have been through and the anxiety isn't lessening, its getting worse. I have night sweats, chest pains, I wake up and within about 20 mins my heart is fluttering (this morning it feels like I have run a marathon), I create work for myself because I am restless, and then I beat myself up for not being able to concentrate on what I have tasked myself with. I get agitated easily and am irritable. When the anxiety is really bad my body shakes and I am jumpy/on edge, and I can go to the bathroom up to nine times in one morning (I have not had a normal BM since August of 2018...) My social anxiety is bad, I worry about judgement from others, embarrassment of being where I am in life compared to my friends. I often cancel plans or work very hard to ensure I am in control of the environment. I tend to do the same things over and over again because it is safe. Of course there have been good moments, sometimes I am driven to get out of this heavy place and I do great things, but its always there... this feeling of doom, something bad could happen at any time.
Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment to finally get some help with this. I also pulled out my yoga mat so it is visible for me to use, made a gym schedule with my cousin and reached out to some friends. I also just withdrew from my masters, accepting that right now isn't the right place and time for me to be doing more school (it's been almost 9 years of non-stop schooling... I am very passionate about my career) BUT I want to be in a better place within myself, for myself, so that my life outside of my career is fulfilling and comfortable.
I just wanted to reach out to a community of people who are also experiencing anxiety, so I can have some allies, so we can support each other.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Take care.
B
