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Feeling strange

Howlingvapor

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Feb 23, 2019
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Don’t know why, but lately I’ve felt strange. I’ve always been awkward, but recently I’ve been either worse or more aware of it. I feel socially inept for some reason. I’ve had a lot more weird conversations and awkward silences. I don’t feel like myself and I’ve been forcing to interact with people more since I’ve been trying to heal from the breakup and I know socializing helps with the depression, but my anxiety is through the roof. It’s like I leave every interaction now telling myself “why did I say that?” “I’m an idiot!” “Wtf was that?”

There’s a girl I like in one of my classes and I want to talk to her, but I’m afraid to show my interest. I don’t know if she even knows me well enough to feel the same. She followed me on Instagram out of the blue, which doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but it shows she’s at least interested in me as a friend I guess. I always do this whenever I like someone, I avoid showing that I like them as anything more than a friend because I’m afraid of rejection. It’s just so hard to talk to people when you’re afraid of everything. It’s hard to make friends or do anything when your mind is running a million miles an hour.

I’m trying so hard to socialize so I can beat this depression, but it’s really difficult. I’m afraid if I don’t do it I’ll keep finding myself in that hole. Every once in a while I feel the depression come on and it scares me every time. I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts for a while and I’ve overall been doing much better lately. I’ve been applying myself more and it’s felt pretty good. I even went through the trouble of creating custom prop weapons for my stage combat class and I’ve even bothered to actually do some homework.

My entire life I’ve felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I always feel out of place and weird wherever I am. I feel like an alien sometimes. I wonder if it’s the anxiety or something else. Something that just makes me incapable of even pretending to be normal. It’s just been really bad lately and sometimes I wonder if it’s all in my head or if everyone feels the same way. I keep so distant from everyone. No one invites me to parties or dinners or weddings or anything really and I don’t blame them, because they don’t know me and I don’t know them. I don’t know how to know them honestly. The only people I’m on that level of closeness with are friends I’ve known since kindergarten, but I notice that half the “best friends” so to speak in my social circle have only known each other for less than a year. So how is it that I’ve missed out on deeper friendships this long?

How do I make friends or ask someone out? How do I be a normal person? I want it so goddamn bad sometimes. To just be normal, I get that our differences make us who we are and all, but what I wouldn’t give to just be normal and not run away from every potential friend or lover that doesn’t just fall into my lap by mistake or chance. I just want to talk to someone and leave the conversation without having to beat myself up over it. I feel closed off emotionally. I feel like nobody cares or does want anymore to do with me than they have to. I always feel as though everyone secretly hates me no matter what situation I’m in.

Am I alone on this? Does anyone else have this problem? Or am I as a bad as I think I am?


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RobbyH

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Apr 4, 2019
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I have been married so long that I have no concept of the dating world so I may be real old school on what i am about to tell you LOL. i know my kids "dated' differently than I did when I was their age so I am probably out of touch.

You say you have class with her and she has followed you on instagram so obviously she knows who you are and has some kind of interest - even if it is as friends. Those two things has already opened up the opportunity to strike up a conversation even though I know it is difficult. is there a way you might could ask her a question about something in the class - maybe something you are studying and ask her about maybe some notes you missed or something? This would open up a conversation without it being awkward. Then maybe if that goes ok, you might suggest studying together for an exam or something so you all get to "hang out" without it being a social engagement per se.

Just an idea from an old married man LOL
 
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