Feeling self conscious

[Toasthead]

So for starters I’m doing much better now than last week before I sought out help. My mentor has really taken me under his wing and has helped me navigate my mental health. Him and his wife have been extremely good to me and I can’t thank them enough, but my anxiety is making me self conscious about around them even though they haven’t given me any real reason to be. As far as I can tell and from what they themselves have told me, they love being around me and honestly couldn’t believe that I would ever want to end my own life, so much so that even though they barely new me they dropped everything to help me through this difficult time in my life. They’ve shown me love I really don’t deserve and kindness I’ll never be able to repay. I’m constantly worried about bothering them or overstepping boundaries, or telling jokes that might offend them. Even though my mentor has probably the darkest sense of humor of any church worship leader I’ve ever met, I mean I’m a stand up comic with a dirty mind and a mouth like a sailor and he’s even made me blush, so I have no reason to believe I will ever offend him and yet I worry about it constantly. They also constantly tell me that they’re always available to talk and that their home is always open to me, yet I’m always afraid of overstaying my welcome or bothering them with my stupid problems constantly. I just feel bad sometimes when I’m sure this guy is busy with work or family or church and I’m calling him to cry about my friend that moved away and rant about the deli manager that complained about me at work.

An important thing to note is that my mentor is a former addict that’s currently in a 12 step program, he’s been through a lot of what I’ve been going through and worse and yet he’s still helping me. I keep expecting him to scoff and tell me I’m overreacting and that my problems aren’t real even though he has never once indicated that he feels that way, in fact he’s actually validated a lot of my experiences. Another thing is that because he’s a former addict I’ve been really paranoid about smoking cannabis and drinking. I was already not much of a drinker before, but I use cannabis to help with my insomnia, depression, and anxiety. I try not to use it as an escape from my problems, but sometimes it’s the only way to calm my mind enough to fall asleep or feel energized enough to not just lie in bed all day feeling like death. He has to avoid weed because it makes him want to do other, much more dangerous substances and he’s even told me that he actually doesn’t have any major problem with other people doing it especially for medicinal use, he literally said he’d rather someone smoke weed than drink themselves to death or take antidepressants. Even though him and I have completely different responses to weed and alcohol I’ve been feeling guilty every time I take an edible to fall asleep or have literally just 1 beer at a party. I mean honestly I’ve considered quitting alcohol entirely anyway, I mean I’m already there basically and I really don’t think it’s something I need in my life while I’m battling this. However, cannabis isn’t just a recreational substance for me it’s literally the only way I can sleep some nights and the few nights I’ve gone without it lately I’ve had some intense nightmares and terrible insomnia. I just can’t shut my brain off for the night without it sometimes. I don’t even use it as much as I used to because the one stoner friend I had moved away to join some freakin cult family in Florida and I honestly don’t see myself ever repairing the relationship which is a whole other can of worms.

I just hate that I never feel comfortable being myself even around people that love the real me and want to see more of him and have literally said that to my face. Like these people are amazing and yet my brain is dead set on finding a reason why I don’t belong and should just go back to being alone and I hate it. I end up having to ignore my own thoughts and worries because I can’t trust myself as a judge of character. I make assumptions without any logical basis and carry on as though they were fact. Why can’t I just trust people? I hate that I’m hyper analyzing everything and assuming the worst of every situation, but I guess it’s what I’m good at. I feel guilty for even having these worries because they’ve been so good to me, but I literally can’t turn them off.


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[Anna70]

I am glad you found your mentor and his wife to help you. They sound like good people. Trust is something I have trouble with so I do understand your worries. Just be yourself and do not overthink.

 

[Toasthead]

I am glad you found your mentor and his wife to help you. They sound like good people.

They are great people, they care so much and act like they owe me one even though, considering the path I was on I’m not sure I would’ve made it another week. In other words they may have literally saved my life in a way. When I finally built up the courage to talk to them about this after weeks of my friend telling me I should talk to them, I was in a really dark place, I was a castaway clutching a hunk of wreckage and trying not to drown. I was probably one or two bad days away from going through with killing myself. I just felt like all the work I had put into getting healthier didn’t amount to anything and that I was only getting worse so I reached a point where I felt like “why bother?” I was convinced that no matter how hard I tried I’d always be this way and never get better. I felt like I was worthless, a broken thing beyond repair that should’ve been thrown away a long time ago. I have to admit that even as recently as last Sunday at church I really wasn’t 100% sure if I had any real worth. In fact part of me felt like maybe I’m subconsciously making up all these problems for attention and that my feelings weren’t real, which I’ve learned is a poisonous thought that keeps us from seeking help. My mentor brought me back to church and I’m happy to say I came back today and I think I’m going to go every Sunday.

I’ve been working hard to get better, it’s been a slow process so far, but I feel better now than I did a week ago and that’s all that matters to me. Before calling my mentor that first night, I had kept the demons at bay, but I wasn’t out of the woods, I was still trying to go it alone. I was in so much pain and I didn’t know if there’d ever be a light at the end of that tunnel, I assumed I’d always feel that way even though it’s always been temporary. I still can’t believe I had become so diluted by my own doubts that I thought killing myself would be easier than asking for help, that there was no point in asking for help because I’d just end up exactly where I started eventually.

I’m sorry I turned this response into a page of emotional word vomit, but I’ve still not quite accepted that I almost died by my own hand, it literally feels like that was a different person. I’m still learning how to forgive myself I guess and it’s been hard to not let it feed into my negative thoughts. It just sucks knowing how screwed up your behavior is and not being able to help it. It sucks that I’m so bad at dealing with hardship that the moment anything major changes I start thinking about downing a bottle of pills or driving my car off a bridge and have to call people and worry everybody. Sometimes I just feel like a burden to everyone who has the goodness in their hearts to help me. It’s part of why it’s so hard for me to seek help in the first place. Because I know that the moment you open up to someone about suicidal thoughts they immediately feel this obligation to you because they don’t want your blood on their hands. I mean right now I really don’t have many friends outside of my mentors so if they were to reject me I’d have no one and so no matter what they tell me I’m always going to have that doubt in the back of my mind. I’m always going to wonder if I’m really annoying them and they’re just too nice to say anything because they know I’m fragile right now.

I feel such an obligation to get better (as I should) that I’m stressing about finding another therapist as soon as possible, but there’s a shortage of therapists accepting new patients because of covid. So I’m worried that if I don’t find professional help soon they’ll get sick of my crap eventually. I hate feeling like a burden, I’m basically an emotional cripple that needs help with everything most people take in stride and I feel weak because of it.

Why do I mentally punish myself like this every time someone tries to help me? I can never just accept that maybe just maybe people like having me around and that they aren’t just trying to keep me from offing myself for the warm fuzzies. I hate being like this so much, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way, but it’s all I know.


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[Anna70]

You can go online to chat with a therapist rather than in person. So you can find one like you normally would pre-pandemic and then they will set up the online sessions until you are able to visit in person.

Going to church weekly is a great idea. You will meet new people and feel less alone.