Howlingvapor
Active Member
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2019
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Ever since last night when I got some closure with my ex I’ve been feeling sad again off and on. I don’t want to call it depression just yet because it comes and goes so frequently and it’s less of a general state and more of a moment to moment thing if that makes any sense. Now that I understand the relationship ending wasn’t my fault and that she’s trying to become a better person and that she’s sorry for how she treated me, it makes me sad to know that she and I can never be together again. Because if she had just had this turn around when we were together we may have been able to stay together.
What makes me sad now is that it feels more like a death than a breakup. When someone you love hurts you and leaves the anger makes the loss easier to cope with, but when you lose someone you love to their own demons and can no longer trust them no matter how much they change it’s so much harder. I feel lost again, not as intensely as before, but still lost. This sadness is much different than what I felt before. When I was depressed it was directed inward, I felt like I was a failure in some way, like I had done something wrong and that’s why this happened. But this sadness is directed outward, it’s a feeling of losing something you cared about forever with no hope of ever getting it back. That’s why I’m not calling it depression, because it isn’t based in self hatred or doubt. I guess both could probably be defined as depression, but whatever I don’t know.
I guess this is what normal people experience when they lose someone. Not blaming themselves or someone else, but being genuinely sad because you lost someone to circumstances you couldn’t control and accepting it’s not your fault. I guess this is healthier, but I’m still sad, I’m tearing up a little bit as I’m typing this honestly. I haven’t cried over this break up in weeks.
Just curious if anyone out there thinks this is a step back or a step forward. Because when I talk through it, it sounds like a step forward, but it feels like a step backwards because before I felt motivated to show her up by living my life, but now I just feel sadness, empty, blameless sadness. I’m hoping I’ll feel better soon. Also no suicidal thoughts this time if anyone’s worried, the pain isn’t as intense as when I was having those.
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What makes me sad now is that it feels more like a death than a breakup. When someone you love hurts you and leaves the anger makes the loss easier to cope with, but when you lose someone you love to their own demons and can no longer trust them no matter how much they change it’s so much harder. I feel lost again, not as intensely as before, but still lost. This sadness is much different than what I felt before. When I was depressed it was directed inward, I felt like I was a failure in some way, like I had done something wrong and that’s why this happened. But this sadness is directed outward, it’s a feeling of losing something you cared about forever with no hope of ever getting it back. That’s why I’m not calling it depression, because it isn’t based in self hatred or doubt. I guess both could probably be defined as depression, but whatever I don’t know.
I guess this is what normal people experience when they lose someone. Not blaming themselves or someone else, but being genuinely sad because you lost someone to circumstances you couldn’t control and accepting it’s not your fault. I guess this is healthier, but I’m still sad, I’m tearing up a little bit as I’m typing this honestly. I haven’t cried over this break up in weeks.
Just curious if anyone out there thinks this is a step back or a step forward. Because when I talk through it, it sounds like a step forward, but it feels like a step backwards because before I felt motivated to show her up by living my life, but now I just feel sadness, empty, blameless sadness. I’m hoping I’ll feel better soon. Also no suicidal thoughts this time if anyone’s worried, the pain isn’t as intense as when I was having those.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk