Feeling really down

[Howlingvapor]

So I just had a bit of an emotional gut punch today. I did what all people do after a bad breakup to torture themselves. I looked at my ex’s twitter page. Low and behold one of the first things I see is something about her and the other guy. I don’t know what else I was expecting. To be honest I don’t even know why I bothered to look. I guess it was somewhat out of curiosity, but mostly false hope that maybe she wasn’t with him anymore. Not that I’d want to get back with, just because her not being with the old creep that used to hit on her when we were together would’ve made me feel a bit better. But nope! They’re together and apparently happy.

It hurt so much to see her with someone else. It hurt even worse to see her with someone I didn’t even think was a threat. Like how bad am I that she’s dating a 35 year old virgin that talks about banging chicks like a middle schooler bragging to his friends. This guy is a complete and total loser yet she fell in love with him and left me. So what does that say about me? Am I that bad?

She acts like he’s a great guy, but I know this creep and he used to hit on her all the time while she was with me. He literally replied that he wanted to slap her ass when she posted a picture of herself in leggings. He’s a dick! Yet here I am alone while he’s with her. So I guess I must somehow be worse. I get that I’m not Prince Charming, but I’m not that bad or at least I didn’t think I was.

Meanwhile I’m losing tinder matches like crazy, I’m depressed and anxious all the time, I have a dumb job that barely pulls in enough money to pay for gas, and friends my age are light years ahead of me. I just feel like I’m nothing. I hate myself. I’m trying to focus on my accomplishments to help myself out of this, but it’s hard to see the good when you’re in a negative mindset. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Like maybe I’m a bad person or something and just don’t realize it. I don’t know.

I try to be myself, but every time I do people either get annoyed or leave me. I was myself around Marie and now she’s gone. I was myself around my friends sometimes and they got sick of me. So I just keep putting up walls because all the evidence I’ve seen points me to the conclusion that no one will ever love me if I’m myself. Because who I am is always either too much or not enough.

I just feel hopeless right now. I feel worthless and unappreciated. I feel like everyone hates me. I want to get back out there and talk to people but it’s like everyone just avoids me. I’m not a jerk or anything either. I always try to be nice to everyone I meet. I’m really friendly and eager to please, but no ones ever happy with me.

I’m trying to think of positives about myself. I know what they are I can say the words, but I don’t feel the positives or maybe I don’t believe them right now. I’m not suicidal right now surprisingly, I watched some videos about reasons to live and keep repeating some quotes from them every time I feel this way. It’s helped a bit, but I’m still in a lot of pain.

I keep having this fantasy of just really sticking it to my ex. Tell her exactly how much pain she’s put me through and put her down anyway I possibly could. Insult everything I know she’s self conscious of just make her feel bad. Make her cry or doubt herself. But what stops me is the fact I know she has self esteem issues. I know that if I did that I’d become the monster her friends think I am. I know that if I hurt her like that I’d just feel awful for it. As much as I hate her there’s still a part of me that knows it’s not in my nature to make someone feel bad about themselves, especially after what I’ve been through. It’s just really unfair you know? That she just gets to hurt me like this and move on instantly with someone else. I’ve already become a person I barely recognize because of this, I don’t want to lose what’s left of me to pettiness.

I’m so scared that this won’t end, like what if I just keep being sad and alone and push away everyone that ever cared about me. I’m painfully aware of what I’m doing to myself, but it’s so hard to stop. It’s so hard to let others in and heal. I’m really hoping my therapy session tomorrow will help me out of this.

Has anyone out there been through something like this? Does it have an end or does the pain just taper off? I know I’m not alone on this. I know there are people who’ve been through this and came back from it, but I want to know what the road ahead looks like, I want to know if there’s hope.


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[Brad66]

There is hope but you have to create it, it just won't show up and end your misery.Your situation sucks but it's not the worst plenty of people have been in similar situations and I am sure most made it out the other side. Depression tends to lift after time even on it's own but you feel better and more equipt to handle it in the future if you do it yourself.

You need to come up with a plan for your future. Sit down and just think about what you want.

Then write it down. Write what you want to be like in the future, what you want to have, what you want to accomplish, places you want to see, what you want your career to be. Write it down as if everything goes as according to plan and you are writing the story of the "perfect" you. Then write the first step you need to take to start to get there.

Then do the opposite excerise. Think about what you dont want to be. Where you could end up if you don't start heading upward. What that would be like. Basically the worst case scenario you could see yourself getting into.

After you do that decide which is the better alternative. Working hard to reach up towards the good version of yourself or to continue on your current path and slowly descend towards the worst you. The benefit there is there is no work or responsibility to take on to become the worst version of yourself it will just happen if you let it.

The hope is that there is a choice. We are all both of those versions of ourselves. Very few of us will ever reach our perfect version but that is the beautiful thing about it, there is always something we can do to be better! Our work is never done.

You can work your way out of your pit but it starts with small things. You aren't going to wake up one day and just feel better. You have to start on the path. The journey of a million miles starts with one step. Figure out your first step and take it and then go from there. It doesn't matter where you are today just that you end the day better of than you started it. Only compare yourself to yourself.

I am way behind in my life because I spent the later half of my twenties depressed and playing video games all day. If I try to compare myself to those who didn't do that well I am way behind too. But if instead I compare myself now to how I was 10 years ago... I am 70 pounds lighter and at a healthy weight, I am making three times as much money a year, I am back in school and working towards the career I always wanted but was afraid to fail at, and I am married. That sounds a lot better than comparing myself to my peers from high school who own there own houses, have large investments, have families, and have established their careers years ago. But I can't do anything about that now. All I can do is continue to aim up.

 

[Mandyhiero]

Yes, I’ve been through it. When my high school boyfriend went off to college, he cheated on me and that really wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time that I decided I didn’t want to put myself through it again. So we broke up. It was mutual, but I had a really hard time. I went through an eating disorder and everything. It was a really bad time in my life. It went on for about 6 months. I felt hopeless. Then just one day I got up, decided I wasn’t living like that anymore and with the help of my family and doctors I came out of it. We all have doubt in our lives, and wonder if we’re good enough. Still to this day I wonder that from time to time. But you know what, we’re all the same. We may not have the same job, background, schooling, etc. but we’re all made up of the same thing. And when nobody else sees us as anything, God does. I know you said in a past post that you were maybe once a believer in God. Even though you’ve changed, He’s stayed the same. He’s the one constant in my life through every scary thought and situation I’ve ever had. Don’t give up hope. Find someone you trust. Even if it’s the same friend you’ve talked to before. I’m sure if he knew how alone you feel, he would be more than happy to talk to you and help you. Go out to a new church, as hard as it is, and establish a relationship with the people there. Then you will have people to talk to and most importantly have to pray with you and for you. Just get out there and do something. Physically make yourself. I’m in a rut right now too but yesterday I made myself get up and get on with my life. For the first time in a week, I finally had some moments I forgot about everything going on in my head. You can do it too. I think I read in one of your posts that you were going to a doctor today. Hoping that will give you the jump start you need. Just want you to know I’m praying for you, and I mean that with all sincerity. I’ve prayed since the first time I read your post. I pray for a lot of people on here. I may not know everyone by name, but God does and that’s all that matters.
Oh, and after that break up and the many, many more after that, I’ve been happily married for 10 years this June and I have two beautiful girls. Don’t give up. There’s hope. There’s always hope. Even when we can’t see it, it’s there. You just have to believe it.

 

[Howlingvapor]

Thank you all for your advice. I think I’m gonna try and build up my confidence and motivation first by hanging out with friends. It’s been a while since I’ve done that, but I know every time I do I get inspired to do something creative.

I want to start doing constructive things even if they’re small. I think it might help if I start with things that take effort, but are fun and enjoyable like spending time with friends. Then I’ll use the confidence and inspiration from that to do creative things, like writing scripts. Then eventually I want to look for a better job and start paying for all of my expenses instead of just some.

I’m still a young guy with a lot of future ahead of me, but I can’t afford to sit here and wait for this depression to lift by itself. I have to try to do it myself.


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