feeling alone

[Guest]

hiya have you ever felt like no one quite understands why you are socially anxious? its like people expect you to interact with them and when you look away cos your shy they think you dont wanna talk but actually you dont know how to act in that situation.can anyone help?

 

[Bea]

Oh yeah, definitely. Some people mistake your shyness or social anxiety for you being aloof or snobby. It's tough, honestly. What I've done is to use "mating calls" - for lack of a better word. It's always easier to talk to strangers about interests you have in common, so I usually carry with me something that's related to an interest of mine. Maybe a shirt with the name of a band I like, or a book from a series I love, something like that. It's easier for me if other people are the ones approaching me about shared interests, because at least this way I feel like they genuinely want to strike a conversation, and then I don't feel so anxious anymore. (It's different when I'm the one approaching others, because I always think that I'm bothering them and they're just humoring me.)

 

[Alex]

I have some friends who are socially awkward and they do feel lonely, and are shy but more comfortable around people that understand. I think many people who are anxious or depressed feel alone most of the time, even if people are around.


Sometimes it's hard to articulate how you feel to others and it's also too much effort to try and explain something that you don't understand either. I find just being a friend and being able to listen is good enough, to give people the choice to have company or not. These days I don't mind being alone with my thoughts and have learned to cope. Each of us have different reasons for how we feel and why, so even those who have anxiety may not fully understand.

 

[pwarbi]

I would think that it's quite common for people that are socially anxious to be mistaken for being ignorant or shy, but that's mainly because even these days being anxious isn't seen as an actual illness, and people still think that its just a frame of mind. If people don't speak much in public, they are often just either branded as being shy or worse they will be classed as maybe a bit odd, and not worth inviting out but that isn't the case at all.


What I've found that helps, even though I think most of us won't ant people to know we have anxiety issues, if we tell our close friends and relatives they WILL understand and when you are out in public they will stop then expecting you to start a conversation and so will then take the lead. Most of us might be hesitant to start a conversation but are more than capable of joining in one, and then that in itself will help to get our confidence up and make us less anxious.

 

[John Snort]

Something that could also help is by joining a small club. A club with 10 or so members. If none exists then you could talk to a friend and create one. It could be a club for anything: video games, movies, books, your favorite sport — just anything you have in common. This will be a first step in the right direction. Then go a step further . . . learn the art of small talk. It's something anyone can learn. As long as you know what most people talk about, you can start a conversation with anyone and you could talk for hours if you want.

 

[amy88]

Yup...in a world of extroverts (or so it seems) it can feel like having social anxiety means you're just an island alone.


I love what Bea said though about carrying something with you that is something you can talk about if you are in a small talk situation. I find that since I became a parent it's been a lot easier for me, since I feel like I can talk a bit more confidently to other people who have kids now (simple things like oh, how old are your little ones, what year are they in at school).

 

[rootle]

I do feel alone very often, even when I'm surrounded by lots of friends or family. Somehow I feel there are particular conversations and social experiences that I am craving and am unable to get. I often find myself getting distracted from what other people are talking about and it feels like they're just having their own conversations without me. The other problem is that I feel no one has an accurate measure of my personality. Very often people say something about me seems as though they have completely misunderstood what I am like. That bothers me because it feels like no one knows me, they simply know various different versions of me.

 

[Sue]

I definitely feel all alone in this. I was so glad to find this place because even though it is a terrible thing to deal with and I hate to see so many others having the same issues it is nice to know that I am not alone. There are many people on here who understand exactly how I feel. People in my every day life just don't get it. Some of them try to understand it but for the most part people have the attitude that you can just get over it. That i am being silly or that I want attention. The last thing that I want it attention and if there was a way to deal with this then I would. I have tried to explain it to the people who are close to me but they just don't get it. I often feel alone even when I am surrounded by people. I have a hard time fitting in and being part of a group.

 

[janemariesayed]

Where I am living at the moment, I find that a lot of people are understanding of my mental problems. It is only a few people that know, though. The villagers that I don't know so well don't have any idea about my mental state and I wouldn't tell them either for fear of what they may think of me.

 

[pwarbi]

While we're on this subject, I think it's worth pointing out as well that some people who are shy and quiet, are simply just that, shy and quiet, and it's nothing to do with any underlying mental problems. These days it seems that there is more and more focus on mental health issues, and while that is obviously a good thing, I think it's important we don't go too far the other way and think that just because a person may show the signs of suffering from in this case social anxiety, it doesn't mean to say that they do.

One example is that I went out with a few friends one night, and took along a friend that they didn't know. She is a very quiet person and would rather sit there and let other people talk as she's more of a listener. Near the end of the night I got the impression that my other friends were starting to ignore her and I ask one of them what the problem was. "she is hard work"..."she's boring"..."is she suffering from depression or something because she doesn't laugh or joke or anything"...was a couple of the responses I got back and I was absoloutly fuming. This girl is one of the loveliest people you could wish to meet, and just because she is quiet they automatically assumed she had a mental illness such as anxiety or depression because they had been taught that a person who is quiet automatically must have something wrong with them.

I think that goes to show that while it's a good thing that more and more people are becoming aware of mental health issues, it's still important to remember that every person is different, and while we might be armed with more knowledge than ever before on this subject, we can't go around judging people and acting like amateur psychiatrists, labelling people who don't act the way that we want them to.

 

[Bakanyan]

Definitely. Feeling alone is something that I've noticed happens to many people. I believe at one point of life, everybody goes through a phase where they feel isolated. It is not always a bad thing because it is important to give time to yourself but constantly feeling alone sucks. I felt alone when one of my best friends had betrayed me. I couldn't trust anyone for a while and felt all alone in the world. I felt that I'll never have a friend again.

My family and other friends gave me love when I needed it and so I was able to break out of this phase. My recommendation to you would be to find a community with similar likes or basically just a certain group of people that you can talk to easily. Talk to your friends and family. It doesn't have to be a big topic. Just start by a simple 'Hello'. Speak about anything that you're comfortable with. Maybe get a pet and interact with it. Pets are the best for relieving boredom and making you feel like home every place you take them. Hope this helped.

 

[janemariesayed]

My family and other friends gave me love when I needed it and so I was able to break out of this phase. My recommendation to you would be to find a community with similar likes or basically just a certain group of people that you can talk to easily. Talk to your friends and family. It doesn't have to be a big topic. Just start by a simple 'Hello'. Speak about anything that you're comfortable with. Maybe get a pet and interact with it. Pets are the best for relieving boredom and making you feel like home every place you take them. Hope this helped.

Finding a community with the same interests is a great idea for getting back into the social scene and making new friends. I have a few friends but I'm still suffering a bit of agoraphobia yet I don't feel very lonely. I have two dogs and they really make me feel that I am not alone. They get under my feet, charge about the house. I have to think of them, to feed them, walk them, care for their needs and they are there for me to give me hugs whenever I want or need a hug. Getting a pet is the best thing to do to combat loneliness.

 

[misszerable]

I wasn't a popular kid at grade school through high school. Many of my classmates have mistaken my shyness for arrogance. In addition, unlike most of them who can freely go to each other's house after school, I had strict and conservative parents who wanted us to live a house-school-house routine. At this point in my life, I felt alone, misunderstood, and bullied at school.

Everything changed when I went to college and I wasn't tied to a block section. I thrived on the type of environment and interaction where I have different classmates for each subject. That meant I never had to belong to a group or conform to certain standards or protocol. My classmates were also independent, mature, and busy people who have no time to engage on long talks and senseless chats. I maintained anonymity throughout those college years and I was able to focus on my studies. Oh no, I don't really expect people to understand me and my 'idiosyncrasies'. I still don't want to attend parties or join the social groups in my church. However, I don't feel alone anymore. I have my child and my crazy cats and dog. As long as I can make them feel happy, safe, and secure, I'll be fine.

 

[Rosyrain]

I am pretty sure that there are at least a few people that think I am hard to talk to because of my anxiety issues. I am a friendly person, but sometimes struggle to keep a conversation going because I do not know what to say. I feel much more comfortable around people that I have known for a long time, the social awkwardness usually comes with people I do not know very well. I try hard to overcome it and be outgoing but it does not always work.

 

[Sweed1]

I always feel like I am from another planet. I can at times fit in in group settings if I know a few people in the room that I can talk with or sit near so that I can feel a bit more comfortable about being there. I don't like loud noisy events where there is drinking or just loud rough talk, or a room full of total strangers as my anxiety levels increase and I get shy in the sense of talking with people I don't know and can not follow their line of thoughts on unimportant news or events.

It is much easier for me at quiet meetings of fewer people with a friend along to share in the burden of meeting and talking to other people in the room.

 

[Concernedgal]

I always feel like I am from another planet. I can at times fit in in group settings if I know a few people in the room that I can talk with or sit near so that I can feel a bit more comfortable about being there. I don't like loud noisy events where there is drinking or just loud rough talk, or a room full of total strangers as my anxiety levels increase and I get shy in the sense of talking with people I don't know and can not follow their line of thoughts on unimportant news or events.

It is much easier for me at quiet meetings of fewer people with a friend along to share in the burden of meeting and talking to other people in the room.

I know ... Isn't the music the worst . It's right in your ear . The loudness of the music just sends my anxiety into hyperdrive. I don't go out much because of the unknowns. That's what it is too. You never know who your going to talk to or if that person may br a bad person thats out to get you. Sometimes if I havr a few drinks I loosen up a bit however, I don't like to do that either because I can't stand that fact that my judgment would be altered. It'd really difficult for us isn't it? Sometimes I wish I can just say "oh well, whatever will be , will be. " but, that not who I am . The music at parties makes me feel weird. I can't really explain it. Almost like it's an annoyance or something, it really bothers me . I simply cannot tolerate it. Maybe it's because i'm slightly autistic. Aspergers they say. Apparently that another hypothesis my doctors are trying to cone up with. I wish my doctors would make up there minds about me. It's hard not getting an official diagnosis. What's wrong with me? Just tell me already. No treatment has worked for me so far. Ssri are a freaking disaster and the only thing that do work for me like ativan and valium. They simply won't prescribe me. From what I recently found out it is because of my family's prevalence to addiction. . I suppose they just don't want me to go down that road I guess. Anyways. Yes. Big parties do suck. Lol

 

[Hope Matthew1128]

hiya have you ever felt like no one quite understands why you are socially anxious? its like people expect you to interact with them and when you look away cos your shy they think you dont wanna talk but actually you dont know how to act in that situation.can anyone help?

It's okay to feel shy and feel uncomfortable. I do in many occasions. My secret is, I ask questions, not necessarily prying personal questions. But questions that show you are interested in what they are feeling or thinking about relevant issues you are intersted in. First, start with, "How are you?" and be prepared to stay and listen. We never know, people are or might be lonelier that we convince ourselves to be.

 

[Natasha0717]

I always feel shy and nervous around people, but I am GREAT at hiding it. It's a skill my Dad taught me. Everywhere I go, people are friendly to me and they pretty much know me very well, like stores, etc. Mostly because I seem to visit the same stores on a weekly basis. They all make small-talk with me and I go along with them, laugh, I probably seem like the friendliest, carefree gal in the world. But it's only because I've gotten so used to faking it, that I've become a pro and they have no idea how much easier my life would be if I didn't have to communicate at all. I remember being so thrilled when grocery stores came out with the U-Scan lines/self-scan. My first thought was, "Great! Now I don't have to make small-talk with any check-out people." And you can bet I learned how to operate those machines the first day they came out. But other stores where you still have to talk to the clerks face-to-face...they all know me and I still talk and laugh with them. It's all an act. And it can be learned, just takes years and years of practice. To me, it's like I become another person for 5 minutes, like an actress on a soap opera simply rehearsing lines. I'd still prefer to not interact with anyone (that I'm not really familiar with.) I'm only comfortable around my family. IMMEDIATE family. Bigger family events (like weddings) still scare the bejeebers out of me.

There is something called "Schizoid Personality Type"...this group of individuals simply cannot and will not break out of their shells to talk to others. You could look into that if you want, I'm not saying that's what you have, but you won't feel so alone when you see how they live their lives. They are very kind-hearted people, just misunderstood because of their lack of communication skills. Part of it is being shy, but the other part is being completely satisfied not having any interaction with others, at all. Very interesting group, I study a lot about this personality type because I happen to know a true Schizoid and he is one of the nicest guys in the whole world. But you sure wouldn't know it just by meeting him. No way. Check it out sometime/Google it...you'll see what I mean.

 

[Concernedgal]

That's our lives sometimes.... faking it. We fake it when we smile, we fake it when we laugh. I know what you mean when you say living a soap opera. You pretend your ok and your really not. Your not ok. Your scared, insecure and all you want to do is stay home and be left alone. It's not like you don't want to go out and do things or be normal like everybody else because that's what we want more than anything. I can't go to big box stores or to a club or bar. I can't have a life because of the prospect of having a panic attack. They are severely uncomfortable and u avoid at all costs. I can't keep feeling like i'm dying and that I can take a deep breath. I can't keep doing this. I had a panic attack at work today. It lasted about 30 minutes but, I got through it. But, I didn't do anything to bring it on but, then again.... who does? I hate how they just pop up how they do.