Fear of intimacy?

[Luna Gomez]

Hi everyone. It is the first time that I post in a forum like this so I hope it helps a little

I arrived here thanks to a youtube channel that recommended internet forums, and it was a video about overthinking and intimacy issues.

I am 20 years old and never been in a relationship before. At first I thought I just had high expectations and that I did not see anyone interesting in my class. (Once I met someone interesting but I just blew him off when he started to tell me he liked me a lot). Then, when I arrived at university, I did have crushes on men but I did not date anyone.

Therefore, I started to think that maybe I was lesbian or bisexual or asexual and that is why I could not connect with any guy. The thing is that I have never had any type of romantic or sexual attraction towards girls but I tried to convince myself that this was the problem. I have been thinking this for months but now, when I have experienced again attraction towards a guy I questioned everything again. I have a second date with a guy now though, and I started to feel anxious and all the doubts are coming back (with anxiety) but I saw this video about intimacy and stuff and I started to think that maybe this is what happens to me...

Sorry for the rant

 

[Cuchculan]

Until you get involved with a person, there will always be those questions. Then you watch a video and it adds something extra into your thinking. Some people just don't do the whole relationship thing. If the person has anxiety issues, it might maker it harder for them to get involved. Because we are so used to our own little ways. Doing things in our own time. No pressure on us. We might look at involvement as changing all of that and wonder do we want it to change? Or can we manage the change.

A lot of people ask questions of themselves when it comes to sexuality. Especially at a certain age in life. That is all normal. But you know what you like and what you don't like.

You simply could be just questioning if you are able for a relationship. Can you handle it. Those sorts of things,. Only one way to find out. First one might not work out. But you will learn from it. What you liked and what you didn't like. Things that could have been handled in a different way. Love and life is all about learning. And we learn as we go along. Might take a few mistakes along the way. But twenty years from now you will be still learning.

Just try and go with the flow. No pressure at all. Be yourself. See where it takes you.

 

[Luna Gomez]

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot. The thing is that I have never gone to an especialist or anything so I don't know if I suffer/have suffered from anxiety...

what I do know is that I overthink everything in my life and I need constant reassurance on what I believe to know (like for instance that I am straight, that I do not have any problem, that I do not need relationships). So it is really difficult for me to just "go with the flow" when it comes to relationships. I get very overwhelmed when the other person tells me that he likes me and I immediately freeze and feel anxious.

and I am really scared of not being able to handle a relationship... I'm scared I cannot love properly anyone, that these doubts will never leave and I will never have a healthy relationship...I know it sounds depressive and stuff, sorry about that, I just need to get these feelings out

thanks!! Lots of love

 

[Cuchculan]

When you let the mind take control of things it can run riot. People with anxiety can make themselves believe they have various things wrong with them. The mind tells them so. They might feel a tweek or a twinge. That is all the mind needs. But there are various types of anxiety.

You seem to like to think things over and over in your mind. Maybe before you do things or after you have done them. Did you do it right. Did you make any mistakes. did you look stupid or say anything stupid. We do get people like this. They can live their life in the mind. Bit like hitting play back on a DVD and going over everything again. They might have anticipatory anxiety. In the build up to things.

Just a suggestion. Maybe try the whole online thing first. You don't have to meet the person. Maybe just a bit of chat here and there. Might make you feel confident. Because that is one thing you seem to be lacking in when it comes to love and relationship. If you could just sort that part out, it would be a good start.

Therapy is always another option. To get some feedback from an expert. Might give you some goals that you can set for yourself. Small things. To help you improve in certain areas of your life. Only you can decide on your next steps.

 

[Joshua1]

Therefore, I started to think that maybe I was lesbian or bisexual or asexual and that is why I could not connect with any guy. The thing is that I have never had any type of romantic or sexual attraction towards girls but I tried to convince myself that this was the problem. I have been thinking this for months but now, when I have experienced again attraction towards a guy I questioned everything again. I have a second date with a guy now though, and I started to feel anxious and all the doubts are coming back (with anxiety) but I saw this video about intimacy and stuff and I started to think that maybe this is what happens to me...

If you are attracted to someone, do not let your anxiety allow you to get rid of the relationship you have or had. I do not think you are gay but that there are insecurities you may have. I can assume it stems from your past. If there is no intimacy in the relationship if will fall apart, partnerships are extremely rewarding but at the same time it takes a lot of work to make them work. You have to compromise and work on it. Good luck.