Fear of intimacy

[Guest]

I don't like people touching me. Of course what I want is the direct opposite I'm not not quite sure why this is. I have been close to people(girls I mean- I'm a bloke!) and had full on relationships I've just always felt uncomfortable.They tend to be very intense relationships when they happen so I guess that I'm afraid of things going awry and getting hurt. I don't really know. Anyone any ideas?

 

[shcoo]

It takes a lot of trust to let someone into your personal space like that. Maybe you need a stronger friendship foundation with them first and move slowly - instead of the "intense level" - so you can totally trust them before things reach any physical level. On the other hand, maybe touch is a trigger from some trauma that happened in your childhood. Have you explored that in therapy yet?

 

[Jemina]

I dislike people touching me unless I know them really well. If someone has to touch me (think, a doctor for example) I end up feeling sick and winding myself up long before the appointment actually happens. And often it's not as bad as I thought anyway. I just get worked up about things like that. I do know what has caused it with me and I try to work through that though. I've been able to have relationships with people in the past, and thankfully they were fairly understanding about things most of the time. Spending time with the person and taking things slowly definitely seems to help me. The more time you can spend with that person (even texting them or talking to them on the phone) seems to make it better for me.

 

[cecejailer]

I don't feel bad exactly when people touch me, but I'm super scared of getting into serious relationships and losing my personal space. For example, my current boyfriend wants to move in with me and I really don't want him to because 1. we tried before and it was terrible, 2. i like being alone. i like not leaving the house. I hate it when people make me feel bad for not wanting to leave the house. I have a problem, yes, and I'm taking care of it, but that doesn't mean I'll suddenly be able to do things that scare me. I also have a problem with sex, it takes me a lot to get turned on, I almost feel like I avoid it.

 

[John Snort]

This is something you'll need to let yourself do more often in order to lose that feeling of repulsion when someone touches you frog. As the people you love will want to hold you, a reaction of any sort even flinching when they touch you will probably send the wrong message — that their touch disgusts you. Learn to trust those who love you and actually be the one to make the first move to touch the other person. When you are in control, there'll be fewer nasty surprises.

 

[joshposh]

Interesting as I had been diagnosed with intimacy issues. I had a close friend that has a background in psycho analyzing people. Most it did come from my past with being hurt by people that were close to me. My mom wasn't a very good one. With that came a life time of being at arms length to most of the women in my life. I'm very reserved in relationships, and I too don't like being touched. So I know what you are talking about. Look in your past and you will find the answers.

 

[kelden]

I don't have too much problem with casual physical contact as long as It not annoys me. But intimacy is a different case, when you intimate with people, I feel uncomfortable because I have to reveal everything even my flaws as much as the person too. And that thought makes me restless.

 

[Ashley0323]

I used to be like this. Eight years ago when I first got with my fiance, I didnt really feel all too comfortable with intimacy. Once we got to know each other better, and he started to become part of my daily life, included in my daily routine, and I felt connected to him, and felt he really knew me, as I knew him.. etc.. Once we made it to that point, I have never really had this issue since.

 

[Aree Wongwanlee]

I don't have any problems with being intimate. It's just a simple matter of who I am intimate with. Obviously, I am not comfortable with being touchy-feely with just any Tom, Dick or Harry. I am a man but, even if girls or women get touchy-feely with me, I would look askance at them. Probably this has something to do with my society. Here, we are brought up to keep our hands to ourselves. Only good friends get in touch physically with each other. Even for people who are married to each other, public displays of affection is not encouraged. It's something which is considered private. In the privacy of our bedrooms, everything goes.

 

[Panic57]

I'm not sure if I have an intimacy problem but I've always been really reserved about how close I get to people in general. I don't mind that casual handshake since mom made me practice as a child how to do it properly. But I don't enjoy casually touching and hugging that most girls my age seem to enjoy with their friends. I'm afraid to get into their personal space and make them uncomfortable and I don't usually enjoy it. It feels awkward. It's really strange because I came from an affectionate family. My mom still kisses me on the cheek and hugs me. But I moved around a lot as a kid, so friends one year could completely change the next. So I wonder if I just don't get attached enough to people that touching becomes awkward to me. On some level I don't think they'll be around long enough in my life.

 

[hades_leae]

I agree with you, I don't like people touching me, even girls I'm really attracted to. There is just so much physical contact these days, even the small stuff like bumping in a friendly way, I get irritated because I don't want the thinking they are comfortable enough around me to do those things.


I had one woman wrap her arm around my waist as we were walking, she must've thought I was cool enough with her to let her do that, but if it was the other way around, I would've got some sexual harassment charge.


I love physical intimacy, it feels really good to connect with one person on that level, just the affection alone is what makes me feel really good. You shouldn't feel negative about that, just prioritize the type of people you would be comfortable around physically, and don't hesitate to tell others not to touch you, but don't be a jerk about it.

 

[pwarbi]

I've never had a problem with intimacy but I think that's because I've always been maybe a little too cautious with who I trust, as over the years it hasn't been that many. For me, trust is the biggest part of any kind of relationship and if you have been let down in the past then it's understandable that you may not be all that forthcoming in letting people in and trusting them again. Also when it comes to being intimate, unless you have 100% trust and faith in that person, then its all too often going to be a difficult hurdle to overcome but with a bit of work it can be done.

 

[DylanRowan]

I don't let anyone touch me, and I don't touch anyone. This is because I there were times that I felt the urge to assault someone (this was a problem I had around a 2 years ago). I wanted to touch someone so desperately in any way no matter who it was. I don't remember why I had that. I never told anyone, and I realized I had to fix this. I ended up focusing on what I was doing, and I never tried touching or putting a hand on someone's shoulder. With all of this, I ended up having this thread's fear of intimacy. I have it because I don't want my urges to explode infront of other people.

 

[kgord]

I think this is a very common one for people, probably men in particular. SOme people let people touch them, but they will not emotionally let their guard down enough to let other people in. I just think this is something that has been widely written about, and is a phenonmenon that exists with many people. I think just breaking this down bit by bit and taking baby steps is the way to get past this kind of phobia.

 

[Sue]

I have a niece who does not like to be hugged. She is a teenager now but when she was a little girl she would stiffen right up when you when to went hug. She never hugged back. She always was uncomfortable with the physical contact. She is the same way now. The younger nieces and nephews will hug her and she just stands there and lets them hug her but she will never hug them back. Not sure why she is like that but I know a few people in the family who are the same way.

 

[x0xLikeMex0x]

I think I have a fear of intimacy too. In the past 21 years I've been on this Earth, I've only had one online-relationship and one fake-relationship with one of my best friends. So that means no real or serious relationships. Whenever a guy hits on me, I tend to push them away and I don't know why. My "excuse" for myself is that I don't have time for a relationship or even for myself. I'm afraid if I keep on going that way, I'll end up as a lonely old lady with 10 cats.

 

[Novelangel]

Well, not every member of the human race is ready for intimacy at the same age. Some people get into serious relationships at age 18 or so, while others, such as myself, wait a lot longer. I didn't find my husband until we were both in our 40's. Each of us is different, and at 21, you are still very young. There's no hurry is what I'm saying. You are probably just being cautious, which is a good thing. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are afraid of intimacy if you're being careful about which person you date. I would say you are doing a good job if your "jerk" meter goes off when someone hits on you. Most of the time, if strangers hit on an attractive young lady, they only want one thing anyway, and that's not a long-lasting relationship. Unless the short-term physical stuff is also what you want, I'd say, "good for you."

 

[17emilyhalko]

For me, I have a very limited fear of people touching me. Sometimes when people just touch my shoulder, I'll feel betrayed, almost raped. It feels horrible. However, there are the select few who I allow to be intimate with me, and this is usually only after knowing them for quite some time. If I don't know someone well or if I'm upset, I do not appreciate being touched.

 

[Zeesi]

Fear of getting hurt, and not wanting people to touch you are two very different things. I think that most people in relationships have a fear of getting hurt, because they know that break-ups are painful and dramatic.


Most people fear getting hurt and want their relationships to work because they want love, companionship, that elusive 'fairy tale of a relationship' even, but just because they don't want to be hurt doesn't mean that they don't like being touched. I think that those 2 things for most people don't correspond to each other. Maybe in your case things are different.


I'm a very touchy-feely person. I like touching people if I find them 'touchable'. I once had a stranger yell at me because I touched her arm or her shoulder. I was so embarrassed. Many months later I saw her in a store, and she seemed to remember me, and made a point of telling a person that she was talking to in a loud voice a story of how several months ago she was pregnant and at that time could not stand for people to touch her.

 

[Zeesi]

I think I have a fear of intimacy too. In the past 21 years I've been on this Earth' date=' I've only had one online-relationship and one fake-relationship with one of my best friends. So that means no real or serious relationships. Whenever a guy hits on me, I tend to push them away and I don't know why. My "excuse" for myself is that I don't have time for a relationship or even for myself. I'm afraid if I keep on going that way, I'll end up as a lonely old lady with 10 cats. [/quote']
Is that a picture of you in/on your avatar? If so, I don't think that you have to be concerned about ending up a lonely old lady with 10 cats. Even if you end up alone, that doesn't mean that you're going to be lonely. And besides, cats are cool.


Do you really feel that you don't have time for a relationship? Because that is a legitimate reason for not becoming involved in one. A relationship is a job, there's simply no getting around that fact, and some people don't want to take on that added responsibility.