Existential Crisis

[Angelx]

Hi friends! I’ve been avoiding posting this because I’ve been avoiding thinking about it for quite some time.
I grew up in a Christian home and loved God with all my heart for the longest time. Never questioned Him. I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember and my biggest concern has always been something bad happening to my boyfriend and him dying. I believed in Heaven and I knew he’d be okay, I just didn’t want to be without him.
My mind started personifying this fear, and I had thought distortions and this little voice in my head that I named Greg. Greg kept telling me he was going to take my boyfriend from me, I was scared. Greg would send what I thought were signs that were confirming he was real and had control. For example, Greg sang part of a fallout boy song, “Now I’m here to give you all my love, so I can watch your face as I take it all away.” He was taunting me with the idea of removing my boyfriend from my life. I know five million fallout boy songs, and that one definitely isn’t at the top of my list. I hadn’t listened to it in months. But the next day I get in my boyfriends car and he starts playing that exact song and I just burst into tears cause Greg was all like, “See what I can do? You don’t wanna believe me but here I am.”
My therapist said it was a coincidence. She wanted to combat this by proving Greg isn’t real and she sent me home with a worksheet for putting my thoughts on trial and diminishing Greg with Socratic questions. That did horrible things for me.
Because, being the overly analytical person that I am, I filled those questions in with two concepts: 1. Greg and 2. God.
I couldn’t believe in God and not believe in Greg, it would be illogical. God was built on the same fundamentals that Greg was. Thoughts, feelings, no proof. My world started falling apart piece by piece right there. Then I googled it. Tons of nonbelievers going on and on about how stupid and irrational it is to ever think God is real. How we are completely eliminated when we die, how we have no soul.
I’ve never felt as much anxiety as I did the moment I read that. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see. I almost called 911 twice. I haven’t been the same since.

Please don’t say God isn’t real, I’m struggling so hard and that’s not what I need to hear.

I’ve found God in so many things since then. I still pray. Every time I ask him to come help me, he does. Except one time. One time I asked and he didn’t come, even though I was expecting him to. The next day I thought about it. I read online a few months ago that our belief in God is something we create to feel calm about our inevitable death. If I was creating the calming feeling myself, using a concept that didn’t exist, it would work every time. If I call on him and expect him to answer, he would. But that one time he didn’t and I felt like it was to show me that he’s there and he’s listening. That I’m not making up this overwhelming peace in my mind, but instead that he’s giving it to me.
Then i feel crazy and stupid for ever thinking that in the first place, like it’s illogical to believe God.

I’ve talked to my therapist about it but she’s no help.

I’ve been struggling with this since September and I don’t know what to do. I’ve asked a million believers to help me but they all say I have to find the answer within myself. The majority of the world believes in at least one god, could we all really be that far off?

Please help. I’m so sad. I don’t know how to stop thinking about this. I really want to believe in God like I used to, He was my best friend. I feel stupid for it though. How in the world do I see past this? Help me.


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[bin_tenn]

Never be ashamed of what you believe in, and what you find comfort in. I used to be a firm believer, but I've been an atheist for several years now. But if you find peace and comfort in having faith, don't give that up. You're absolutely *NOT* "stupid" or anything else like it for believing, just as people like myself aren't stupid for believing otherwise. Also, don't listen to those crap humans who try to make you feel bad for having faith; that's not what atheism is about. At all. I can't tell you that god doesn't exist, because I don't know if he does. Even if I could, I'd never say it. Why? Because that's an insensitive and mean thing to do.

Also, I can definitely relate. My life is basically one big existential crisis. LoL! I constantly search for meaning and purpose - I did it when I had faith, and I still do it without faith. I'm always looking for a larger meaning to life. I always hope there must be more to it than what we're experiencing here while alive. But in reality, we cannot possibly know until we get to the end - if it even is the end.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It's not easy, by any means, and it's not something to take lightly. No one knows if there's more to existence than what we are right now. It's likely no one will ever be able to tell us with absolute certainty. Ever. People of faith can say all day long that god is here and everywhere, and that eternal life exists, and no one can rightfully say that's not correct. Scientists can hypothesize that death is the absolute end, but no one can prove it.

Again, be you, and don't be afraid or ashamed to believe or not believe in something. Whether there is a god or not, we shouldn't waste our time here being afraid and holding ourselves back, because it's the only shot we have at this life. Even if there is eternal life, it's not the same as this particular life, so don't waste it.

EDIT: I read your post in its entirety and I tried to provide a response for the key points you made. I apologize if I missed anything important.

 

[Angelx]

Never be ashamed of what you believe in, and what you find comfort in. I used to be a firm believer, but I've been an atheist for several years now. But if you find peace and comfort in having faith, don't give that up. You're absolutely *NOT* "stupid" or anything else like it for believing, just as people like myself aren't stupid for believing otherwise. Also, don't listen to those crap humans who try to make you feel bad for having faith; that's not what atheism is about. At all. I can't tell you that god doesn't exist, because I don't know if he does. Even if I could, I'd never say it. Why? Because that's an insensitive and mean thing to do.

Also, I can definitely relate. My life is basically one big existential crisis. LoL! I constantly search for meaning and purpose - I did it when I had faith, and I still do it without faith. I'm always looking for a larger meaning to life. I always hope there must be more to it than what we're experiencing here while alive. But in reality, we cannot possibly know until we get to the end - if it even is the end.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It's not easy, by any means, and it's not something to take lightly. No one knows if there's more to existence than what we are right now. It's likely no one will ever be able to tell us with absolute certainty. Ever. People of faith can say all day long that god is here and everywhere, and that eternal life exists, and no one can rightfully say that's not correct. Scientists can hypothesize that death is the absolute end, but no one can prove it.

Again, be you, and don't be afraid or ashamed to believe or not believe in something. Whether there is a god or not, we shouldn't waste our time here being afraid and holding ourselves back, because it's the only shot we have at this life. Even if there is eternal life, it's not the same as this particular life, so don't waste it.

EDIT: I read your post in its entirety and I tried to provide a response for the key points you made. I apologize if I missed anything important.

Thank you for your well thought out and kind response!