Emotionally Bankrupt!

[janemariesayed]

I have just read a brilliant article on child abuse and PTSD. It comes from the National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse written in 2006. I am not sure of the author but the article really hit home with me. I read through it nodding all the way through. Yes, that's me I found myself saying to practically every sentence.

I am emotionally bankrupt! With years of child abuse, from more than one person that lasted from the age of two or three until I was twenty-one. Each time another 'abuse day' happened, it would be piled on top of the one before which has left me drained, emotionally tortured and lost.

I am not a complete human being. I have not been able to live a complete life because of the trauma. Also, because of what happened after the trauma.

The article is a long one, but well worth the read. I'm not into cutting and pasting but I am happy to post a link for anyone who is interested enough to read it.

http://www.naasca.org/2011-Articles/081411-PTSDinAdultSurvivors.htm

Reading this article has really made me think. It's made me think that I truly was a victim, but it has also made me realise that a time can arrive in survivors lives when they are ready to face it all and heal. That is me now. I am ready to heal in the company of others.

Thank you to all the lovely people that I am getting to know on here. I finally have the 'safe zone' to help me face all that I endured. Where I can share my feelings and emotions without judgment. This is great news, added to my upcoming therapy I will begin to heal. In time, as my therapy and interaction with all of you begins the healing process, I will no longer be 'emotionally bankrupt' as I am now. But I will become Jane. As I should have become Jane in my early years, it will start to happen soon.

I wonder who I am? I wonder who I will become? I don't know the answer to that yet, but I am so very sure that I will like myself. Life is at last worth living. I have something to aim for. To release the child within me, and let myself grow into the beautiful person the Universe intended me to be.

I am at last, ready to heal, in the company of others.

 

[janemariesayed]

I have actually realised that I was going through PTSD when I was a child of about 4. I had already been abused by that age, and it was at that age that I also went into a children's home. I was then fostered out to many families but it was one in particular that I ended up in full time. I used to wet the bed and I remember that I also used to have terrible nightmares. These are both symptoms of PTSD in children. I suppose I should try to forgive my adoptive parents for not taking me for therapy back then, but symptoms weren't really understood.

My stepmom would beat me every time I wet the bed, but she was beating me most of the time anyway. I was never allowed in the room when the social worker came so the social worker never saw my bruises. My stepmom used to tell everyone that I was a tomboy and got my bruises in the playground. Everyone believed her as she also told everyone that I told lies too. I am trying to work on forgiving her for her sins against me but it is so hard to do. Has anyone any tips on forgiveness? I try, try and try but all I get is a feeling of sadness. Overwhelming sadness that consumes me. Decades later, I still don't know how to forgive that woman. Will forgiveness come with therapy?

 

[Decentlady]

I hear you @janemariesayed. The road to "forgiving" is not an easy one especially if the memories associated with that particular person are truly bitter. Sometimes, we do finally end up forgiving however, we can not necessarily forget.

It is okay to experience sadness at such times.

The best way perhaps to take the first (often the hardest)step towards healing is acceptance. Accepting that things did happen to you, accepting that it is time to let them remain in the past, accepting that you are worth better things in life than living with and suffering from bitter memories and accepting that you need to move on in life.

When you have come to terms with this understanding it gets clearer to see where you want to go. Next will be how you want to get there and perhaps with who besides you?

Remember, let bygones be bygones. When the past hits you hard, think about all those who had it worse than you. You will find the strength to be grateful and to forgive. Wishing you a quick recovery

 

[Hope Matthew1128]

I hear you @janemariesayed. The road to "forgiving" is not an easy one especially if the memories associated with that particular person are truly bitter. Sometimes, we do finally end up forgiving however, we can not necessarily forget.

It is okay to experience sadness at such times.

The best way perhaps to take the first (often the hardest)step towards healing is acceptance. Accepting that things did happen to you, accepting that it is time to let them remain in the past, accepting that you are worth better things in life than living with and suffering from bitter memories and accepting that you need to move on in life.

When you have come to terms with this understanding it gets clearer to see where you want to go. Next will be how you want to get there and perhaps with who besides you?

Remember, let bygones be bygones. When the past hits you hard, think about all those who had it worse than you. You will find the strength to be grateful and to forgive. Wishing you a quick recovery

This is very comforting and full of hope for recovery.

 

[Hope Matthew1128]

I have actually realised that I was going through PTSD when I was a child of about 4. I had already been abused by that age, and it was at that age that I also went into a children's home. I was then fostered out to many families but it was one in particular that I ended up in full time. I used to wet the bed and I remember that I also used to have terrible nightmares. These are both symptoms of PTSD in children. I suppose I should try to forgive my adoptive parents for not taking me for therapy back then, but symptoms weren't really understood.

My stepmom would beat me every time I wet the bed, but she was beating me most of the time anyway. I was never allowed in the room when the social worker came so the social worker never saw my bruises. My stepmom used to tell everyone that I was a tomboy and got my bruises in the playground. Everyone believed her as she also told everyone that I told lies too. I am trying to work on forgiving her for her sins against me but it is so hard to do. Has anyone any tips on forgiveness? I try, try and try but all I get is a feeling of sadness. Overwhelming sadness that consumes me. Decades later, I still don't know how to forgive that woman. Will forgiveness come with therapy?

Dear @janemariesayed I'm mixed with compassion for you and anger towards these people who do such things to little ones. I am crying deeply for helpless children who need protectors and defenders.
I believe that when bad things happen to us in the past when we were helpless, we become stronger in the process and become our own children's protectors--providing a safe, kind, loving and strong-built home. Some kind of a fortress for our own children.
I see your wisdom and strength as you speak in your post. I also see healing taking place. Don't lose heart. Continue being an encouring voice to those who have been rejected, abandoned and silenced. Your humility that seeks to forgive even though it's a very hard call for you to do is a sign of great strength and wisdom.

Much love to you, beautiful Jane!

 

[janemariesayed]

Awww, thank you so much @Hope Matthew1128 such kind beautiful words. I am trying to heal. It is proving to be a struggle to find a counsellor but if I keep at it I know I will find one. I seem to have a few people on my side however alone I feel sometimes.
I have tried to forgive but it is so hard and I never really understood what forgiveness was until a few years ago. I think that forgiveness is moving on and not thinking about it. You don't have to agree with it to move on, it just means not having it in the mind anymore. That is what I find difficult though, getting something out of my mind.