Does anyone else try to sabotage their relationship when down?

[LotusTree]

When I get very down, feel awful about myself, have a flagging libido, don’t get pleasure from everyday things (like when I’m not depressed), I try to push my partner away. Source of origin this fear of intimacy from my dysfunctional family of origin who taught me that I wasn’t loveable if I expressed “bad/negative” feelings.
comolicating this is that my partner lives in another city for one and he also has a much bigger bubble than I allow so that if he sees his kids for example, I want to wait at least about a month after to ensure as much as possible that he doesn’t get Covid after (cuz they have big bubbles too being young people). But in a month after that, he is talking about seeing his daughter again.
I fear for myself and my elderly father. So our future doesn’t look very promising but being a really positive person, he refuses to part ways (which I don’t really want anyway, it’s just all so complicated right now and I am a self-saboteur).
Can anyone relate to the sabotaging stuff?

 

[MATD]

I can relate. Self sabotage is common with anxiety. The fear of coming out of the fog to a strange new world (recovery) is what makes us run for the cover of our foggy world again. Going thru that phase right now. It doesn’t have to be a relationship that causes us to self sabotage, but anything that is new and feels strange that hikes up the anxiety level and makes us run for the old familiar hole. I’d say you are torn between two lovers by what you said “I do but I don’t.” Why don’t we both agree to go forward together? Hand in hand and take a leap of faith? I’ve got a lot invested and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let everything I’ve worked hard for to slip thru my fingers.

 

[Cuchculan]

Have also done it. Ruined what was a great relationship. Just how the anxious mind works. Nothing wrong with the other person at all. But we make things up in our minds to sabotage the relationship. We are not good enough for them. They deserve better. Any excuse will do really. Be it that we just want to be left alone. So we push these people away. Just part of the anxiety cycle.

 

[Doug97]

Yes, I'm pretty horrid to my wife when my mood is bad. Don't speak to her, try to avoid her, when all we both really need is a hug*. It's dumb.

*Or some sex, that always cheers her up!