Does anxiety impact on your love life?

[Hels]

Hey internet,

So I thought I would turn to fellow anxiety sufferers to get some insight on this. Does anyone else find their anxiety interferes with relationships? I'm a 30yo single woman and haven't been in a relationship for four years. All previous relationships have been very short lived and I've often found my anxiety gets in the way.

Exes have told me that i'm distant, cold, not loving etc and they can't understand why I feel chronically sad. I have no issue getting dates, in fact I'm a career dater, and I'm pretty upfront about my anxiety with new dates (I don't divulge details, but think it's important they know that life can be hard sometimes for me) but I'm concerned this puts people off. I've had some weird reactions to me telling people I had quite bad OCD as a child and that I take medication to help control panic attacks etc. I wouldn't bother telling people upfront if it wasn't such a large part of my life - I don't want to put the effort into getting to know someone only to find that two months in they can't sympathise with me when I feel the need to cry my eyes out in the bathroom.

I guess I might have just not met the right person yet...but what if it really is my anxiety creating the barrier to never getting off the starting blocks in a relationship? Does this mean I need to except that I might be alone forever? I guess I'm torn between pretending to people I'm fine and revealing who I really am. I don't know how to approach dating and I'm so confused. It all feels a bit fruitless. And isn't it a bit unfair seeking out a partner when I feel part of me is broken? Almost seems kinder to stay single and not burden anyone with my baggage.

Any pearls of wisdom much appreciated.

Hels x

 

[FinneousRex]

I wish I could provide advice for your situation. But I can’t. I’m a 24 year old single woman, a lot of charm, and a LOT of anxiety and paranoia. I have been single for 4 years, as well. I got a bit of trauma in my past so it’s difficult for me to get close to people. My issue is I know within 7-10 days whether I want to be with someone or not. I can be infatuated one day, then look at them and feel nothing the next.

At this point, I’ve given up trying to date. If I’m gonna be with a guy it’s gonna be someone who I have been friends with for a while, who learns about the ins and outs of my life and my issues, with no expectations, then it blossoms into something more. Looking for relationships just causes unnecessary stress. I’m just going to let it happen organically, if it is ever going to happen. I have accepted that I may never find love, and to enjoy life alone as much as I can.

 

[Howlingvapor]

I’m a 21 year old guy and I didn’t acknowledge my anxiety until I got into a bad relationship with a girl that just didn’t really care about me and who I realize now was only really with me so she wouldn’t feel lonely. I ended that relationship almost a year ago and haven’t really gone on any dates since. I’m over her now, but every time I think someone’s interested in me I just get nervous and never make the first move or ask them out. I’m just afraid of rejection I guess, and it doesn’t help that I’m a bit clueless. A woman could be dropping hints that she likes me all night and I won’t even realize it until someone else points it out.

I’m also a little afraid that I’m not ready for a relationship yet. Because my last relationship was a mess and it wasn’t all her fault. I let my anxiety dictate my relationship and so I would get jealous or angry over nothing and have panic attacks constantly. I’d yell at her for the stupidest things and while I never hurt her nor would I ever hurt her it still wasn’t ok. I said horrible things to her sometimes, and while it didn’t help she literally made out with another guy while she was with me and constantly lied causing a lot of distrust and hurt feelings, some of the things were said because I was worried about her and had a panic attack and she wouldn’t pick up the phone. Yeah I was a bit of an a**hole. So I wonder sometimes if I’ve worked through these issues enough to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone else or if my anxiety dooms me to be clingy, overprotective, and codependent. I don’t want to die alone, but I also don’t want to drag someone else through hell just because I want to be loved. I hate myself for how I treated her, regardless of what her intentions with me ended up being and how much she played with my feelings, I was horrible to her. That’s the only real regret I carry from that relationship, not how it ended, not how it began, but how I treated her at some points, it wasn’t who I am, everything else could’ve remained the same and I’d be fine with it.


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[Cuchculan]

What love life?

 

[astralprojections]

I'm still kinda young, but also gay so that makes everything 10x harder. I've never dated anyone but really want to. I'm talking to some people online just for fun and trying to get out of my comfort zone but anxiety always make things harder. I kind of always overthink what I say and feel like I'm always running the conversation whenever I open my mouth so.

I don't really have much advice, but the best thing for me has just been, to really try to push myself out of my comfort zone and have some fun, not taking everything so seriously.

 

[Hels]

I got a bit of trauma in my past so it’s difficult for me to get close to people.

So sorry to hear you have past trauma making things hard.

Looking for relationships just causes unnecessary stress.

It’s so true that dating and trying to find someone is stressful. I think taking a step back from it all might be the right thing for now.

I’m a 21 year old guy and I didn’t acknowledge my anxiety until I got into a bad relationship with a girl that just didn’t really care about me and who I realize now was only really with me so she wouldn’t feel lonely. I ended that relationship almost a year ago and haven’t really gone on any dates since. I’m over her now, but every time I think someone’s interested in me I just get nervous and never make the first move or ask them out. I’m just afraid of rejection I guess, and it doesn’t help that I’m a bit clueless. A woman could be dropping hints that she likes me all night and I won’t even realize it until someone else points it out.

I’m also a little afraid that I’m not ready for a relationship yet. Because my last relationship was a mess and it wasn’t all her fault. I let my anxiety dictate my relationship and so I would get jealous or angry over nothing and have panic attacks constantly. I’d yell at her for the stupidest things and while I never hurt her nor would I ever hurt her it still wasn’t ok. I said horrible things to her sometimes, and while it didn’t help she literally made out with another guy while she was with me and constantly lied causing a lot of distrust and hurt feelings, some of the things were said because I was worried about her and had a panic attack and she wouldn’t pick up the phone. Yeah I was a bit of an a**hole. So I wonder sometimes if I’ve worked through these issues enough to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone else or if my anxiety dooms me to be clingy, overprotective, and codependent. I don’t want to die alone, but I also don’t want to drag someone else through hell just because I want to be loved. I hate myself for how I treated her, regardless of what her intentions with me ended up being and how much she played with my feelings, I was horrible to her. That’s the only real regret I carry from that relationship, not how it ended, not how it began, but how I treated her at some points, it wasn’t who I am, everything else could’ve remained the same and I’d be fine with it.


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I guess at 21 you’re still quite young and can take your time to find someone. It sounds like you made the right decision getting out of your previous relationship. Interesting you mention that you think your ex was with you because you thought she felt lonely. I really don’t want to fall into the trap of finding any old person and just staying with them because I don’t want to be alone.

What love life?

Ha ha noooo this is not the reassuring answer I was hoping for

I don't really have much advice, but the best thing for me has just been, to really try to push myself out of my comfort zone and have some fun, not taking everything so seriously.

Yes! If anything being a little less serious is a major goal! Anxiety has a habit of making me self centred and so bloody serious about life ALL the time

 

[ScaredyKat]

I can't imagine what this feels like. My anxiety and things that happened to me/issues make it impossible for me even to consider being in any kind of relationship. I've never really had a boyfriend or been in a relationship. I've never been married. I am happy being alone though some days I can't go out and be with people when I want to. I don't have close friends I don't have pets. I'm envious of anyone who has these things only because I wonder how they manage to do it. Don't feel sorry for me - I can't really miss what I have never known.

 

[Xxxhappy]

I’m 21 and I have terrible anxiety and Im always in relationships but I tend to leave because I feel bad for my partner because I’m always sad and there’s really nothing they can do and then they think I’m being mean lmao
I know it’s not advice, or brings any reassurance but it’s nice to know I’m not alone