Depression returned two days ago, really strong!

[MasterRoshi]

This is really tough for me. I was crying uncontrollably last night.

Too many details for me to figure out...it’s just a rush of feeling doomed, lonely, incapable of doing life’s tasks, everything I was doing over the past 5 months to combat this seems to be completly and sudenly erased. Like I never did one second of work on myself.

Lost all motivation.

Everything feels like it’s crumbling!

I feel like 5 months ago before therapy and other stuff, I was a different person. Then therapy and other stuff was changing me. But two days ago it feels like I’m exactly who I was back then. Similar thoughts have returned. Similar feelings have returned. Lost all motivation. It’s like I am who I was then.

 

[brtmdo]

Hi Master Roshi. we think we're going crazy and hopeless at times like this. but talk back to your brain with some positive truths. no one's life is constantly fine. sometimes everyone is more or less angry, happy, confused, out of sorts, feeling sick or well, etc. Depending on the situation, these mood changes can last a couple minutes, days, or weeks. Because you are anxious currently your brain is going to interpret every change as a possible threat. At times like these repeat to your brain "i am fine. just not having a great day today. happens to everyone. but tomorrow may very well be better." then rest or exercise or whatever else you do to relax, and resist the urges to try to fix how you're feeling. it will pass on its own. don't give in. I know you can do it.

 

[MasterRoshi]

Hi Master Roshi. we think we're going crazy and hopeless at times like this. but talk back to your brain with some positive truths. no one's life is constantly fine. sometimes everyone is more or less angry, happy, confused, out of sorts, feeling sick or well, etc. Depending on the situation, these mood changes can last a couple minutes, days, or weeks. Because you are anxious currently your brain is going to interpret every change as a possible threat. At times like these repeat to your brain "i am fine. just not having a great day today. happens to everyone. but tomorrow may very well be better." then rest or exercise or whatever else you do to relax, and resist the urges to try to fix how you're feeling. it will pass on its own. don't give in. I know you can do it.

Thanks I had the ability to write down my episode from this morning. I’ll share here to help gain some clarity and hopefully some can relate.

Hopefully at the very least others can related to various parts of this and I can make some friends and not feel so alone with this.

———————————

I am very introverted today and scared and it’s very hard for me to do anythingwith confidence. I feel like a scared 5yo boy.

So I went to doctor and felt like a little kid and could barely speak.

He was telling me all this stuff, and I couldn’t even listen cuz I was so full of anxiety and super outof it (feel removed from the world, like I’m watching my life from a virtual reality goggles).

I went downs stairs for a blood test and other tests... I was suppose to do a urine sample which I did. Then when I returned to the testing area, no one was there so I quickly dropped it off in the basket they told me about and being freaked out cuz I didn’t know if I was suppose to wait around for more instructions or leave....I began to panic so I quickly and quietly found the exit and escaped.

I remember when waking to the car I felt this gross feeling, like “that was awkward and horrible and I’m so glad I got out of there, now I can hide at home where it’s safe...” like a strange tunnel vision and intense self loathing but also wanting to stare at my feet and get home where it’s safe ASAP!

then while at home I got a call from the lab and the women ask in a fairly rude voice, “did you leave?” I said umm what? She said, “you didn’t do your ex ray, did you leave??”

I felt like my anxiety and emotional crumbling and my introversion caused by my inability to cope with life, caused me to completely just leave the doctors office before it was done... and I wasn’t able to remember info or be present for the appointment and also feeling like a 5yo scared boy...

After I got off the phone. I started jumping up and down, not knowing where to go or what to do, unable to even move, pulling at my cloths, and crawling out of my skin, sobbing uncontrollably saying “I don’t know what to do, i can’t do this,” looking at myself in the mirror saying “I don’t want to be like this anymore”

Then all I wanted to do was, tear off all my cloths, go to my room, shut the door, turn off the lights.m, black out the sun with blankets over the windows, go under my covers and sleep for ever.

And now I don’t even wanna go back to the doctor and I just want to run from all of this and pretend it never happened.

And then this feeling leads to me feelings hopeless and feeling like I can’t even go to a doctor, so I should move to the woods and escape all of this cuz it’s really hard. And I want to escape it.

Now I have to go back there and look like a loser weirdo idiot who snuck out of the appointment early. And somehow not feel like a loser.
Then i was scared at home afraid to go back to the doctors

Thoughts, I can’t do the new job and My wife will never come back to me cuz I’m still like this...I’m still broken...

 

[Xhemal Leka]

This is really tough for me. I was crying uncontrollably last night.

Too many details for me to figure out...it’s just a rush of feeling doomed, lonely, incapable of doing life’s tasks, everything I was doing over the past 5 months to combat this seems to be completly and sudenly erased. Like I never did one second of work on myself.

Lost all motivation.

Everything feels like it’s crumbling!

I feel like 5 months ago before therapy and other stuff, I was a different person. Then therapy and other stuff was changing me. But two days ago it feels like I’m exactly who I was back then. Similar thoughts have returned. Similar feelings have returned. Lost all motivation. It’s like I am who I was then.

You are having a setback my friend. Set backs do happen and you will get passed this.

 

[brtmdo]

Thanks I had the ability to write down my episode from this morning. I’ll share here to help gain some clarity and hopefully some can relate.

Hopefully at the very least others can related to various parts of this and I can make some friends and not feel so alone with this.

———————————

I am very introverted today and scared and it’s very hard for me to do anythingwith confidence. I feel like a scared 5yo boy.

So I went to doctor and felt like a little kid and could barely speak.

He was telling me all this stuff, and I couldn’t even listen cuz I was so full of anxiety and super outof it (feel removed from the world, like I’m watching my life from a virtual reality goggles).

I went downs stairs for a blood test and other tests... I was suppose to do a urine sample which I did. Then when I returned to the testing area, no one was there so I quickly dropped it off in the basket they told me about and being freaked out cuz I didn’t know if I was suppose to wait around for more instructions or leave....I began to panic so I quickly and quietly found the exit and escaped.

I remember when waking to the car I felt this gross feeling, like “that was awkward and horrible and I’m so glad I got out of there, now I can hide at home where it’s safe...” like a strange tunnel vision and intense self loathing but also wanting to stare at my feet and get home where it’s safe ASAP!

then while at home I got a call from the lab and the women ask in a fairly rude voice, “did you leave?” I said umm what? She said, “you didn’t do your ex ray, did you leave??”

I felt like my anxiety and emotional crumbling and my introversion caused by my inability to cope with life, caused me to completely just leave the doctors office before it was done... and I wasn’t able to remember info or be present for the appointment and also feeling like a 5yo scared boy...

After I got off the phone. I started jumping up and down, not knowing where to go or what to do, unable to even move, pulling at my cloths, and crawling out of my skin, sobbing uncontrollably saying “I don’t know what to do, i can’t do this,” looking at myself in the mirror saying “I don’t want to be like this anymore”

Then all I wanted to do was, tear off all my cloths, go to my room, shut the door, turn off the lights.m, black out the sun with blankets over the windows, go under my covers and sleep for ever.

And now I don’t even wanna go back to the doctor and I just want to run from all of this and pretend it never happened.

And then this feeling leads to me feelings hopeless and feeling like I can’t even go to a doctor, so I should move to the woods and escape all of this cuz it’s really hard. And I want to escape it.

Now I have to go back there and look like a loser weirdo idiot who snuck out of the appointment early. And somehow not feel like a loser.
Then i was scared at home afraid to go back to the doctors

Thoughts, I can’t do the new job and My wife will never come back to me cuz I’m still like this...I’m still broken...

you are NOT alone. everyone who uses this site can relate to your experiences and is your friend. Doctor visits give me the same level of anxiety you felt. i hope you have tried some social anxiety therapy. i think you and a counselor need to analyze why the opinions of others have such power over you. You'll get over this

 

[MasterRoshi]

you are NOT alone. everyone who uses this site can relate to your experiences and is your friend. Doctor visits give me the same level of anxiety you felt. i hope you have tried some social anxiety therapy. i think you and a counselor need to analyze why the opinions of others have such power over you. You'll get over this

I’m doing CBT and for anxiety it’s mainly exposure therapy stuff.

But if you have any pointers on what social anxiety therapy I could discuss, please let me know.

 

[brtmdo]

I’m doing CBT and for anxiety it’s mainly exposure therapy stuff.

But if you have any pointers on what social anxiety therapy I could discuss, please let me know.

funny you should mention cbt. ask your counselor to focus in more specifically on social anxiety than on general anxiety. exposure therapy will still apply

 

[MasterRoshi]

funny you should mention cbt. ask your counselor to focus in more specifically on social anxiety than on general anxiety. exposure therapy will still apply

I think I realized that I am trying to be “normal” and be able to sit around the house and lounge without negative consequences.

bit I think for me I need to be constantly active and social otherwise I start to freak out and get really emotional.

 

[Rinka]

You just go through a low period again. Even with therapy there come times where the outside world becomes unbearable and that is normal.

You seem to be unproportionally hard on yourself and that can lead to an escalation of anxiety and depression. While you were at the doctors, even though they explained to you what needs to be done, there still needs to be someone showing you around and telling you where to go next. It’s unusual that after the urine and blood test no one told you where to go or wait and that’s their fault. I bet with you that the nurse or who ever called you got nasty because she did not do her work and and forgot to supervise a patient. The thing is though that you internalised it against yourself. They should have told you to wait and where to go and there should have been someone around while you dropped of the samples as simple as that. It’s not your fault.

The “funny” thing with depression and anxiety is that you always take the blame even though it’s not yours. With CBT you should learn methods to analyse such situations and see them in a more objective light, without playing a blame game.

 

[MasterRoshi]

You just go through a low period again. Even with therapy there come times where the outside world becomes unbearable and that is normal.

You seem to be unproportionally hard on yourself and that can lead to an escalation of anxiety and depression. While you were at the doctors, even though they explained to you what needs to be done, there still needs to be someone showing you around and telling you where to go next. It’s unusual that after the urine and blood test no one told you where to go or wait and that’s their fault. I bet with you that the nurse or who ever called you got nasty because she did not do her work and and forgot to supervise a patient. The thing is though that you internalised it against yourself. They should have told you to wait and where to go and there should have been someone around while you dropped of the samples as simple as that. It’s not your fault.

The “funny” thing with depression and anxiety is that you always take the blame even though it’s not yours. With CBT you should learn methods to analyse such situations and see them in a more objective light, without playing a blame game.

Thanks for this. I actually am experiencing this in many ways.

For example, I stayed home all day yesterday and isolated and played video games. Then last night I stayed up 4 hours passed my self imposed bedtime, and watched senseless YouTube videos.

These action made me judge myself and my recovery asif they are signs of me failing and because of that I am now really low again. I am having this internal ddialog with myself saying, “ok tomorrow will be different. You won’t fail again tomorrow.”

So now I’m wondering , is playing video games and isolating at home bad for me? Is staying up late bad for me? Is mindlessly watching YouTube videos bad for me? Am I using these things to escape life?

When I do want I perceive as healthy, then I feel positive and like I’m doing good work in life and am happy cuz I feel like I’m on the road to recovery and happiness, but if I don’t, then I get really low.

1. Are these things good vs bad, right vs wrong, happy vs sad, positive vs negative?
2. Do I need to cut them out of my life for me to be happy?
3. Or do I need to change my relationship with myself and learn to not base my happiness of my actions? If so how?!?!?

 

[MasterRoshi]

It seems like a self induced placebo effect, or maybe it isn’t?!?!

Like if I go to bed on time then I’m happy cuz “sleep schedule” is healthy and helps to solve depression. But if I miss bedtime, then I get low mood...

Somehow this is either true or placebo. And it seems like non depressed people can go to bed late and it doesn’t completly derail them, although it does slightly effect their performance and mood.

I hope I’m making sense. Just trying to understand all of this!

 

[Rinka]

You make total sense really. It sound like a form of OCD though. It is ok to play games, it is ok to go to bed late, it is ok. That’s where you are hard on yourself, which then has a bad influence on your anxiety and depression. Of course it is more healthy to have a proper sleeping schedule and to eat healthy, do exercise, but it’s also not bad to stay at home for the day, if you feel like it.

I’m not too sure how to change your perception of yourself, CBT usually helps with that.

 

[Ocean breaze]

This is really tough for me. I was crying uncontrollably last night.

Too many details for me to figure out...it’s just a rush of feeling doomed, lonely, incapable of doing life’s tasks, everything I was doing over the past 5 months to combat this seems to be completly and sudenly erased. Like I never did one second of work on myself.

Lost all motivation.

Everything feels like it’s crumbling!

I feel like 5 months ago before therapy and other stuff, I was a different person. Then therapy and other stuff was changing me. But two days ago it feels like I’m exactly who I was back then. Similar thoughts have returned. Similar feelings have returned. Lost all motivation. It’s like I am who I was then.

We do have set backs but we have to remind ourselves all we have learned and love ourselfs
I know easier said than done.

 

[MasterRoshi]

You make total sense really. It sound like a form of OCD though. It is ok to play games, it is ok to go to bed late, it is ok. That’s where you are hard on yourself, which then has a bad influence on your anxiety and depression. Of course it is more healthy to have a proper sleeping schedule and to eat healthy, do exercise, but it’s also not bad to stay at home for the day, if you feel like it.

I’m not too sure how to change your perception of yourself, CBT usually helps with that.

Thanks. Yea when I journal I can look back on the days and really see how my thoughts are very self deprecating at first. And then I believe the thoughts, which become my identity and then it all feels like it’s falling apart cuz I’m not thinking with an objective reasonable dialog.

If I can get the negative self image dialog to go change into happy and positive that would really help.

It seems to be a belief in my negative thoughts. Changing this is easier said than done, but why?? I believe the negative self image with ease. Why can’t I just choose positive alternative??

I’m getting really tired of all this inner tourmoil....I’m ready for a change cuz this is super stressful and not enjoyable at all...

I have therapy tomorrow so I’ll try to run it by her and see what’s going on.

 

[Rinka]

When I did CBT, we had a session talking about my past experiences which confirmed my negative image to me. For example my father being distant and seemingly not interested in me. When you are a child, negative experiences stay with you longer then positive ones. Those experiences confirm our negative self image. As soon as something like that is confirmed, it’s hard to erase it with positive confirmation.