Depressed and sad....... About idk what??

[JD1916]

Hi my name is John.

I've suffered from severe anxiety and depression for several years, but I feel like it's getting worse to the point of me offing myself. I've seen a doctor about it in May and went several times, and they wanted to prescribe me Prozac but I refused to take such a drug due to side effects and it's potential to even cause greater depression than the depression it is supposed to help. They instead prescribed me Lorazepam and Diazepam, which I rarely take because I know how addicting these pills really are.

I smoked pot a lot because I preferred it to potentionally getting addicted to pills and while it did help, I still can't overcome these feelings of hopelessness. Like my life is pointless and not worth living. I used to use illicit substances when I was younger. Around 18 I messed with cocaine and methamphetamine. However, I quickly realized that those substances are not therapeutic but evil, and I told myself I'll be f*cked if I became an addict. I saw firsthand what those substances do to people, and I could never see myself a tweaking bum on the street from frying my brains with that garbage, stealing **** and being a disease to society trying to get my next fix. Or worse, going to prison for stuff one does while high and then really losing it. That's far worse than any depression or suicide.

I honestly feel like I can never be happy. No matter what happens in my life, I still feel depressed, down, and totally under the weather.

I'm deeply sad. But about what, I don't know. Maybe it's my personality or something, I don't know. When I sleep I often suffer from sleep paralysis and terribly frightening nightmares, which have an impact on my feelings the next day.

I feel like I should be happy but I never really am. No matter what happens positive in my life I still feel awful. There are days when I don't want to wake up. I still go to work because my job at least keeps me going, and I feel just a little more alive. It's stressful but it gives me something to do and throughout all my depression my job has given me a small meaning in life. I seriously am beginning to wonder though, if I do become successful in my life, if I achieved my dreams, if I would really be happy or at peace with myself. I feel like no amount of money or success or anything can really make me happy.

See, here's exactly the problem I am coming here about. I have a job, something I should be happy about. I'm not homeless and my mom let me live with her. I should be happy about that. I have a family and I just got back on good terms with my Dad and Sister after several years of being estranged and rarely speaking to them. I feel like this was one of the best decisions of my life to have a relationship with them again and I feel blessed to have my family back. I should be happy about that. I should be happy with my life thus far. But I still feel like a loser. I feel like I'm not motivated enough. I'm almost 22 and I feel like I am not doing enough with my life. I don't feel like I'm moving fast enough with anything.

In spite of all the good things that have happened to me, I began having suicidal thoughts at work again tonight. The only thing that's really kept me from taking my own life for years has been my fear of God and the worry I would never be forgiven for killing myself. If I had no faith in God and Christ, I probably would have already taken my life. But I fear that eventually I might just give up on life and off myself because of sadness that I really don't know what's even stemming from.

I also pray a lot. I pray and ask God to protect me and help me become successful. I pray that I will find some happiness in life. I ask God to forgive me all the time for my sins I've committed. But thoughts of suicide still bleed into my daily thoughts. I'll be thinking about work about my hobbies, about my plans and goals, and I start to think. Why? Why? Why don't I just hang or shoot myself. What is my point in life? What would happen if I do kill myself? Will God forgive me? These are questions I regularly ask myself.

I would like to talk to my family about this. I have talked to my Sister before and also my Mom but only a few times. I'd talk to my Dad about it. But seriously. How do you go to your family and say to them "Hey I think of killing myself on the regular. What should I do?" It's extremely embarrassing and hard to talk about my depression and bad thoughts, simply because I don't want them to think I'm just whining for attention and self pitying.

So I'm coming here to ask anonymously, anyone who can help or at least give me some advice on how to cope with these thoughts. Why do I feel so hopeless when I am so blessed and should be happy?

Thanks.



John

 

[Rinka]

Hi @JD1916 great having you here really. You are very welcome.
I can’t tell you to take or not to take meds’ that something that everyone needs to decide on their own, i for myself am against antidepressants, which does not mean that they are not helpful for people just not for me.

I also think that part of your depression comes from you being way to hard on yourself. You are 22 you said and have not done much with your life, well you are only 22 the beginning of your life if everything goes well you might have another 60+ years in front of you. A lot of time to find yourself and be yourself.

Have you considered doing a gab year or being a backpacker in Australia? You move from town to town and help on the feld.

Maybe taking a time out of your current living situation would be good for you.

 

[janemariesayed]

Hi John, nice to meet you.

My doctor has put me on Prozac but I am not more depressed than I was before. It seems to be working okay. I smoke pot too and find that it calms me down. Especially when I am feeling like ending it all, pot kind of makes me feel too lazy. lol I've never been into any other kind of drugs and I'm grateful for that.

I'm sorry you are having nightmares. It's a shame because sleeping like that will make you tired and irritable and sad. Money and success can't bring peace and happiness, but it can certainly help along the way. If you feel that you should be a success at something then go for it. Best to try because you have nothing to lose and you will probably find that you feel a lot better.

Phone the Samaritans, speak to your doctor, find someone to open up to. Pay to go and see a shrink. Whatever you do, it would really help you to get someone regular to talk with.

 

[Sweed1]

John,
I know of the deep despair of which you speak as I like you had thought of ending my life. However, it was not fear of God that kept me from doing it although that mattered too, but it was the fact I did not want to cause my family that never ending deep quenching hurt that comes from the loss of a dear family member who has died of suicide. Please don't do that to your family.

I at that time had gone to my family and told them either get me help or I will choose suicide. So with their help I went and got good therapy with a counselor who saved my life. So John, if you are in therapy and it isn't working other then having pills pushed at you I would say find another counselor who can listen and truly help you. There is a therapy called EMDR that is amazing for turning people from deep depression into a productive confident person again. Find a therapist that can do this treatment so you can feel better. I went through it and am better off then I was before. I am going to add a link so you can read all about it. http://www.aftersilence.org/emdr.php

I am glad your on this forum because I am sure other members like myself will offer you comfort and support. It takes courage to share things about your life that are not so lovely and in doing so I think your crying out for help. Well I for one will stand up and say talk to us and hold on to your life and don't let go. We only get one chance at this life so find a way to enjoy what you have or find the thing that is missing in your life so that you can be truly happy.

Turn your troubles over to God, and don't take them back. Let Him help and things will improve in a timely manner. But you must do your part too by reaching out and getting the help you need. I am praying that you will forget about ending life and work on creating a newer happier future.

 

[Concernedgal]

The hardest part of my bipolar disorder is the terrible hopelessness of the depression. I have considered suicide many times. What stops me though is the selfishness of it. This life isn't all about you..you have loved ones and friends to be there for. You don't know ...you probably will never know the contribution you make in there lives. If you were dead...then what would it leave them? You would leave a huge hole in there lives. Yes... this mental illness sucks. You have a serotonin deficiency. ..that's about it. That's something that must be fixed. I think you should reconsider pot.