Dating with anxiety

[Howlingvapor]

This is something I’ve been struggling with lately. I’m finally in a place where I think I’m ready for a new relationship. I’ve been working on myself and my confidence is better than it ever has been, I’m not hung up on my ex anymore, and I’m finally at peace with what happened. I’m ready to move on with someone else, but now I have a new challenge. Even with my newfound confidence my anxiety keeps rearing it’s ugly head. I’ve been talking to this girl I met on tinder and she seems interested in me, but she’s always busy and I’ve been trying to set up a Skype date with her, but she never seems to get my messages until it’s too late. She keeps saying she wants to talk to me and she’s really apologetic when she doesn’t return my texts, but I’m worried she’s just being nice and doesn’t want to talk to me. I keep getting in my own head and stressing about this and I correct myself but I always end up worrying about it.

I’m afraid to open up to this girl because I’m scared if I open up to quickly and move too fast I’ll get all wrapped up in it and end up broken hearted again like the last relationship I was in. It took me so long to finally feel ok and I’m scared to mess that up.

I’m better than I was but what Marie did left a nasty scar and while it’s healed over, it’s still tender and what scares me is that if I end up with this new girl I’ll be in another long distance relationship. If she’s not mature enough for one than I’ll be in the same boat as before, dating someone that doesn’t care enough to let me know when something’s wrong until it rots the relationship.

I’ve come too far just to get hurt again, but I also don’t want to pass up a chance at happiness because of fear.


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[Cuchculan]

Are you really ready for dating yet? Your post is a bit conflicting in its views. You want to date. But you don't want things to end up like they did with your ex. Obviously this ex is still on your mind. You are still carrying her with you. Letting go would mean dropping her from your thoughts. Not measuring any future relationship with the previous one. Maybe start off small. A friend might be able to set you up on a date night. From there just see how you get on. If you feel comfortable or not. The new girl will not want to hear anything about the ex. So you will have to get through the night without speaking this ex. Just see how you feel about that. Might be hard at first. These things can take time. In a way it is similar to grieving. Different people do different things to get over people. Some take longer than others. Just make sure the time is right before you jump back into the dating game.

 

[Howlingvapor]

Are you really ready for dating yet? Your post is a bit conflicting in its views. You want to date. But you don't want things to end up like they did with your ex. Obviously this ex is still on your mind. You are still carrying her with you. Letting go would mean dropping her from your thoughts. Not measuring any future relationship with the previous one. Maybe start off small. A friend might be able to set you up on a date night. From there just see how you get on. If you feel comfortable or not. The new girl will not want to hear anything about the ex. So you will have to get through the night without speaking this ex. Just see how you feel about that. Might be hard at first. These things can take time. In a way it is similar to grieving. Different people do different things to get over people. Some take longer than others. Just make sure the time is right before you jump back into the fating game.

I think the time is right, I’m not hung up on her anymore. Like I said before I’ve made peace with what happened. It’s just more like the feeling you get after a bad car accident. You’ve finally recovered and don’t hurt as much anymore, in fact you don’t really hurt at all, but you’re afraid to get behind the wheel again because you’re worried it’ll happen again.

It doesn’t help that she contacted me recently about getting back some YouTube videos she had made that I backed up on my computer for her when her channel got deleted. Before that happened I hadn’t thought about her in weeks.

I don’t hate her anymore and I’m not holding on to any false hope of getting back together in fact I don’t even want to get back together I’m happier now than I was with her. I didn’t even plan to really mention my ex at all to this girl unless I had to for some reason. I stopped thinking about her for a while and I felt great.


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[Cuchculan]

That's good to hear. I wish you all the all the best. An ex is an ex for a reason. Maybe send her to the video on a DVD or CD. So she doesn't have to call over. Was just in your original message you spoke about not wanting to get hurt in the way she hurt you. That is all that made me think you still had her on your mind. Nothing else. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Tacodamus]

Hi HowlingVapor,

I agree with Cuchulan in that the post has conflicting viewpoints...Curious as to why you would "hate" an ex girlfriend. That is such a strong word. What could have happened to cause such animosity towards someone you used to love. No need to answer that but that is a bit of a flag. I'd be guarded if I heard someone refer to their ex in such a way. Keep in mind that everything we do and say is like an interview for potential friends or lovers. Maybe a different choice of words would signify that you've truly moved on. Sorry. I don't think it's possible to hate someone and be in a good space to allow the right person in. This is just my opinion so take it as you may. I think it best to be forthright than to sugar coat stuff. Either way, the right person will be open and accepting of your anxiety.

BTW - The new woman seems to be sending mixed signals. A person will find the time to call or hang out with you if they want to. Take a step back for a few days and see if she is proactive in contacting you. If not, then find someone else who is more available.

 

[Howlingvapor]

Hi HowlingVapor,

I agree with Cuchulan in that the post has conflicting viewpoints...Curious as to why you would "hate" an ex girlfriend. That is such a strong word. What could have happened to cause such animosity towards someone you used to love. No need to answer that but that is a bit of a flag. I'd be guarded if I heard someone refer to their ex in such a way. Keep in mind that everything we do and say is like an interview for potential friends or lovers. Maybe a different choice of words would signify that you've truly moved on.

I used to hate my ex because she lied to me about a lot towards the end of the relationship, often took me for granted during the relationship, then ran off with a guy twice her age the moment things ended while her friends were mocking me online and telling me to kill my self. I have since forgiven her and let the anger go because I had a bit of closure with her a while back and she apologized for treating me so immaturely and cleared my mind of a lot of self doubts and misconceptions about her. I used the word hate because at the time that was how I felt, I’ve never truly hated anyone before or since. I was angry and heartbroken and I felt how I felt. When you devote yourself to someone and they throw it back in your face and ditch you for someone else out of the blue it’s hard not to hate them.

Btw this isn’t me being bitter or venting, this stuff happened and I accept that it is what it is and she’s done all she can to make amends and apologize. I’m only trying to clarify that I’m not some psychopath that hates everyone that rejects me. I’m usually the type of person that will forgive someone just because I get tired of holding grudges.

I’m not saying it was right to hate her I’m only saying that it wasn’t for petty reasons. I understand my post seems conflicting, but I promise you I’m neither angry or jealous of my ex I’ve let those feelings go. My fears of getting hurt again are the same ones I had before getting into my last relationship. They’re the same fears everyone who’s been hurt like that have had when dating someone. Loving someone is always a risk, it’s like jumping off a cliff and trusting someone else to catch you before you hit the ground. It’s putting your faith in something that can easily bail or fail on you at any moment and for any reason. And yet we still do it, over and over again hoping we’ll find someone that will catch us. My only worry is that I’ll be to scared to jump when the time comes. Because unlike many of my other fears this one is real and the odds of me getting hurt are high, but if I never take that leap of faith then I’ll never know the joy of someone finally catching me.

I hope what I’ve said didn’t offend anyone. I really do appreciate your advice and will consider what you’ve said. I only made this post to clarify myself. You guys do have some good points though so I hope I didn’t come off as a jerk with this.


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[Tacodamus]

Hey HowlingVapor,

Many of us have been with someone who wasn't the best person and/or didn't value us. It sucks that you had to go through that. It's even shittier that she told you to kill yourself. That is deplorable behavior and the comment lacks empathy.

It is good that you're moving on. Each relationship is a mirror for us to see ourselves and others. We either grow from it or hold tight to what has hurt us. Everything is a process and healing takes time if that is our goal. Holding on to bitterness and unresolved conflict from relationships keeps us connected to the person. Keep doing whatever helps to stay grounded and not let the bs that happened between your ex get to you.

I've been through some crappy stuff in relationships too. Throughout the years I've learned to not harbor resentment because that only hindered growth in the next relationship.

Love is a risk but so are many things in life. Trust in yourself (cheesy, but true) and your ability to sense the goodness in others. Take heed to how people communicate with you. The right person will return your calls and messages in a timely manner. If not, move on without any negative emotion attached. Not everyone is good at communicating what they do or don't want. Life is to short to wonder why someone did or didn't show you x, y, z.

I'm here to tell ya that finding love is possible. I've been with my spouse for 14 years. There have been many ups and downs throughout the years but we have loved each other fiercely, deeply, truly. I admire her more than words can say. She makes me accountable for my actions no matter how hurt or dark it might get. Simply, anxiety shouldn't take away my humanity and the ability to be a good person. Yes, it is possible to find someone love in this crazy world.

I totally get the frustration with the ex. However, I would caution about saying "hate" with perspective dates because it can scare some people off. You can still be honest about stuff but different phrasing would be better. Example: I had some difficulties with my x when she did x or y. It (adjective to describe what you felt) when she did (blank). It seems less harsh and people get an understanding of why it hurt as opposed to the intensity of the hate which can be a sign that all is not worked out. Imagine you were on a job interview and a perspective employee explained how much they hated their last job. It probably wouldn't end in employment.

You seem like a good guy who has made a lot of strides in your life. Keep at it and being open about your journey. I'm not a psychic but it's possible to find your other half. Sorry, that sounds like something on a Hallmark card. Haha. Seriously, keep your head up and don't get discouraged. You're on the right path and gotta trust that it will happen.