Nat_tat
New Member
- Joined
- May 24, 2018
- Messages
- 13
- Reaction score
- 4
This is going to be a tough post for me to write but here it goes.
Naturally, I am anxious anyway but all of the horrible experiences with dating I have had have made it worse. The worst part for me is anytime I have ever opened up to anyone about having feelings for them I have been rejected (and I'm 23). I have yet to have a successful relationship at all.
The first guy I really liked was in high school, I have a bad habit of liking people foreverrrr so I liked this guy for 3 years about. Anyway there was one day that I admitted to him that I liked him (over text) and his response was just for me to leave him alone "or else". I was immediately traumatized, to be fair he had told me before that point that he didn't think that he would be good for me and that he didn't understand why I liked him so this guy was at a low point and gave me some warning signs but when he shoo'ed me away like that It really shook me because I thought he was going to start emotionally manipulating or abusing me. (I have a background of this growing up)
That kind of shut me down, like I spent the rest of that day shaking and zoned out but I did recover and wanted to date again a year or so later. This was the worst..... and it was partially my fault. I liked a new guy I met through a friend, we went on a few dates, and were talking for a few months, he got kinda distant for a month and One day I logged into Facebook and he was in a relationship with another girl. He didn't even tell me cause we were still texting and I was pretty heartbroken and blindsided. I took this very badly and this was one of the darkest points in my life. I would imagine him with her and get nervous and sick to my stomach because I couldn't do anything. I barely ate for a whole week and spent the whole week in my room in my bed, I lost 15 pounds which is a lot for me. Eventually i felt better after the blindside and was his friend, his relationship failed and we started seeing each other again. We saw each other on and off for 3 years... This whole time i never told him how I felt, one because I felt he didn't feel the same and two because I was scarred from the last situation and would get nervous and physically couldn't talk when I should've talked about my feelings. He was bad for me because he would not talk to me for weeks and casually hookup or whatever whenever he wanted and i just put up with it. he was also bad because he was always telling me how I should change this and that about myself and suggested i get plastic surgery to get bigger boobs. THAT day when he said that I just exploded and cried. And I don't cry infront of people. I remember crying for like half an hour and he kept asking me to say what was wrong and I couldn't... later on I got tired of him ignoring me, because he would always do that. I stopped talking to him and haven't since. he has ironically tried to reach out over and over but I refuse because i get a sick panicked feeling around him that I don't think he can repair.
more recently I had a guy I hooked up with a few times who I liked of course. My expectations kept lowering and lowering so I got severely wasted so I could get the courage to ask him to be a consistent friends with benefits.( i did this because I clam up otherwise because I mentally shut down) So, unfortunately I was noticeably wasted, and he was noticeably disappointed and upset about this. Anyway he also was just like no... straight up.
and the most recent guy was better because we dated a bit but I started to push him away because i got scared and I would avoid him and not want to at the same time and when we hungout I stopped talking when i used to tell him everything. This one hurts the most because we were friends before. Anyway I was still trying to make it work but my schedule became very busy I went back to college and worked and I wanted to still see him. My schedule was really tight and I wanted him to work around it and he said that he wasn't going to do that because he had a busy schedule too. So I had a pretty horrible breakdown over that and cried for hours.
I have just been through so much complete and pure rejection with pretty much no acceptance that I'm just not seeing why its worth it. The last story happened two years ago and i haven't liked anyone since, in fact I seldom like people at all. I still don't know how to tell people how I feel, I get so worked up about it that I can't physically let out how I feel because I am sure I will be rejected because that is ALL I have ever gotten every time.... Im just not sure how to handle this because i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I know I need to express my feelings. Just you know having had atleast one success along the way would've benefited me... but no.
please don't tell me the cliche "love yourself first" because the last two years Ive spent in counseling and spent learning to talk about my feelings and stand up for myself, and doing things I'm afraid of and learning to enjoy doing things alone. I've put in so much work.
Its really just that in my mind I feel stuck in the past and I feel like I will always get rejected because thats all I've known so why try... the work on myself I have done doesn't translate to that ... I don't know how to change whats stuck in my head.
Naturally, I am anxious anyway but all of the horrible experiences with dating I have had have made it worse. The worst part for me is anytime I have ever opened up to anyone about having feelings for them I have been rejected (and I'm 23). I have yet to have a successful relationship at all.
The first guy I really liked was in high school, I have a bad habit of liking people foreverrrr so I liked this guy for 3 years about. Anyway there was one day that I admitted to him that I liked him (over text) and his response was just for me to leave him alone "or else". I was immediately traumatized, to be fair he had told me before that point that he didn't think that he would be good for me and that he didn't understand why I liked him so this guy was at a low point and gave me some warning signs but when he shoo'ed me away like that It really shook me because I thought he was going to start emotionally manipulating or abusing me. (I have a background of this growing up)
That kind of shut me down, like I spent the rest of that day shaking and zoned out but I did recover and wanted to date again a year or so later. This was the worst..... and it was partially my fault. I liked a new guy I met through a friend, we went on a few dates, and were talking for a few months, he got kinda distant for a month and One day I logged into Facebook and he was in a relationship with another girl. He didn't even tell me cause we were still texting and I was pretty heartbroken and blindsided. I took this very badly and this was one of the darkest points in my life. I would imagine him with her and get nervous and sick to my stomach because I couldn't do anything. I barely ate for a whole week and spent the whole week in my room in my bed, I lost 15 pounds which is a lot for me. Eventually i felt better after the blindside and was his friend, his relationship failed and we started seeing each other again. We saw each other on and off for 3 years... This whole time i never told him how I felt, one because I felt he didn't feel the same and two because I was scarred from the last situation and would get nervous and physically couldn't talk when I should've talked about my feelings. He was bad for me because he would not talk to me for weeks and casually hookup or whatever whenever he wanted and i just put up with it. he was also bad because he was always telling me how I should change this and that about myself and suggested i get plastic surgery to get bigger boobs. THAT day when he said that I just exploded and cried. And I don't cry infront of people. I remember crying for like half an hour and he kept asking me to say what was wrong and I couldn't... later on I got tired of him ignoring me, because he would always do that. I stopped talking to him and haven't since. he has ironically tried to reach out over and over but I refuse because i get a sick panicked feeling around him that I don't think he can repair.
more recently I had a guy I hooked up with a few times who I liked of course. My expectations kept lowering and lowering so I got severely wasted so I could get the courage to ask him to be a consistent friends with benefits.( i did this because I clam up otherwise because I mentally shut down) So, unfortunately I was noticeably wasted, and he was noticeably disappointed and upset about this. Anyway he also was just like no... straight up.
and the most recent guy was better because we dated a bit but I started to push him away because i got scared and I would avoid him and not want to at the same time and when we hungout I stopped talking when i used to tell him everything. This one hurts the most because we were friends before. Anyway I was still trying to make it work but my schedule became very busy I went back to college and worked and I wanted to still see him. My schedule was really tight and I wanted him to work around it and he said that he wasn't going to do that because he had a busy schedule too. So I had a pretty horrible breakdown over that and cried for hours.
I have just been through so much complete and pure rejection with pretty much no acceptance that I'm just not seeing why its worth it. The last story happened two years ago and i haven't liked anyone since, in fact I seldom like people at all. I still don't know how to tell people how I feel, I get so worked up about it that I can't physically let out how I feel because I am sure I will be rejected because that is ALL I have ever gotten every time.... Im just not sure how to handle this because i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I know I need to express my feelings. Just you know having had atleast one success along the way would've benefited me... but no.
please don't tell me the cliche "love yourself first" because the last two years Ive spent in counseling and spent learning to talk about my feelings and stand up for myself, and doing things I'm afraid of and learning to enjoy doing things alone. I've put in so much work.
Its really just that in my mind I feel stuck in the past and I feel like I will always get rejected because thats all I've known so why try... the work on myself I have done doesn't translate to that ... I don't know how to change whats stuck in my head.
