Completely honest

[Penguin2809]

Ok, so long story short. I've been going out with this boy for 15yrs now. We use to live together at my parents until 2 months ago where we decided for him to move out. He wanted me to come etc but deep down I can feel I'm just not ready. Yeah I know I'm 31 and been with someone for 15yrs but something is holding me back. I'll give you a bit of back story. When we met he was this most helpful, generous bloke in the world, he would literally do anything for me and would never say anything to hurt me. I was diagnosed with anxiety the past 2 yrs but we all know I've had it a lot longer. Nowadays, let's say for the last 3-5yrs he has changed, he's lazy, selfish and very hurtful. He won't do any research in helping me with my anxiety, everything is my fault for over reacting (his words not mine). And he is always constantly trying to forcing me to move out with him. Honestly I'm happy how I am. I have everything I want. I thought spending time away from him before he moved out would hurt and be depressing and feel lonely but I'm wrong. Yeah I miss him and constantly looking at my phone to see if he has texted/called when I'm not with him but the freedom just to do whatever I want is relaxing. He said last week that we feel like we are on borrowed time. I'm don't know why I'm not ready to move out. I should be shouldn't I? I have such a great relationship with both my parents.could it be my anxiety stopping me? I mean when he does try and force me or if I think about it I do start to sort of panic and my heart races and a constant thought for the next how many hrs/days etc

 

[Cuchculan]

Because you still like that freedom you have. Second you move out, and move in with another person, in a relationship sense, some of that freedom goes. There are bills to be paid. Money for food. Rent. Whole lot of other things too. It is a very big step for anybody. Not everybody is ready to take that step. You know what is best for you. Deep within you like that freedom. Doing your own thing when you want to do it. That is who you are right now. Might change as the years go by. But not now. So do what is best for you.

 

[Penguin2809]

Because you still like that freedom you have. Second you move out, and move in with another person, in a relationship sense, some of that freedom goes. There are bills to be paid. Money for food. Rent. Whole lot of other things too. It is a very big step for anybody. Not everybody is ready to take that step. You know what is best for you. Deep within you like that freedom. Doing your own thing when you want to do it. That is who you are right now. Might change as the years go by. But not now. So do what is best for you.

Even if that means we end up breaking because he thinks I'm immature for wanting to stay where I am happy?

 

[Cuchculan]

I think he will try and force your hand about the whole moving out thing. He will hold the relationship as a weapon to use against you. Move our or else, sort of thing. Which is not right. Tell him you still want to be with him. But you are not ready to live with him at this moment in time. See how he reacts to that.

 

[Penguin2809]

I think he will try and force your hand about the whole moving out thing. He will hold the relationship as a weapon to use against you. Move our or else, sort of thing. Which is not right. Tell him you still want to be with him. But you are not ready to live with him at this moment in time. See how he reacts to that.

I have already. I've stood my ground and said I'll move out when I good and ready and won't be force. All he said is that we are on borrow time and that he can't deal with all my crazy anymore. He's on about my anxiety.

Another thing that has really annoyed me. When we talked about him moving out and then me moving in with him eventually, I specifically stated I would never move to this certain area because of my work, I have to travel locally around where I live to work as I'm self-employed. He works in a office. The place he moved to which according to him is for us is in the area I won't move to is 2 seconds from where he works. And now he said I have to move in with him for a few months before we live somewhere else together to show my commitment. He had the rights to go where he wanted but in my opinion for someone who wants me to live with him then that wasn't the right choice at all. I still think he thinks I'll come running to him

 

[Cuchculan]

There you seem to have it. In his mind, it is his way or no way. Stand your ground. Don't do anything you don't want to do. I know relationships are all about meeting each other halfway on a lot of things. Each person has to give and take. At times it can seem like one person is doing nothing but taken. Not meeting the other person halfway. This is something I would bring up. It can't be one person deciding everything. In order for things to work out, you have to work as a couple. Once that is not there, complications will always be part of the relationship.

 

[Penguin2809]

So latest up date on my situation. After the last argument (above) a few weeks back we have been ok, we had a great weekend fortnight ago, my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer for the second time in 2.5 yrs a week Thursday ago and they have also asked me to do LPAs and wills and other stuff to sort out so my mind is pretty packed at the moment and really need someone for support. This Saturday/Sunday all he kept doing was arguing with me about me moving out again. How it isn't fair on him how he had to pay all his bills, how he wants me to move in with him regardless to how I feel. He has also asked me why don't I spend a week there and then a week at mine but the weekend and that week at his and so forth. Why? I don't want that? I don't want to drive more for work, I don't need non of his nonsense right now. I needed him and his support but it all ends up about him and how he feels. All weekend I've been telling him how I'm feeling and what I have to do right now with everything and he didn't or wouldn't stop. Last time mum was diagnosed with having lung cancer about a few days to a week after that diagnoses he comes to me saying he think he is depressed! That was a load of s**t basically and now he thinks I'm using mum as an excuse for not wanting to move out. I've literally told him over and over again I'm not ready and I won't be pushed to move out. I'm tired of having the same conversation, I mean has he ever thought by giving me the time I need and space we clearly need might actually end up his way eventually? I think he's to dumb to realise that pushing me won't work at all, threating me with out relationship

Sorry for the essay

 

[Cuchculan]

Sorry to hear about your mother. That alone would be a massive weight on your shoulders. I think that is what your boyfriend, for whatever reasons, seems to be missing. Or else he doesn't want to see it. Act like it is not happening and it might just go away. Some people can be like that. He is taken something as bad as this and still trying to make it all about him and what he wants. To me that is just so wrong. No other words for it. Let him know you are going to be there for your mother and he can either be supportive towards you or else he can simply stay away. Because right now you don't need what he is doing. He either helps you or stays away for now. Because right now everything is about your mother.

 

[Penguin2809]

If he ends it or I end it, makes no difference which way around, I think the thought is made harder by having no one. I have my parents and a few close friends which are my clients but I have no one my age, don't know anyone my age. I've never been able to makes friends not even at school. He's the only one I have and I can't afford like activities to meet people and I can't afford to meet new people right because of my mums condition or even before she was extremely vunerable. My anxiety makes all this alot harder and which is even harder by not being able to talk to my bf about anything. I'm so confused and afraid

 

[Cuchculan]

Is that why you stay with him no matter he does? Which I get. Not exactly one for having many friends these days either. So maybe you let him get away with a bit too much because of that whole reason. I just hope he cops on and understands the situation you are in with your mother. Shows a bit more respect. Doesn't try to keep it all about him. Make it very clear, that your mother will always come first.

 

[Penguin2809]

Is that why you stay with him no matter he does? Which I get. Not exactly one for having many friends these days either. So maybe you let him get away with a bit too much because of that whole reason. I just hope he cops on and understands the situation you are in with your mother. Shows a bit more respect. Doesn't try to keep it all about him. Make it very clear, that your mother will always come first.

I mean yeah I guess. I'm worried I'll end up alone like he keeps telling me. I don't mind my own company but it does get lonely sometimes. I mean who is going to want someone like me, I know u dont know me so it's not an actual question but it's how I feel.

 

[Cuchculan]

I am not here to judge you or anybody else. What you do come the end of all this is up to you. Because it is something you have to live with. I am just adding my opinion based on your words. I do hope you can manage to sort it all out. In a good way. For that to happen, he will have to change.