childhood guilt is driving me insane

[we scared or whateva]

hey guys so i have a bit of a problem.

so yesterday afternoon, my sister (13) told my mom that our male cousin (17 now) molested her when she was younger, told her not to tell anyone, and that's why she's been struggling with severe anger problems the past 7 or so years - he would've been about 11.

a couple hours later, i was thinking about how much of a weird vibe he'd always given me when i had my own realization.

i have this very vague memory of this one time years and years ago of me and my sister (i would've been 8 or 9 at this time) doing "sexual" things together. i don't remember exactly what it was, i just remember it being very short and not realizing the extent of what we were doing at that time - im pretty this was a one time thing also, as far as i can remember.

if im being honest, i thought it was normal, because the kids at our daycare (we were in foster care at the time) were doing things like that too and calling it a game. i dont remember me or my sister ever coercing each other into doing anything, i just remember us just asking each other about it like it was normal and doing it. as soon as i realized this i had an internal panic attack.

ive done nothing like this since then nor have i ever looked at her or literally any child in a sexual manner and never would. nor have i had any sexual thoughts about a child as the thought of sexualizing a KID makes me physically ill.

so many questions. am i a bad person? am i as bad as my cousin? am i sick? but the main question eating at me is, what if she remembers this too but hasn't said anything yet? my fear is that she'll remember this suddenly and think i'm a bad person.

i DO NOT want to bring it up in case she doesnt remember but if she ever mentions it to me im going to tell her exactly what im saying here.

please help me. the guilt is extremely strong and i dont know how to deal with it.

 

[MATD]

Believe it or not, all kids explore their sexuality. What you describe is normal behavior. I can remember back to my own childhood, my siblings and a friend were in our car in the driveway doing this kind of thing. I remember them telling me to get in the car with them. When I figured out what was going on, I felt guilty and got out of the car, not wanting to participate (even back then I had an overactive guilt complex). So yes, it’s behavior that most kids have tried. It’s exploring their sexuality. You have no need to feel guilt over this. Have you never noticed how young kids like playing spin the bottle or other such games? There is a big difference when it comes to forcing yourself on someone who says no or is too young to know what is happening to them. Kids are gonna be kids. However it does end up that some will force themselves on others, which could be the case with your sister. That’s when it crosses the line. This is a very gray area and needs to be taken in the context of what you described. Was it a game that went too far? That’s for the adults to decide. There is no need to worry about yourself, you didn’t cross that line. You were engaging in behavior that all kids explore, if they have the opportunity. I don’t think parents remember their own childhood when it comes to raising their own kids, they forget, and fail to instruct the kids on sexuality. As a society, we made talking about sex openly with our kids kind of a taboo subject, when in fact, it’s the very mystery of it all that kids are trying to figure out in their mind. I found that talking to my own grandson openly about sex and dispelling the mystery of it all to be beneficial to him. Sharing and discussing it with you mom or dad might be better than sharing with your sister at this point. If you do, tell them exactly what you said on here. Best wishes.

 

[we scared or whateva]

Believe it or not, all kids explore their sexuality. What you describe is normal behavior. I can remember back to my own childhood, my siblings and a friend were in our car in the driveway doing this kind of thing. I remember them telling me to get in the car with them. When I figured out what was going on, I felt guilty and got out of the car, not wanting to participate (even back then I had an overactive guilt complex). So yes, it’s behavior that most kids have tried. It’s exploring their sexuality. You have no need to feel guilt over this. Have you never noticed how young kids like playing spin the bottle or other such games? There is a big difference when it comes to forcing yourself on someone who says no or is too young to know what is happening to them. Kids are gonna be kids. However it does end up that some will force themselves on others, which could be the case with your sister. That’s when it crosses the line. This is a very gray area and needs to be taken in the context of what you described. Was it a game that went too far? That’s for the adults to decide. There is no need to worry about yourself, you didn’t cross that line. You were engaging in behavior that all kids explore, if they have the opportunity. I don’t think parents remember their own childhood when it comes to raising their own kids, they forget, and fail to instruct the kids on sexuality. As a society, we made talking about sex openly with our kids kind of a taboo subject, when in fact, it’s the very mystery of it all that kids are trying to figure out in their mind. I found that talking to my own grandson openly about sex and dispelling the mystery of it all to be beneficial to him. Sharing and discussing it with you mom or dad might be better than sharing with your sister at this point. If you do, tell them exactly what you said on here. Best wishes.

thank you so much for this.

 

[Jonathan123]

Believe it or not, all kids explore their sexuality. What you describe is normal behavior. I can remember back to my own childhood, my siblings and a friend were in our car in the driveway doing this kind of thing. I remember them telling me to get in the car with them. When I figured out what was going on, I felt guilty and got out of the car, not wanting to participate (even back then I had an overactive guilt complex). So yes, it’s behavior that most kids have tried. It’s exploring their sexuality. You have no need to feel guilt over this. Have you never noticed how young kids like playing spin the bottle or other such games? There is a big difference when it comes to forcing yourself on someone who says no or is too young to know what is happening to them. Kids are gonna be kids. However it does end up that some will force themselves on others, which could be the case with your sister. That’s when it crosses the line. This is a very gray area and needs to be taken in the context of what you described. Was it a game that went too far? That’s for the adults to decide. There is no need to worry about yourself, you didn’t cross that line. You were engaging in behavior that all kids explore, if they have the opportunity. I don’t think parents remember their own childhood when it comes to raising their own kids, they forget, and fail to instruct the kids on sexuality. As a society, we made talking about sex openly with our kids kind of a taboo subject, when in fact, it’s the very mystery of it all that kids are trying to figure out in their mind. I found that talking to my own grandson openly about sex and dispelling the mystery of it all to be beneficial to him. Sharing and discussing it with you mom or dad might be better than sharing with your sister at this point. If you do, tell them exactly what you said on here. Best wishes.

You mention the word 'taboo'. Why on earth do we push any discussion about sex into the long grass. It's one of the most important aspects of human life, and if repressed can lead to all sorts of mental problems. Sigmund Freud made it the begin and end all of life which, of course, it is not. Neither is it appropriate for a child to be subjected to any form of sexual activity from an adult. Of course, curiosity about sex when young will play a part in life, but that is normal. What is not normal or desirable is for a child to come into puberty with no sexual knowledge.
Young girls get pregnant because they have no idea of the consequences of what they do, neither do the boys. There is nowhere near enough sex education in schools. (UK). Teachers have to be careful in what they teach about sex, and parents are often reluctant to talk about it. As for guilt, it will only arise from ignorance about sex. Guilt comes about because we feel we have done something wrong and may be unable to make restitution. By suppressing any talk of sex we do a child great harm. But the age in which we teach these things must be right. Parents can decide this by educating themselves with information available. It really is a must that kids learn this way rather than experimenting themselves. Curiosity is fine, but the line can so easily be crossed.
As for being a 'bad person' because of some minor sexual incident in childhood. Of course not, no way!

 

[MATD]

You mention the word 'taboo'. Why on earth do we push any discussion about sex into the long grass. It's one of the most important aspects of human life, and if repressed can lead to all sorts of mental problems. Sigmund Freud made it the begin and end all of life which, of course, it is not. Neither is it appropriate for a child to be subjected to any form of sexual activity from an adult. Of course, curiosity about sex when young will play a part in life, but that is normal. What is not normal or desirable is for a child to come into puberty with no sexual knowledge.
Young girls get pregnant because they have no idea of the consequences of what they do, neither do the boys. There is nowhere near enough sex education in schools. (UK). Teachers have to be careful in what they teach about sex, and parents are often reluctant to talk about it. As for guilt, it will only arise from ignorance about sex. Guilt comes about because we feel we have done something wrong and may be unable to make restitution. By suppressing any talk of sex we do a child great harm. But the age in which we teach these things must be right. Parents can decide this by educating themselves with information available. It really is a must that kids learn this way rather than experimenting themselves. Curiosity is fine, but the line can so easily be crossed.
As for being a 'bad person' because of some minor sexual incident in childhood. Of course not, no way!

I wondered about it, and looked hard at my own parenting. I decided that knowledge was better than ignorance, and I would rather instill truth than let ignorance have it’s way. I would also rather trust my own judgment than that of teachers who may not share my beliefs, one of which it is the duty and right of parents to educate their children on such delicate matters that also includes moral issues. We’ve left too much of the children’s education in the hands of strangers instead of doing the job ourselves. That’s how I see it and I can’t apologize for it.

 

[Cuchculan]

People were even singing about this sort of stuff in the 80's. Favourite song of mine.