3 weeks ago exactly, my (I thought long term committed) girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me with no warning on the first day of classes during my college’s spring semester. Needless to say I was as devastated as any sensitive and emotionally self-aware 20 year old man could be, but there’s one thing that made this worse than anything I have ever dealt with in my life... that just sent me into a pit of harmful coping and awful thoughts. But to understand you need background.
My childhood was a little bumpy. I remember my parents at each other’s throats more often than loving each other. They were decent parents to me and my younger brother but when there was conflict, it was often insane and unpredictable. It got to a point where the conflict escalated to a point where when I was 18 my dad moved out of the family house because of something I had started myself. I carry that guilt everyday. But I had finally had enough of the chaos and I had stood up for myself.
Why you needed that background is that besides my major and future job directly related to that major, is that my only dream is to be a father, a loving and stable father to my kids. And this girl and I, it was an adult relationship, we were basically living together w/ a dog etc. We had planned for kids. We’d named them. We’d looked at cities to build our family in. We’d done those online tools to help generate an overall of what they’d look like. And our daughter, she looked like the perfect copy of both of us... this girl was so brilliant too and I’m not too bad mentally myself, so she’d be so smart. And I was so excited, it’s one of those things you just live for, every second of your life is meant to build up to that.
And then we broke up. I watched the vision of our daughter dissolve with every word. I showed up to the breakfast where it happened and I watched my daughter go, and now I can’t even eat breakfast because thinking about what I lost makes me sick. Sure, the girl and I had issues, we weren’t perfect together. But the concept of the combination of both of us was. I wanted to raise a strong woman with this girl and more importantly, I wanted to provide the stability of family I didn’t have all of the time growing up. My girlfriend had other plans, which is fine.
But the shock of losing the future we had promised each other, specifically the part where I’d be a kind and loving father got me into a spiral. I can’t describe my behavior lately as anything but toxic and self-sabotaging. It got to the point where I stayed at a friend’s and I had to tell him to put his utensils somewhere I couldn’t find them. Which was very alarming. I’ve never felt bad enough to the point of intrusive thoughts like those.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the coming months. But I know none of it is going to change if I don’t. It’s within my power but it still feels out of reach. I wish my future daughter had gotten to see her dad. I don’t see happiness in my future, and I know how toxic those words sound. But it was my one dream. To be better. To raise her to be strong and kind. I still see my daughter when I close my eyes. I sleep maybe three, four hours a night. And I know my future could have so many different possibilities. But I lost the one I needed.
anyway. i’ve debated posting this for weeks. but i’ve lost most hope. now i’m kind of just floating through it. nothing really feels real. and this girl and i, it’s gotten really toxic for both of us. but i stay around because every time i close my eyes...
Thank you.
My childhood was a little bumpy. I remember my parents at each other’s throats more often than loving each other. They were decent parents to me and my younger brother but when there was conflict, it was often insane and unpredictable. It got to a point where the conflict escalated to a point where when I was 18 my dad moved out of the family house because of something I had started myself. I carry that guilt everyday. But I had finally had enough of the chaos and I had stood up for myself.
Why you needed that background is that besides my major and future job directly related to that major, is that my only dream is to be a father, a loving and stable father to my kids. And this girl and I, it was an adult relationship, we were basically living together w/ a dog etc. We had planned for kids. We’d named them. We’d looked at cities to build our family in. We’d done those online tools to help generate an overall of what they’d look like. And our daughter, she looked like the perfect copy of both of us... this girl was so brilliant too and I’m not too bad mentally myself, so she’d be so smart. And I was so excited, it’s one of those things you just live for, every second of your life is meant to build up to that.
And then we broke up. I watched the vision of our daughter dissolve with every word. I showed up to the breakfast where it happened and I watched my daughter go, and now I can’t even eat breakfast because thinking about what I lost makes me sick. Sure, the girl and I had issues, we weren’t perfect together. But the concept of the combination of both of us was. I wanted to raise a strong woman with this girl and more importantly, I wanted to provide the stability of family I didn’t have all of the time growing up. My girlfriend had other plans, which is fine.
But the shock of losing the future we had promised each other, specifically the part where I’d be a kind and loving father got me into a spiral. I can’t describe my behavior lately as anything but toxic and self-sabotaging. It got to the point where I stayed at a friend’s and I had to tell him to put his utensils somewhere I couldn’t find them. Which was very alarming. I’ve never felt bad enough to the point of intrusive thoughts like those.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the coming months. But I know none of it is going to change if I don’t. It’s within my power but it still feels out of reach. I wish my future daughter had gotten to see her dad. I don’t see happiness in my future, and I know how toxic those words sound. But it was my one dream. To be better. To raise her to be strong and kind. I still see my daughter when I close my eyes. I sleep maybe three, four hours a night. And I know my future could have so many different possibilities. But I lost the one I needed.
anyway. i’ve debated posting this for weeks. but i’ve lost most hope. now i’m kind of just floating through it. nothing really feels real. and this girl and i, it’s gotten really toxic for both of us. but i stay around because every time i close my eyes...
Thank you.
