Betrayal and lies

[Sue]

Being betrayed and lied to by somebody that you love is the worst feeling ever. You put your trust in them and you believe in them only to have them stab you in the back. You can never feel about them like you once did. You may end up forgiving them for your own peace of mind but you will never ever forget what they did to you and how it made you feel. Once trust is broken it will never go back to how it was before. I had to learn that tough lesson a few times and now I am very cautious about who I open up to and who I trust.

 

[SirJoe]

Being betrayed and lied to by somebody that you love is the worst feeling ever. You put your trust in them and you believe in them only to have them stab you in the back. You can never feel about them like you once did. You may end up forgiving them for your own peace of mind but you will never ever forget what they did to you and how it made you feel. Once trust is broken it will never go back to how it was before. I had to learn that tough lesson a few times and now I am very cautious about who I open up to and who I trust.

That is most certainly true, it's very hard to trust people again. It's as if you always have one foot behind, fortunately not everyone is the same and there are some really good people on this earth. The most important part of creating trust with someone is finding these people.

 

[soodito]

It takes years to build trust but only a few minutes to break it. These days it has become very difficult to trust anyone.People are fake and you cannot figure out the intentions of the other person. People make relations with you just to fulfil their needs. But everyone is not alike. There are people who can be trusted. Once betrayed then it becomes hard to trust anyone because it hurts so much that we think everyone is same and they will also betray us but that's not true. We should not trust anyone easily. We should try to understand the other person and figure out if he/she is trustworthy or not. There are good people too. So don't lose or misunderstand  them because of others who did wrong to you.

 

[kelden]

Indeed, It can get pretty subjective sometimes. And even would depend of my mood and the magnitude of harm this person did to me with their betrayal or lie. My dad used to promise me lots of stuff when I was a child, which unfortunately led to several dissapointments. Thus, as an adult, don't trust him neither respect him, but still love my father. But it pains me to admit the reality.

 

[DDNatureLover]

I have been struggling with my spouse not being as dependable as I think he should be. There have been so many times when I have asked him to do something or pick something up while he out and he has "forgotten". He has even gone behind my back to buy things that he knows is out of our budget. He knows I would not agree yet he does it anyway. The kicker is that he can be johnny on the spot for someone in his circle of friends, but conveniently forget when it is something I ask. I have been trying not to ask him to do anything so as not to set him up for failure. I even told him that hoping that he might feel guilted into doing some of the past things he has promised to do. Nope.


Since this is my spouse, I feel that I have to try harder to find a way move forward and not let it taint or destroy our marriage. I have been harboring a lot of anger and frustration towards him. It has made me short and irritable. We are now in marital counseling. The therapist has encouraged me to find a way to forgive since it is just draining me and not really bringing anything constructive to our relationship. I also need to see things about him that are positive. He is to do some soul searching regarding our finances. We are just starting so I bet more things to do will come.


I am trying to keep in mind the story about when Jesus was asked how many times should a person forgive another. Jesus said 70 times 7. In other words, over and over again. Man this can be soooo hard.

I have an easier time dealing with a friend or acquaintance who fibs or somehow messes me over, but this type of situation mentioned by @kfrondorfis what I struggle with the most. I have never been married, although I have been close a few times. I just wasn't able to move forward with a marriage to a person who would do these types of things, despite loving them. I see a lot of marriages like this, many more than I see of what I consider the types of marriages I would want. I don't think I will ever get married, because I want a different sort of relationship. I understand that everyone fails from time to time, but I think these types of things mentioned, which are very similar to what I've experienced in the past, are not the sort of behavior I find acceptable in someone who is supposed to have my back. I want a true partnership, where despite bickering about in consequential things like whether to leave the toilet seat up/down or the cap on/off the toothpaste, I know the other person has my back, because I would always have his back. Having someone's back doesn't mean stealing from the marital funds for selfish reasons, doing more for friends or outsiders than you do for your partner, etc. I see too many people (including my sister and some of my best friends) struggling to get through each day with partners like that, and feeling depressed, anxious, unworthy, etc. Although having a second income would make my life so much easier, I can't allow someone like that into my life, because I've been there in the past, and I know the effects it will have on my emotional wellbeing. 

 

[mauricioq]

When people lie to me, I have a huge problem getting myself to trust them again. I've already went through a lot of lies and nowadays, I just don't tolerate it no more. Unless it's a lie for a good cause, sometimes there's exceptions, but it's very rare. So, second chances are really hard for me.

 

[HappyKoi]

It's really hard for me to trust people again because I'm always looking for ulterior motives.  I'm anxious about abandonment as it is, but when someone has betrayed your trust, all those paranoias get amplified and it's hard to push them aside as being untrue.  I think it also makes it hard for you to build a relationship, be it a friendship or otherwise, with that person, or anyone else, really, because you're waiting to be hurt again and can't invest all of yourself emotionally.

 

[sidney]

It depends. I've reconciled with a friend who is a bit deceptive materially, like she won't return my the items she borrowed or she lies about small stuff and escaping the blame that she is responsible for. But those are little mistakes that can be overlooked. But when someone backstabs you and makes up stories due to jealousy and to lower you in the eyes of others then that is unforgivable, and I intend to seek revenge towards those that will do or has done that to me.

 

[Aree Wongwanlee]

I used to trust people until they prove themselves otherwise. Now, I have reversed my position. I tend not to trust people until they have proved themselves. Is one way any better than the other? I cannot tell for sure. The only thing I know is that I am an old man and I don't have too much time to be caught out by trusting the wrong people. So, not starting by trusting is, in my current situation, a more workable approach to dealing with people.

 

[joshposh]

The way I was raised and it's location, I tend to be too trusting.  Once you get out in the real world, there are those that get by in life by manipulating and lying to you.  That is something that I have learned from being burned one too many times.  Some scammers can hold the lie for years without it coming to light.  


I think the general rule for anything now a days is that you shouldn't trust anyone, and you need to work on how you can go about life without offending people.  Do what you have to do in life and when you give people an inch, make sure that is all the get.  If not kept in check they will take it for a mile.

 

[WorkAtHomeGal]

I can count on less then 5 fingers the people I trust... Maybe that is a bad thing? Maybe it isn't. At the end of the day for me at least it comes down to my past with these people I might have known or still know. How much did he/she hurt me? Lies? All of it. Yeah I can tell someone I forgive them as a lie or when I mean it but you never forget. I have had a lot of people hurt me close and not close to me. So when I start to feel like I am about to trust someone new lets say I step back and minute and take this person in, into my mind. I think hard and then decide if I can trust them. Or I go easy about it... Not sure if that made sense but I don't just trust people because their nice to me. It takes more then that and because of all the hurt I do have some trust issues. They are not as bad thankfully but still there.

 

[Surrender]

This is an interesting topic. My opinion is that those of us who have real problems with being lied to are usually pretty honest and moral people.  Then we just can't fathom how someone could do something to us that we would never do to them. 


I have kind of lost all hope for people when this year I uncovered my own husband has been lying to me. I mean, I just give up. It just shows we are all sinners. I used to think this man had a heart of gold. Now come to find out he is a huge freaking lier. I am trying to release and let go my feelings of anger but they do keep coming up. However I do believe we have been brought together and joined together by God, so this is part of our (my) journey, to learn to forgive him and pray for his salvation. For if we were all filled with the Holy Spirit, we wouldn't do such heinous things.


Some people lie and betray others but it is only because they view relationships superficially, and don't impart a great deal weight or need for loyalty in the relationship. So they don't "feel" like they are doing much wrong. But they just don't realize how deeply it may affect the other party.  This has been the case for me in friendships. I have realized this, so with friendships I too have been able to step back, and try not to get so attached so I don't get so deeply hurt. It has worked for me, as I see some people for who they are and I am ok with that, I can still give them another chance, none of us are perfect. 

 

[Alex]

This is an interesting topic. My opinion is that those of us who have real problems with being lied to are usually pretty honest and moral people.  Then we just can't fathom how someone could do something to us that we would never do to them. 


I have kind of lost all hope for people when this year I uncovered my own husband has been lying to me. I mean, I just give up. It just shows we are all sinners. I used to think this man had a heart of gold. Now come to find out he is a huge freaking lier. I am trying to release and let go my feelings of anger but they do keep coming up. However I do believe we have been brought together and joined together by God, so this is part of our (my) journey, to learn to forgive him and pray for his salvation. For if we were all filled with the Holy Spirit, we wouldn't do such heinous things.


Some people lie and betray others but it is only because they view relationships superficially, and don't impart a great deal weight or need for loyalty in the relationship. So they don't "feel" like they are doing much wrong. But they just don't realize how deeply it may affect the other party.  This has been the case for me in friendships. I have realized this, so with friendships I too have been able to step back, and try not to get so attached so I don't get so deeply hurt. It has worked for me, as I see some people for who they are and I am ok with that, I can still give them another chance, none of us are perfect. 

I like to think we all have the capacity to be honest and moral, and that people choose to be deceptive because they feel they can get away with it, or will be forgiven.


I'm sorry to hear about your husband, and honesty is paramount in a relationship no matter how painful it is. I had an ex that technically didn't cheat, (he slept with his ex when we were on a break) but never told me until she found out 6 months later she was pregnant! I doubt he would have told me otherwise.


Maybe people are afraid of the truth, but I have seen lies destroy so much and I am direct, honest and frank as I can be in a diplomatic manner.

 

[fuzyon]

Unless the lie is extremely necessary and can be discussed properly with the person you lied to after the fact then I think trust can be rebuilt, otherwise it's really hard to go back to the way things were. People would try to not care too much about the lie and move on but deep down they will always question whether what they're hearing from the liar is the truth or not.