Betrayal and lies

[Alex]

I'm not great at trusting people and a skeptic most of the time, but the worst thing is when you have to depend on someone and then they let you down, betray you or lie. I honestly struggle to trust them again and wonder if they had lied before or not and whether they can be trusted.


I was away once and asked a friend to help change the airbnb guests over in my flat. I was going to pay him to help out but then he tried to rip me off by saying his neighbor would do the change of sheets and iron them even though they didn't need ironing (2 beds) for £50 (that's about $80) when he could throw them in the machine himself. He then went on to try and charge me for his parking (he lied about the cost) which I didn't mind, only that he lied about the cost. As I don't drive he thought I didn't know how much it was, which was £1.80 an hour and he said it was £30. Bear in mind I had helped him out before with money and had given him furniture for his home, so I felt stabbed in the back.


Once someone betrays your trust, can it ever recover or will you give them a second chance but always think the worst?

 

[pwarbi]

I myself also find it very hard to trust anybody, but for me that's because people in my past have always let me down, so now I just find it easier to not trust anybody as it stops me getting hurt in the first place. The problem with that though, is that you then tend to have a very closed and cynical outlook on life, and you look at everyone as if they are only out for what they can get from you, but sometimes that isn't always the case.


There ARE genuine people out there, you just have to try and find them, and while that obviously isn't easy, you can't go round judging people and expecting them to do you wrong just because others have. It's hard for me, but I'm finally seeing that if you approach people with an open mind, you are going to slowly start to accept that you can trust some people, and even if that's just with the smaller things in your life, at least it's a step in the right direction.

 

[Sue]

It takes time to build up trust so once that trust is broken things will never be the same again. You will always have those doubts in the back of your mind and wonder if they are telling the truth or doing the right thing. Trust is something that has to be earned and does not come easy. There are good people out there and you learn who you can trust and who you can't but once somebody proves to be untrustworthy then I can never put my trust in them again. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt though and give them time to prove themselves to you.

 

[Quirah]

I'm one of those people, who tends to distrust and dislike people right off the back. I always get vibes off of people and if I get bad ones, as far as I'm concerned, I don't want anything to do with the person. Usually, it takes a while, but eventually the person's true side comes out and I'm usually right. So just like you, I am skeptical of people, even ones who haven't done anything untrustworthy yet. My sister is the opposite, and sees the good in everyone, and they usually end up hurting her. So, I think there needs to be a balance, but I feel like it's not as easy as it sounds to find that balance.

 

[DDNatureLover]

I have a difficult time trusting a person once he or she has broken my trust. I let very few people into my life these days, because I have a stalker, and supposed 'friends', have given that person information about me by being careless. Because of that, I've ended up cutting off many people from my past, and have abandoned a major social media account.


Alex Your story reminded me of one time when I had to go out of town for a few weeks. I asked my friend/neighbor to watch my place and take care of my cat while I was gone. When I got home, I found my jewelry box broken and some pieces of jewelry missing. She claimed my cat had jumped up and broken the jewelry box, but the only way that would have happened would be if the cat had been scared, and obviously that wasn't how I expected my supposed friend to treat my pet, let alone my apartment. I think what happened is that she brought a guy to my place so they could have sex (she was married), and it got out of hand and the box got broken. I choose to believe that my cat wasn't harmed, and he seemed perfectly fine, so I think he was probably in another room when the damage occurred. I never felt the same about her after that, and disassociated myself from her soon after.

 

[Kosta]

There are so many bad people around, and according to that, it is not hard to understand your attitude. I know many people who have similar opinions as you, and some of them are part of my family. On the other hand, I always believe in people, even after their lies, because my nature is totally optimistic, while my mind tends to believe only in good things. Sometimes, it might lead to disappointment, but luckily it does not last long. At least in my case. Some people think that I am naive because believing in unknown people, and think that it can hurt my business life. But, I was born like that, and cannot change myself so easily.

 

[Alex]

I have a difficult time trusting a person once he or she has broken my trust. I let very few people into my life these days, because I have a stalker, and supposed 'friends', have given that person information about me by being careless. Because of that, I've ended up cutting off many people from my past, and have abandoned a major social media account.
Alex Your story reminded me of one time when I had to go out of town for a few weeks. I asked my friend/neighbor to watch my place and take care of my cat while I was gone. When I got home, I found my jewelry box broken and some pieces of jewelry missing. She claimed my cat had jumped up and broken the jewelry box, but the only way that would have happened would be if the cat had been scared, and obviously that wasn't how I expected my supposed friend to treat my pet, let alone my apartment. I think what happened is that she brought a guy to my place so they could have sex (she was married), and it got out of hand and the box got broken. I choose to believe that my cat wasn't harmed, and he seemed perfectly fine, so I think he was probably in another room when the damage occurred. I never felt the same about her after that, and disassociated myself from her soon after.

Trust is earned, and easily lost. Sometimes I feel bad about not trusting people, but I see others that are wary of me too. Maybe that's just how humanity and society are developing which is sad. I have on the other hand been surprised by people who have earned my trust, who I didn't know so well and they did help out so I do have some faith.


I find trusting people and being let down is part of life, but one we learn from and then try to avoid. In my friend's case I knew it was possible he would let me down, but didn't think he would try to rip me off though and I did confront him about that, and he had no answer but started ranting about him helping me out. I bought him a microwave as a thank you for helping me out, so it wasn't as if it was only a gesture. My conscience is fine about it, but I'm not sure his is. He did make it up to me later and helped me with other things and bought me dinner a couple of times, maybe to ease his guilt.

 

[It'sJaz]

That's awful that it happened to you. I have also been betrayed and lied to before, and I learned my lesson the hard way. I don't trust people nowadays, and I don't have any close friends or a partner so I don't have to make an exception for that. It's easier to expect less of people so they surprise you when they do more. At least that's my opinion on dealing with other people. I wouldn't expect anyone to trust me either.

 

[Panic57]

I was always skeptical about how truthful people were growing up but when my mom first lied to me about not having money to pay a bill until she know I had gone through mine, I completely stopped trusting people. I don't believe in anyone anymore, I expect people to lie, especially when it comes to important things like money. Since I expect it, I don't get disappointed anymore. It makes me feel a little cold towards the people who are supposed to be the closest to me but accepting that everyone puts themselves and their own interest over me is more realistic.

 

[solana]

You know, as cliche as this might sound, but I find it's true that if I think the worst, I usually draw it to me. I know that people can be greedy, selfish, deceitful, but at the end of the day, I like to focus on the good things in people. If someone rips me off, I just put the experience into the dustbin of history. I wouldn't want to dwell on it, or create a reality in which I have to constantly be on my guard, worrying about people lying or stealing from me. In my own life, it doesn't happen often that someone is trying to deceive me. Not because I am thinking positive or blindly believing in the law of attraction, no, it's because I've learnt over the years whom I can trust. Certain people simply can't carry out a task without some difficulties, so I don't even bother asking them. I save myself from trouble and possible disappointment.


Don't let the bad guys get you down. Look around you, there are great and wonderful people everywhere, doing extraordinary things to help each other. Wouldn't you agree?

 

[Alex]

I was thinking about this more last night, and in my case I kind of expected to be let down and in the case of my friend I had seen him lie to others so knew he was capable. I guess I wanted to be wrong and to give him the benefit of the doubt, and then I was proved right. Sometimes I try to figure out why someone would lie, and it's just that people seem to accept that lies occur, but I don't see the need for that.


That's one of the reasons why depression and anxiety issues increase because we are made to believe lying about things is easier. Then we find out it does make things worse.

 

[pwarbi]

When you look at the world through a sceptics eyes though, and you distrust everyone, people often say that you bring a lot of the problems on yourself. People will treat you like you treat them and then that circle if distrust starts and there is no end. Like I said I very rarely trust anybody myself, and so I know that this is actually true. These day's I've started to open up to people more and more, and since I've done that I have actually found that people treat me and trust me more as well.


I'm not saying that we should all trust everyone we meet and open ourselves up to being hurt, but at the same time I think if we wasn't so cynical about people and life, we'd find that we'll have a much more happier life.

 

[John Snort]

I've been betrayed so many times and as I couldn't deal with the bad feelings which came with that each time I was betrayed, I had to do something about it. I expect everyone to betray me at all times. When it does happen it doesn't hurt as bad as it would have if these people had earned my trust. That's why I don't really care any more if someone betrays me or not. I feel nothing anymore. And contrary to the belief that indifference hurts, it doesn't.

 

[Laneorexorcist]

I think that I would never really completely trust to someone if they betrayed me. Luckily, as far as I know, this hasn't happened yet, and it would totally depend on the type of betray... But still, I don't think that I would totally forgive them. It's not like I would completely cut that relationship of my life, but it would not be the same... I guess that everything would be kind of awkward for the same reason.

 

[kfrondorf]

I have been struggling with my spouse not being as dependable as I think he should be. There have been so many times when I have asked him to do something or pick something up while he out and he has "forgotten". He has even gone behind my back to buy things that he knows is out of our budget. He knows I would not agree yet he does it anyway. The kicker is that he can be johnny on the spot for someone in his circle of friends, but conveniently forget when it is something I ask. I have been trying not to ask him to do anything so as not to set him up for failure. I even told him that hoping that he might feel guilted into doing some of the past things he has promised to do. Nope.


Since this is my spouse, I feel that I have to try harder to find a way move forward and not let it taint or destroy our marriage. I have been harboring a lot of anger and frustration towards him. It has made me short and irritable. We are now in marital counseling. The therapist has encouraged me to find a way to forgive since it is just draining me and not really bringing anything constructive to our relationship. I also need to see things about him that are positive. He is to do some soul searching regarding our finances. We are just starting so I bet more things to do will come.


I am trying to keep in mind the story about when Jesus was asked how many times should a person forgive another. Jesus said 70 times 7. In other words, over and over again. Man this can be soooo hard.

 

[kelden]

Do you ever heard of "fool me once, shame of you, fool me twice, shame on me". Be mindful which kind of people do you trust, but also don't be too paranoid about it. If you have been ever deceived or betrayed for a friend, a family member etc. Just don't lend them your trust again, since this person doesn't respect you in return. Is good to trust people, but once, doesn't matter their intentions, deceiving and betraying is awful.

 

[ReadmeByAmy]

Like what other people had experienced I had been lied to by some people also in my life and to think some of them are the people who are close to me. In as much they had tried to hide things at my back still I always discovered it and is always there to understand them. But sometimes I am thinking why I am like this... a person who is always there to forgive... Maybe for reason that I always want to have peace of mind and to live a peaceful life no hatred and anger here in my heart even other people will betray and will lie to me.

 

[Roscas]

This is a topic that cuts so deep yet happens commonly to any feeling, thinking, breathing being. Generally, I believe I am a too trusting person (my close friend calls this naivety even for my age). When I say, generally, I give anyone I newly got in contact with, met, saw, spoke. That is what I call basic trust on humankind and belief that there is always the good side in all human beings (the question as to which side - good or bad - will be exposed or be dominant will be unfolded by time). I am a trusting person and can be fiercely loyal. BUT once, twice, three times anyone or anybody who dents, overturns or destroys that basic trust I willing gave, that someone will have a hard time earning my trust again, but it can be earned back. Three times is what I give to those I know. To those I love, I am more forgiving and lenient.


I do not believe in what is called the white lies. My mom used to tell me, if you have nothing good to say, best not to say anything than lie. I know there are instances when secrets are there but my thinking is, when confronted and asked, either truthfully say it cannot be told because it was your commitment not to say or say it but not to lie.


I also do not agree with the reasoning one lies to protect another, or for another's well-being (good intentions as they say to justify the action) because I feel that the intention is really not for the one intended but the intend'er/intend'ee. Someone said that using often the "it-is-for-your-own-good-intention" is the rationalization of an arrogant person because this arrogant person had (1) presumed the other person cannot think for himself/herself; (2) taken away the right of the person to think; (3) removed the privilege of an opportunity to exercise the right to choose or make a choice. This for the good of the other is self-serving - service to the one who justifies the lies and the betrayal.


The effects of lies and betrayals are harder for the person who is lied at and betrayed than the person who committed the lie and betrayal. To lie is easy and to be truthful is hard. Lying is a way of escape or retreat if not respite while truthfulness is a way of confronting what is that is why truth sets us free. Lying keeps us confined and imprisoned.


When too many instances of lies happen, this can erode the basic trust inherent in social beings. What more with betrayal when this is experienced! The tendency to generalize the trauma or painful and negative effect of being betrayed will happen if one is not conscious to overcoming the impact of the betrayal.


I think lies and betrayals can cut-through not just the mind and the memory of a person but the heart and to a certain degree, depending on the gravity, range and depth of the lies and betrayal, even the soul may be impaired, too.


There are so many other things to discuss with this topic and I am hoping that this continues and develops further down the line, branching out in the discussion.


What are the emotional effects of lies? What about secrets justified by lies? How do betrayals impact the usual way of our trusting minds? What would be the norm? What would be the worst emotional, mental, physical and psychological effects of betrayals and constant lying or being lied at?

 

[misszerable]

It's quite complicated and subjective. There are people I can forgive 70 x 7 but there are people I won't. I don't have to live with people who drains me and have no redeeming value at all. I would like them to realize their mistakes and make efforts to rectify them. Being lied to and betrayed leaves a lasting scar. A person who lies to me and betrays me underestimates and thinks lowly of me as a person. That can hurt even more than any financial losses.

 

[clair02]

The reason why we feel bad when someone betrays us is because we are looking to that person to behave the way we want them to. I think we should realize that people will always do what they think is best for them, and it's not their job to please us or make us feel good about ourselves. That's our job. Everyone should take the time to try and see it from the other person's perspective. A lot of times when we think that someone betrayed us, it's only because they wanted to do something that pleased them, and you just got hurt in the process.