Being too hard on yourself

[Alex]

My main thing is when I am too hard on myself and I have high expectations of what I do. I am getting better and try not to let things get to me when I know there are things out of my control, but I do find sometimes I create my own anxiety because I expect too much from myself. I have had to learn to let go, because sometimes there is nothing more I could have done, but there is always the 'what if?' scenario and that goes over in my mind.


I can't help it at times, but I am getting better at telling myself there is only so much I can do, and that standards can't always be achieved and not through any fault of your own.

 

[mariaanca]

I think that being hard on yourself is a problem most of us have. Because this is the society we live in. From when we are young we compare ourselves with other persons.


I also find myself, most of the time, thinking what if. We must think that everyone has his own path. Not everyone can live the same life, have the same experiences, get the same results. I often think I should focus more on the future, because I can't change what happened yesterday, but I can be optimistic about today, or tomorrow.


I think the basic idea is to focus on what we love to do. That always gives me peace.

 

[pwarbi]

We all want to be able to do everything as perfectly as we can, and the sooner we realise that we simply can't, the sooner we can actually relax a bit and it's then when we can start to be easier on ourselves. That of course doesn't mean that we have to stop striving for perfection, but it just means that when things don't turn out exactly as we want, we don't spiral into depression and start to beat ourselves up over it.


Learning to relax is one of the hardest things to do, and for a lot of people they feel a failure for not being able to achieve what they want,but if that's the case, then every single person in the world is a failure as well if that's how we're thinking, and we know that simply isn't the case. So if they're not regarded as a failure for not achieving everything they want, then there's no reason to think that we ourselves are either.

 

[joshposh]

I think growing up I held myself to a better standard and of course I didn't want to look like a loser in front of everyone. I think that's where my constant self doubt and being too hard on myself came from. It was something that I somewhat deal with today with shortcomings, but not at the level in which it was at when I was a teenager. Back then it was all about self image and how everyone perceives me.


If age and time, things do get better as you find out more about yourself and the things that you can't control. Confidence grows over time.

 

[lexinonomous]

This is such a normal thing to do, but it's not encouraged. Being hard on yourself can be detrimental to your mental health. When you are constantly expecting perfection in everything you do, you will find yourself being more and more disappointed as time goes on. It's a constant loop of making yourself suffer because you feel as if you're not good enough. I experience this in school, while working on haircuts . Hair cutting is something that I've been struggling to understand and find myself getting angry because I'm not picking it up as fast as others. When I can't do something equivalent to someone else, it upsets me. My teacher had a conversation with me the other day about perfectionism and made me realize what I was doing.


Sometimes, you have to take a step back and look at what's going on in your life. Should you expect perfection at this point? How many times have you done whatever it is you're being hard on yourself for? This might help you evaluate your feelings.

 

[Bea]

Some things are naturally out of our hands, and even if we want to change things by asking ourselves what if we did something else differently, in reality there's not much we can do about it. If it's in the past, then there's honestly no use in being hard on yourself. You're better off thinking about how you can improve your present experiences, instead of constantly thinking about past events. Just do the best you can do, and go from there. The grass will always be greener on the other side, but sometimes we're too busy looking at the other side to realize the our grass is lush and green as well. Focus on yourself, and don't be too hard on yourself just because you think others are better, or just because you think others are judging you.

 

[justsayyes]

This is something i'm also struggling with myself. I'm too hard on myself in times where i fail to meet something that i thought i could do. But as it is, things don't always go our way. I have to remind myself of this over and over to ease myself of guilt and disappointment. There are far too many things in my life that i didn't expect to happen to me, when i was younger i have high hopes for myself, i was ambitious and a dreamer but my plans didn't pan out, looking back, my younger self seems silly now. I'm slowly trying to love myself and appreciate myself more. I've also learned to accept my current circumstances, moaning and whining about it will not help, i'll just work on getting some progress instead.

 

[Laneorexorcist]

I'm also really hard on myself in almost every single aspect, which it leads to feeling constant pressure all the time... But lately I have thinkers about this and, standards are most of the time, unnecessary and sometimes it seems like you're following them because that's what other people expect for you to do, but it's really important to know that we all have different types of intelligence, we are not the same, but we would be at least complete if we knew what we need to do.

 

[John Snort]

One way to stop being hard on yourself is by stopping comparing yourself to others. There'll always be some people who are much better than you at what you do and there are some who'll be worse than you. Life is not a competition. "Best" or "worst" don't mean much — Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive — set realistic goals. Achieve them. You'll be happier.

 

[Sue]

I can relate to this. I am very hard on myself and put a lot of pressure where is doesn't need to be. I am not that way with other people but when it comes to me it is completely different. I do lack confidence and have low self esteem so I do believe that is a big part of it. I am so scared to not look good in front of people or to do something that makes me look silly. I don't handle criticism well. If somebody say something negative about me, it really eats away at me and I beat myself up over it. They thing nothing more of it but it completely consumes me. I am also a people pleaser. I live my life in a way that I always look good to others. I hate to have somebody upset with me or talk badly about me because of this I feel like I miss out on so much in life.

 

[Casm1ra]

Before I discuss the subject, I just want to say that I appreciate you so much for creating this post. I really thought it was just me who had this detrimental mindset. Everyone around me seems like they have it all figured out and they tell me I need to "Snap out of it." as though it's as easy as switching off a light switch. I'm not happy that you feel the same way I do because I know how terrible the feeling is. I'm just glad to know there are other people who understand. Thank you.


With that being said, I completely relate to everything that has been said in this post. The standards I set for myself are so high that when I can't accomplish them I feel like a total loser, especially when it involves other people. One of my biggest fears is being a burden to other people. Like Sue, I'm a people pleaser in that aspect, where I don't want to be problematic for anyone.


I suppose it comes from having this image I feel I must obtain. I've always felt as though people look to me to be cool, calm, and collected. Someone serious and confident, who has their life together. So whenever my life is out of my control, even a little bit, I get extremely anxious because that isn't my idea of who I should be. It's strange, because I'm completely understanding and compassionate towards others who aren't able to obtain an orderly lifestyle -- and vice versa -- but whenever it's me I criticize myself without even realising it.


However, the past few days I realised it stems from the way I was treated as a child. Most adult conditions come from our childhood. When we're aware of our root issues, it becomes easier to detect any detrimental behaviour.

 

[tsauer19]

It is hard for me to not be hard on myself when I care about what I am doing and want to do it right. Of course, none of us are perfect. Mistakes will happen, better choices could have been made, I could have left for work five minutes earlier and showed up sooner to get more work done, etc. When I get down to the nitty gritty details, it is difficult to not get sucked into how I could have been better. Some days are better than others, but at times it seems impossible for me to escape the black hole of bringing myself down.

 

[sidney]

You're a Virgo, right? Virgo's are known to be perfectionists. They also tend to worry a lot since they set such high standards for themselves. I think you can start by working on lessening your standards and not aiming for perfection all the time, so that if you fail, you won't be too hard on yourself. Just do things "naturally" without expecting it to turn out perfect or how you envision them to be. If you follow a "relaxed" mindset, then your anxiety will start to lessen, since you don't have to impose such high standards for yourself all the time.

 

[fuzyon]

I tend to be hard on myself too, it's not necessarily the worst thing because once in a while you do need to be real with yourself and realize the things that you're doing wrong, but when you're tired of fighting and you just want to get some rest you should cut yourself some slack, we're not robots and we need time to "recharge" to function properly. It's good to give yourself time to breath from time to time, butt in serious situations you need to be strict.

 

[bangtanboys]

I relate to this on every level. As a student, I've always been the hardest on myself when I don't receive the grade I wanted or if I know I performed terribly on a test I didn't study for. The worst part is that I know I could've done more, and so all I can do is just cry. My parents don't even care about my academics as much as I do... I've said this before but I'm really my own parent. The only thing that eases me when I go all emo over this is seeing the bigger picture -- years down the line that one failing grade won't even matter to your employer. We often live in the moment and lose sight of what our end goal really is.


So next time you are being too hard on yourself, think about your situation more broadly. Even if you could've done something differently, what's done is done. All you can do now is prepare for what's next, make it up in other ways.

 

[NormaD]

I've always been a little too hard on myself, and I used to expect too much from myself that I was forever setting myself to fail. I would set big goals and give them unrealistic deadlines, and then I'd create this monster daily to-do list that 20 people couldn't have finished in a week.. Thankfully, I've come to realize what I was doing to myself, and these days I set myself much more realistic and achievable goals.

 

[amy88]

I've got massively high level expectations on myself too. My husband always says "you don't need to be the best at everything - and everything you do doesn't have to be perfect!" but to me it does...


One example I can think of is when I bake cupcakes and stuff for him to take into work. If they're not perfectly frosted (like I'm talking "look like they've come from a bakery" quality) then I refuse to let him take them in. It's like I'll be embarrassed if they're anything other than perfect. He's often like "i don't even know what you're talking about - they look and taste great to me!" but I just want everything to be 100% perfect 100% of the time.


A bit unrealistic to put those expectations on myself - I try to just be go with the flow, but it's difficult.