Hello hello is anyone here to take the time of day to listen to me ramble? Lately I feel like no one has the time or the care or desire to listen to me for even five min.
I have too many problems I don't even know where to start.
But the main thing.....I feel so very extra sad and deeply lonely lately.....
I had this friend who was my best friend for literally 15 years. Our parents were friends and we hung out sometimes when we were like 3-5 years old. Became best friends at like 9 yrs old and have been consistent friends since. She was never able to offer me emotional support but we always had a fun and positive relationship, we never really argued, we ran around doing mundane things and having a blast together and would tell each other mostly everything. She never had any other friends that were consistent, I had a few here and there but the past 2 years her life kind of changed alot and she took on way more responsibility than any sane person can handle. She works 3 jobs and goes to college, how? Well, probably lots of coffee and staying up for 3+ days straight usually. Anyone would be irritiable if that was their life right? I can be pretty understanding when she's snappy, which was constant. She was very snappy in very hurtful ways and last year she said some very mean things to me and I didn't fight back or lash out at her. I said "That was really hurtful and you can't speak to me like that. It's not nice and it's not fair." she deeply felt guilty and apologized and I immediately forgave her but she continued to belittle me and blame me and judge me for the situations I would be in, and was very insulting and this isn't completely one sided, I had another friend, let's call them Maria, agreed with me on everything about how my bestie was acting. Maria was treated poorly by her as well and would be very upset about how she spoke to us and some of the things she did. So there were a few situations that happened that were never really talked about and addressed that deeply hurt me and my friend knew but she never said anything because she's too busy with her crazy life to make time for her childhood best friend anymore. But basically I stopped talking to her and I started arguing with Maria as well and now I just like hate myself constantly. I feel like I have no friends and nobody cares about me I really feel so ******* lonely and that they both hate me. I understand I'm unhealthy and lash out at times but I just feel like I've been very considerate of them in their rough times and they weren't there for me at all when I needed them the most. I know I push people away but they should know I need them to just push back at me and just show me that they care but they just split like that over some petty **** when what was done to me was way worse than what I said to them. Well, not both of them, I was pretty mean to Maria and could have handled it better but Maria made it very difficult to talk to them.....
I feel such deep sadness and anxiety, I go to therapy once a week but I don't really feel like it helps, and I can't afford my old therapist anymore. She was a dbt therapist and I felt was really helpful and I felt like I was alot more logical and able to work through things when I was seeing her....but not anymore.....
I feel like I really just ruined everything last year, my life could have been so much better and I would have been better if I didn't make the mistakes I made....I can't go back and change them I can't do anything. If anyone actually read all of this and cares to know the specifics I will elaborate but I don't feel like explaining all the little details if no one even actually cares. I feel like I really just seem like an off putting rude unapproachable bitch to everyone but I try so hard for everyone I meet to be so considerate of their feelings and constantly put my feelings on the back burner to take care of others and it's just somethng I'm trying so hard to unlearn bc I spent almost 5 years in a shitty abusive relationship, unhappy for someone who was mean to me and didn't truly love me. All I ever did was keep quiet while he yelled at me for petty **** because I knew he was more sensitive than me and I didn't want to hurt him.
I'm just so sad and anxious and I keep lashing out at ppl who don't deserve it and I'm trying so hard to rewire my brain but it's extremely hard.
I have too many problems I don't even know where to start.
But the main thing.....I feel so very extra sad and deeply lonely lately.....
I had this friend who was my best friend for literally 15 years. Our parents were friends and we hung out sometimes when we were like 3-5 years old. Became best friends at like 9 yrs old and have been consistent friends since. She was never able to offer me emotional support but we always had a fun and positive relationship, we never really argued, we ran around doing mundane things and having a blast together and would tell each other mostly everything. She never had any other friends that were consistent, I had a few here and there but the past 2 years her life kind of changed alot and she took on way more responsibility than any sane person can handle. She works 3 jobs and goes to college, how? Well, probably lots of coffee and staying up for 3+ days straight usually. Anyone would be irritiable if that was their life right? I can be pretty understanding when she's snappy, which was constant. She was very snappy in very hurtful ways and last year she said some very mean things to me and I didn't fight back or lash out at her. I said "That was really hurtful and you can't speak to me like that. It's not nice and it's not fair." she deeply felt guilty and apologized and I immediately forgave her but she continued to belittle me and blame me and judge me for the situations I would be in, and was very insulting and this isn't completely one sided, I had another friend, let's call them Maria, agreed with me on everything about how my bestie was acting. Maria was treated poorly by her as well and would be very upset about how she spoke to us and some of the things she did. So there were a few situations that happened that were never really talked about and addressed that deeply hurt me and my friend knew but she never said anything because she's too busy with her crazy life to make time for her childhood best friend anymore. But basically I stopped talking to her and I started arguing with Maria as well and now I just like hate myself constantly. I feel like I have no friends and nobody cares about me I really feel so ******* lonely and that they both hate me. I understand I'm unhealthy and lash out at times but I just feel like I've been very considerate of them in their rough times and they weren't there for me at all when I needed them the most. I know I push people away but they should know I need them to just push back at me and just show me that they care but they just split like that over some petty **** when what was done to me was way worse than what I said to them. Well, not both of them, I was pretty mean to Maria and could have handled it better but Maria made it very difficult to talk to them.....
I feel such deep sadness and anxiety, I go to therapy once a week but I don't really feel like it helps, and I can't afford my old therapist anymore. She was a dbt therapist and I felt was really helpful and I felt like I was alot more logical and able to work through things when I was seeing her....but not anymore.....
I feel like I really just ruined everything last year, my life could have been so much better and I would have been better if I didn't make the mistakes I made....I can't go back and change them I can't do anything. If anyone actually read all of this and cares to know the specifics I will elaborate but I don't feel like explaining all the little details if no one even actually cares. I feel like I really just seem like an off putting rude unapproachable bitch to everyone but I try so hard for everyone I meet to be so considerate of their feelings and constantly put my feelings on the back burner to take care of others and it's just somethng I'm trying so hard to unlearn bc I spent almost 5 years in a shitty abusive relationship, unhappy for someone who was mean to me and didn't truly love me. All I ever did was keep quiet while he yelled at me for petty **** because I knew he was more sensitive than me and I didn't want to hurt him.
I'm just so sad and anxious and I keep lashing out at ppl who don't deserve it and I'm trying so hard to rewire my brain but it's extremely hard.
it sounds like you are a good and caring person and hopefully your friends will come around and/or you’ll be able to make other friends who value your feelings more. i wish the best for you!