Anyone have a parent that contributes to their depression?

[Relle]

I love my mom but it’s getting to a point where I really dislike her. She never has anything good to say about me and she calls my cousins and talks badly about me to them. I admit I haven’t been the best daughter but I can always admit when I’m wrong and I always try to apologize and do better. Yesterday, I had to go to the ER for chest pain and I’m pretty sure it’s from stress. I’m 26 years old and my mom has so much control over my life and my daughter, it’s unreal. I’ve thought about self harm in the past because it’s hard to cope with. I just wish I could get far away from her but at the present moment and how my life has been going, I kinda have no choice.

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

Relle, loving your mother and disliking her at the same time is the way lots of people feel about their mother and/or father. And I think that's normal and okay in your situation.

 

[Howlingvapor]

My parents constantly put me down for small things that build over time. They’re just trying to look out for me, but it’s like any time I make any kind of progress in life they have to shut me down by reminding me I’m not making enough money or that by my age they already moved out and stuff. Like I kid you not this is probably the first time in my life I feel like I have a bright future ahead of me and the other day my mom decided to lecture me about how whatever I’m doing isn’t enough. I understand my parents are coming from a place of concern, they just want what’s best for me, but they don’t understand that constantly telling me how I’m failing at life doesn’t encourage me to succeed it just makes me feel like I can’t succeed even if I tried. Luckily I’m in a better place now through therapy, so my parents constantly putting me down doesn’t bother me as much as it use to. As a result of me ignoring them I have 2 job opportunities lined up and some big promotions coming in my current job. It just goes to show what you can accomplish when your parents opinion finally means nothing to you. I love and respect my parents and again I understand where they’re coming from, but I’ve come to realize now that if I just smile and nod without listening to them I don’t cry myself to sleep at night AND I have the confidence to succeed in life.


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[MainerMikeBrown]

You're right, Howlingvapor, your parents putting you down like they do doesn't help you.

I think it's good that you've learned not to be bothered as much by your parents put downs.

However, I think it would be even better if they stopped putting you down in the first place. Maybe that would happen if they knew you weren't going to put up with their put downs. By putting your foot down everytime they started criticizing you, maybe they'd come to see that you won't put up with it anymore.

 

[He Man]

Parents are always a double-edged sword.
Often more than any other people, they help us.. and hurt us.

I think the most tragic part, is that most of the hurt comes from frustration & misunderstanding. Parents & children often insult/fight with each other, bcuz they're incapable of seeing each other's perspective. I've been on both sides, it sucks. Hope everyone in here stays strong & positive.
Hopefully, one day we can all forgive our parents,.. and be forgiven by our children.

 

[Howlingvapor]

You're right, Howlingvapor, your parents putting you down like they do doesn't help you.

I think it's good that you've learned not to be bothered as much by your parents put downs.

However, I think it would be even better if they stopped putting you down in the first place. Maybe that would happen if they knew you weren't going to put up with their put downs. By putting your foot down everytime they started criticizing you, maybe they'd come to see that you won't put up with it anymore.

I’ve tried putting my foot down before it doesn’t end well. They just get really defensive and angry. They say I’m acting entitled or ungrateful so at this point I just try to ignore them as best as I can. When they say things that put me down I just agree with whatever they say until the conversation is over. They have such high expectations for me because I’m smart. They think because I like learning and wanted to be a scientist when I was 5 that me doing anything with my life that doesn’t include a bachelors degree is wasting my potential. Their expectations for me are so high that when I was in high school they got upset with me because I got mostly A’s and B’s, but I had one C so I must not have been applying myself. When I was in the 5th grade I had a panic attack in class because I was given an award for having all A’s and B’s, but I needed straight A’s otherwise I knew they’d be disappointed. Eventually I learned that if I keep trying so hard their expectations will only get higher, but if I coast and just do well enough to pass they won’t get upset when I bring home C’s they’ll just be happy I didn’t bring home D’s. And that’s why I had straight C’s sophomore and Junior year after 3 years of straight A’s.

Again I love my parents, they only push me because they love me and want me to succeed, but they just don’t realize that when you constantly tell someone they’re not good enough eventually they just give up trying altogether. Everytime I try to tell them that they just get defensive and deny it. They say that I’m spoiled or that I don’t know what tough parents are because theirs were worse. Which is true, I’ve heard some horror stories of my parents childhood and it sometimes bordered on abusive. Stuff like my grandmother constantly telling my dad he was too fat until he started starving himself.

It doesn’t help that whenever I try explaining this stuff to them they just bombard me with arguments and defenses until I freeze up after getting maybe three sentences out. The reason I haven’t even told my parents about the extent of my mental health problems is because I just know it’s going to be an argument over whether or not I’m really depressed or have anxiety. I know it’s probably because they blame themselves for every problem I have so they make up for it by telling me that my problems don’t exist or that they aren’t nearly as big as the problems they’ve had. I don’t ever want to have to defend my feelings to anyone. I feel how I feel, that’s final, I shouldn’t have to defend emotions. Living in this house is like accidentally chopping your thumb off and having someone say “why are you screaming like that? You’re not hurting bud, when I accidentally chainsawed my foot off, that was hurting.” It’s just plain irritating.


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[mia23]

I think I can relate. My mom has been harsh on me my whole life and whenever my anxiety flares up i feel i cant tell her because she normally gets angry and tells me to stop being ridiculous. I've grown used to just curling in on myself and suffering alone, I'm used to it at this point.

 

[Lanchparty7]

Yes...and it took me longer to realize and admit it than it should have.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Honestly? I would venture to say that MOST of the folks on this site have some sort of complicated relationship with their parents. I know I do. Like others have said, I love and respect them, and I actually have a pretty healthy relationship with them now, but I'm in my 40's now. In my 20's, it was a different story for sure because I was very dependent on them, especially emotionally. It can be really tough to set good boundaries if you live with parents or depend on them financially, like lots of younger folks do, especially in the current economy.

But once you're able to separate yourself a little bit, it gets better. It has taken me years (YEARS) to convince my parents that I'm an adult, and that I can make good decisions. They disagree with a lot of my decisions. But over time they have started to respect them more. I have also set some boundaries as far as what I include them in or talk to them about, and what I don't.

 

[Xxxhappy]

I’ve had suggestions of just keeping more to myself and not be so worried about what she says