Anxious about anxiety - anxiety sensitivity?

[Simon Blue]

Hello,

Just joined and hoping some of you can relate and/or have some advice. I've been a long time sufferer of chronic generalized anxiety (and depression but less so). I had been taking an SSRI for many years and had weaned off of them in Dec as I felt it was making me somewhat "numb" and felt indifferent about life. I was surprised how everything flipped and I was suddenly "feeling" so much more than in years and even got my libido back (I think it was a side effect of the SSRI). In fact I felt like some of my feelings were too intense and I would become emotional easily. But I've been managing OK, continuing to see my therapist, and even enjoyed "feeling" more.

Then over the past few weeks I had some major work stress from my newish (over 3 months) job. Been working 10-12 hour days for days on end and now I find myself feeling extreme anxiety. Initially, it was obviously the work stress and pressure that was triggering it. But after two weeks now, and after I've made a lot of progress in the work, I still find myself as anxious as ever. I feel like my anxiety is now taking a life upon itself, like I'm "anxious about feeling anxious". Practically, things at work are better now, but I don't feel any better. I feel like I'm afraid of my own shadow and somehow the previously confident me left the building. I definitely feel like my biggest struggle now is just being afraid of feeling anxious, and is not really so much about my work. I sense that even when I finish this big project next week, I will be just as anxious.

Have any of you had this vicious cycle, like the anxiety has gone beyond whatever triggered it in the first place and now your fear is just about being afraid and you wake up each day automatically fearful of having another fearful day or moment? I was reading online that there's something called "anxiety sensitivity"?

Any feedback/advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to see my psychiatrist next week and am looking at getting back on some level of SSRI because this is unbearable. I'm hoping to find something that feels more balanced and doesn't leave me feeling so numb and "indifferent" like before. But honestly, I'd almost take that "indifferent" feeling back just to not feel this constant fear every hour.

Simon

 

[Kaynil]

I am glad you are seeing your psychiatrist next week and I really hope it goes all smoothly and you get a different medicament. A lot with this is by trial, so you might have to try different ones until you find the one that works out well for you.

The anxiety about falling back into the clutches of anxiety is not rare for many of us, just yesterday I saw a thread similar in this section called Crisis of Confidence. I think it is very similar. I think it is natural that the more we crawl out of it the more we fear not being strong enough and fall right back in.

I guess my advice would be to be honest with yourself and accept that you have that fear and that you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. However, by the same token, keep recognising your progress. You overcame those first weeks of work and all the stress is generated. You did it. You got this. Keep reminding yourself of what you have learned and keep climbing out. That previously confident you, it's still there but sometimes it might be a bit trickier to bring out and you will have to keep throwing yourself and showing yourself that you are more than capable to continue this. So keep getting up everytime you fall and keep going step by step.

Like a lot of our anxiety, when we having this kind of thoughts making us feel afraid we can realise that nothing is really happening. You are in the room you are. In whatever pose. Nothing is really moving violently. All the storm is in your head but nothing is really happening. Even if you make mistake, is not biggie because so does everyone else and then the moment will pass and you can move on to fix it and to learn from it. You said you can see things are going alright with your job, and your good performance you've done with it, unlike those fears, is real. Cling to your achievements and keep daring to continue them. One day at the time.

I hope it goes well and the thoughts get easier to handle the more you continue.

 

[Peanutbuttercup]

Hello,

Just joined and hoping some of you can relate and/or have some advice. I've been a long time sufferer of chronic generalized anxiety (and depression but less so). I had been taking an SSRI for many years and had weaned off of them in Dec as I felt it was making me somewhat "numb" and felt indifferent about life. I was surprised how everything flipped and I was suddenly "feeling" so much more than in years and even got my libido back (I think it was a side effect of the SSRI). In fact I felt like some of my feelings were too intense and I would become emotional easily. But I've been managing OK, continuing to see my therapist, and even enjoyed "feeling" more.

Then over the past few weeks I had some major work stress from my newish (over 3 months) job. Been working 10-12 hour days for days on end and now I find myself feeling extreme anxiety. Initially, it was obviously the work stress and pressure that was triggering it. But after two weeks now, and after I've made a lot of progress in the work, I still find myself as anxious as ever. I feel like my anxiety is now taking a life upon itself, like I'm "anxious about feeling anxious". Practically, things at work are better now, but I don't feel any better. I feel like I'm afraid of my own shadow and somehow the previously confident me left the building. I definitely feel like my biggest struggle now is just being afraid of feeling anxious, and is not really so much about my work. I sense that even when I finish this big project next week, I will be just as anxious.

Have any of you had this vicious cycle, like the anxiety has gone beyond whatever triggered it in the first place and now your fear is just about being afraid and you wake up each day automatically fearful of having another fearful day or moment? I was reading online that there's something called "anxiety sensitivity"?

Any feedback/advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to see my psychiatrist next week and am looking at getting back on some level of SSRI because this is unbearable. I'm hoping to find something that feels more balanced and doesn't leave me feeling so numb and "indifferent" like before. But honestly, I'd almost take that "indifferent" feeling back just to not feel this constant fear every hour.

Simon

Yep....totally identify with anxiety of the anxiety. What has your therapist said?

 

[Simon Blue]

Thanks for the supportive words to you both. Unfortunately my usual therapist is not back for another week and a half but I will be seeing my occasional Kaiser psychiatrist on Tuesday. I see him rarely and with the focus of meds since I see my therapist for the talk therapy. I haven't been on any meds since Dec but feel like I need to try something new or some new dosage that will give me some balance between benefits vs. dulling me too much.

I'm also at the point I'm seriously considering leaving my job and the most challenging part is trying to determine if my desire to do so is more related to my "anxious brain" sending false "danger" telling me I can't handle it, or my more rational side that now feels more connected with some solid truths about the job/situation that is very real: which is I simply have discovered there are legitimate things I don't enjoy about being there like some of the work I really hate doing and the lack of leadership and structure just triggers my anxiety because I have a high profile role where I"m the one expected to "figure things out" and I simply don't want that type of ownership, especially when my boss self-admittedly describes the environment as "a ball of yarn out of control". I think it's their right to want to hire someone to figure it all out for them, I just don't think I'm the one who wants to do it and I did not expect things to be as messy and with such a lack of people owning things as I've discovered. Which leaves me trying to own it and figure it out and working 12 hour days for several weeks straight recently and not seeing my kid except for the half hour before bed time.

Just feel like I need to take a break from working in general and I've been in the corporate rat race for so long that I can afford to not work for a year if I chose to so maybe I should. Just hard to let go and give myself permission because my self worth is too tied into being able to earn money and provide for the family, etc. It's particularly hard to consider leaving as this is the second job within three years that I'd be leaving because ultimately it wasn't the right "fit" or "situation". Hard not to feel like that former star batter who now strikes out multiple times, etc. and wonder if he can get it back. The bigger question is I don't even really want to work in the corporate world anymore but can't imagine giving myself the permission to make 1/3 the money and go be a baker or whatever. I'd love to just go work with my hands or something but it doesn't really pay the bills when you live in the most expensive part of the country (SF Bay Area).

Sorry, kind of going on and on. Apologies everyone. But thanks again for the kind support. Really appreciate it. Really nice to know other's who understand how hard the anxiety is sometimes.

 

[Kaynil]

No need to apologise, man. This help us all understand better your position and this is a good place to let it all out.

It sounds to me you know you need a break but you are finding hard to give yourself permission. You gotta look after yourself. Maybe you could take some time off, just to cool down. Being away from it will help you to see it from a better perspective.

That job in particular doesn't seem to suit you so it is probably best you try to apply for a new job on your free time, so you can find one you feel it is not as messy.

If you have the money to keep your lifestyle going for a while, why not living your dream for a while. Just a few months of being a baker or whatever you fancy and see how you like it. Maybe you find it better even if you don't make the big bucks or maybe you'll realise you liked that kind of job better than you thought and just needed a break.

I don't know how much is feasible, so I apologise if a lot of it sounds far fetched, just don't minimise your own desires. You have been giving yourself for your family but when it is consuming your own well-being, it is important to give time for your own needs.

 

[Peanutbuttercup]

Wow Simon. I feel you so much. I feel a lot like I’m in the same boat as you with the job situation. I mean when is enough enough. Feel free to list the pros and cons of your job here. I’ll be glad to critique.

Or you could do it the easy way. Go into your boss and ask for a big raise. If he/she says no, you have your answer. Let the cosmos decide. Admittedly, that is pretty high stakes.

 

[Rogdog]

Hey Simon

I get like you about work. What has occurred to me in the last few years is that my anxiety is not about the work at all, but how extremely responsible I feel about the job. I am stressed because I feel completely responsible for the outcome, even though I work with a team, and don’t control the outcome.

I notice that people around me, in exactly the same situation, aren’t stressed at all. They just don’t feel responsible for anything but doing what they can do in a normal workday. I spend a lot of time (often without success) trying to be like them.

On the other hand, I have had a very successful career. Everyone knows that if I am assigned a role, I will go to extreme lengths to succeed. I am dependable.

Before you leave your job, I would want to be sure that this isn’t something you are doing to yourself.. if you are like me, you will only take the stress to a new job. Maybe changing your attitude might help?

Good luck... I sympathize with your struggle


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