Hello! I will first tell you a little about myself. I am a 31 y/o female w/ a history of anxiety/agoraphobia. I have struggled with anxiety since I turned 21, due to a traumatic experience that I wasn't in control of, and it kind of spiraled from there. I suffered for about a year, lost 2 grandparents around that time, and my anxiety began to take over my entire life. I started seeing a counselor for a brief time and ended up being put on Zoloft, which made my anxiety MUCH WORSE at first, but eventually, I got much better and was able to live a normal life for a few years. I ended up going off of it for a few months in 2011-2012 and of course had to start all over, and in a few weeks time, I was back to feeling mostly myself again. Over the last 6-7 years, I have really gotten my life back. Socializing more, even traveling, which has always been a big trigger for my anxiety. I actually have felt so "normal" that I almost forgot what it was like to feel the amount of anxiety I used to feel. I was "healed". I was so comfortable with where I was at, that my husband and I began trying to start a family almost a year ago. After almost a year of negative pregnancy tests, we finally got a positive test on April 2, 2019. We were obviously crapping our pants when we found out but we were so excited. I was feeling fine, no sickness, mood swings, until May 2, 2019, while on vacation visiting family. We had an early flight, got to our destination and I was exhausted and decided to lay down and take a nap. However, I woke up about an hour after shutting my eyes, in complete and utter panic. I didn't have anything on my mind, I was sleeping, wasn't dreaming as far as I can remember, and just woke up in a state of panic. So just like that, I was back to where I was 6-7 years ago, and hated every second of my vacation and being away from the comfort of my home. The first 4 days of the trip, I didn't leave the house at all, and upped my Zoloft dose from 75mg to 100mg, and after 4 days, I felt pretty good, and was able to somewhat enjoy the last 3 days of my trip. I thought, okay, that was weird but I'm not gonna dwell on it, maybe it was hormones. Everything will be fine and normal when I get back home and get back to my normal routine of work and everything. Came home, didn't feel right. I was giving myself anxiety thinking about my anxiety. Constantly thinking "if I knew this was going to happen, and I was going to feel this way again, I would have never gotten pregnant." And then panic every time I thought about being pregnant and going through this. I shut down when my anxiety gets bad. How will I be able to take care of a baby if I don't snap out of it? What if I don't have a connection with the baby? What if my husband gets sick of dealing with my anxiety and leaves? I feel so much guilt. I will be 12wks pregnant this Sunday, and I'm not sure if my Zoloft is just not working anymore, or if it has something to do with hormones, but I am just miserable. I feel like a terrible person for not being excited at this time in our lives, and that my husband has to suffer through this "happy time" with me, who I must add, is the most patient, and understanding person on earth. He loses his patience every once in a while, mainly out of frustration in not being able to relate to what I'm dealing with inside right now. My doctor has upped my Zoloft again, to 125mg, which I have been taking the hire dose a little over a week. I have a few good days, feel normal, can eat normal, and then boom, out of no where, it's back. Does anyone have any advice or positive feedback for what I'm going through? I feel alone, like no one understands this suffering. I want to be excited. I want to be a sane parent, a good mom, and I wan't to feel like me again. I don't even get excited about the good days anymore, because this entire month has been full of me being hopeful when I do have a few good days, followed by more and more bad days. I thought I'd see some improvement by now. I just feel lost. I am afraid that Zoloft won't ever work for me again. How am I going to get through this? Please, someone give me hope.
Anxiety relapse, pregnant, need advice...
- Thread starter KELMARPHI
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